Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Feel For The Turtle.

Over the weekend I tagged along with my niece and nephew to a kids birthday party, and there was tasty barbecue brought in from The Grove in Hollywood, good conversation with an actor from “Weeds” and Good God Almighty, there was a giant turtle at this thing.

If you ever think for a second that your job sucks, hold that thought, because this poor guy makes his living suffering through screaming kids jamming their filthy fingers in his face. Even my nephew Spanky got into the act, leaning all his weight on the poor guy until I had to teach him to gently pet the shell. (Spanky then ate a hot dog without washing his hands. The secret ingredient is salmonella, Spank.)

Maybe it’s my alma mater’s mascot that made me extra compassionate for this guy, or maybe it’s that he’ll live to be 100, and that’s a lot of parties dealing with a lot of little shits. The turtle wrangler told me he was seriously dropped a few years ago and traumatized by it. Then she stuffed him into a big Tupperware and hauled him off.

Hang in there, turtle.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Post A Video To Try To Get My Friend Jenn To Watch A TV Show.

Catching up on DVR’d episodes of “Louie,” I realized my friend Jenn has been too stubborn to try watching the show. Somebody call a cop.

“Louie” is written, directed, edited and stars Louie CK, and has elements of both “Seinfeld” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” This is the kind of show I aspire to create some day. In the above clip, Louie goes to his doctor, played by Ricky Gervais, for a checkup. Enjoy, Jenn.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I Kick New York While It’s Down.

A certain segment of the population wouldn't know a good thing if it fell on them. For these people, Los Angeles, California comes hurtling toward their heads from a great height.

Exactly how more plagues are you going to suffer through, New York? Should I order the XL or XXXL-size popcorn while I fire up the CNN and enjoy?

I think it’s time to deliver last rites on anyone ever questioning LA as a phenomenal place to live. First off, let’s dispel the bullshit about the change of seasons. Of course people love spring in NY after freezing their ears, nose and balls off, but why choose to subject yourself to that in the first place? And for those who think 72° every day is boring, well it is – about as boring as having to bang that supermodel wife of yours every day.

But wait. The 72° thing itself is a myth. Above, we have a pic of yesterday’s temp in Burbank. I snapped it, then drove a half hour home to my place near the water, and snapped this:
So, 101° in Burbank (humidity-free, by the way), and 76° on the west side. Which one was the 72° I always hear about? But wait again – here’s LA, the day after Thanksgiving:
Here’s a shot of my high school’s football field in New York, taken yesterday by my little brother:
It hasn’t rained in LA since April. Here’s me, back in NY the day after this past Christmas, thrilled about the 16” blizzard:
Late Saturday night, my friend Warren, who had defended the east coast and derided LA for its earthquakes in various comments on my blog, sent me this message of contrition Saturday night: “As my wife informed me, we have had an earthquake this week and now a hurricane - so there goes any reason not to move to CA.”

Renew your vows with that woman, Warren.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Let’s Play Two.

There's only one person in the world who decides what I'm going to do, and that's my pet hamster Mr. Poopers.

So I have only him to blame for signing myself up for two casting workshops this morning. I thought it was a cool, dedicated move, and even cooler because it coincidentally is happening the same day my Yankees have a double header in Baltimore (turns out Hurricane Irene wound up postponing the Yanks’ games), though my version of a double header is a real bitch.

I have to go 30 miles early this morning to The Valley, learn a scene and perform it in a reasonable amount of time, and then I’ll have about five minutes to drive 25 miles south to Culver City to do it all over again.

Oh, by the way, I have another workshop early tomorrow. Three in 24 hours. So if you see me out, say hello to my friend Huge Sweat Stain. He’ll be with me all day.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Attention, Star-Effers.

You could choose a place to live based on silly reasons, like location, affordability and quality. Or you choose it solely on it’s link to showbiz – and I totally green-light that project.

Available for move-in immediately, an apartment on Cahuenga Blvd. that had been owned by Lucille Ball, who back in the day lived behind it. Management is willing to negotiate, and not afraid to use quotation marks arbitrarily.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 17: Keep Moving – Nothing To See Here.

I’m happy to answer any and all acting questions, and I believe my answers will be well within your expectations. Provided your expectations are low to nonexistent.

Simon asks: “When do you think I should stop doing free work and student films? Like say I have three films on my résumé – would it be fine to start going after paid work like commercials? What if I do that and get Taft-Hartleyed? Will casting directors feel like my résumé is too light?”

Kickass question, Simon. Here’s what I think: don’t be in any rush. Holding off on SAG allows you to do non-union films (often made by film students) so that you can build your acting reel. If you join SAG too soon, you’ll be up against a whole new level of actors with great reels and résumés and risk screwing yourself.

A few years ago I became friends with a non-union actor named Ray who had no reel or résumé but was consumed with becoming SAG. Ray did lots of background work, praying every day that as an extra he’d be bumped up to the three speaking parts or stand-in gigs required to join SAG. At the same time, I was non-union as well, and Ray was shocked when I decided to take on some writing gigs instead of doing background work with him. One day he called me, thrilled so much that he’d achieved union status it was as if his brain, heart and balls had just exploded.

Cut to this year. I’d lost touch with Ray, so I looked him up and found out he’s out of acting, working at a bank. And me? I’m in SAG, and have a reel I love. I doubt Ray has concocted a plan to fix his mistake, but if he has I’m guessing it involves some sort of “super” man flying backwards around the Earth.

Also, Simon, you’re a little misinformed commercial-wise; there are plenty of non-union commercials you can do now. They usually pay an up-front rate instead of residuals, but they’re a great way to get your feet wet in auditions and on sets and earn yourself some cash.

For everyone else, I want to clarify what Simon means about being Taft-Hartleyed. Taft-Hartley is a law requiring non-union actors who book roles on SAG TV shows or films to immediately join SAG. This is super beneficial to a guy like Simon, because casting directors have no problem letting him audition even if he’s not in the union. They’ll simply fill out a form which will allow him to work, and he’ll suddenly be in SAG without the drudgery of months/years of background work. Just let that happen naturally, Simon.

So there you have it. Book some meaty non-union roles and build that reel. And always ask yourself: WWRD – What Would Ray Do? And then do the opposite of that dope.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

And, Touché.

A few years ago, after I wrote a blog gushing about The Greatest City on Earth – Los Angeles – and in particular its total lack of mosquitoes, my friend Mark left this comment:

“I like living in New York because there are no earthquakes. Mosquitoes vs earthquakes. Hmmm, seems like a no-brainer to me.”

Well now you have both, shithead.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A Sidebar.

There are total misuses of canvas – cargo pants, pledge-drive tote bags, old-timey pilot helmets – and then there are excellent uses.

Inside the Actor’s Studio Apartment is proud to welcome a new sponsor: The folks at Easy Canvas wanted to advertise on my blog, but first asked me to check out and approve of their work. So they took one of my headshots, printed it, framed it and sent it to me. It’s gorgeous.

Their sidebar ad runs on the right side of this page. Click on it and check out their website. Print up something big and great for yourself. Or if you’re scratching your head trying to find the perfect gift, well right this way, professor.

You’ll set the gift-giving curve with whoever receives it, and expect something almost as thoughtful and cool in return. (A bag of cash is always cool, but only slightly thoughtful.)

Thanks, Easy Canvas. It’s a pleasure.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Weekend Recap.

Someone notify the tweekers at Rite Aid that we still have 70 shopping days ‘til Halloween… New Italian restaurant on Cahuenga called Ombra with excellent food. We chatted up the chef a little bit as we sat down and boom – it was free appetizers and a slice of Italian cheesecake in addition to our dessert. The dessert, by the way, was the delicious, but desperately in need of renaming, “chocolate salami”… If you like thrillers, the movie Point Blank opens mid-chase and escalates from there. See it. It’s in French, but it ain’t fruity… The scene at my place last night: naked at my dinner table, eating a slab of carrot cake while watching the Jets on an illegal website. Cue Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best."

Saturday, August 20, 2011


It’s been thee months since my dog died, and I appreciate all the folks who’ve checked in to see how I’m doing. I’m still too heartbroken and too busy to get a puppy, but I definitely don’t like that the neighborhood cats have made Petey’s old run their new hangout. Don’t get too comfortable, varmints.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Good Riddance.

So my finger is better? I no longer have to wear the horrible splint? Can I start working out again? No? Not for five more weeks? And I still have to wear a smaller splint? The gods are cruel.

So I continue to be shut out of the gym, which means I’ll continue to shrink until I get down to my birth weight. (6 lbs., 8 oz.) But on the bright side, I don’t have to wear the above monstrosity anymore, which means I’ll no longer look like I run a meth lab in Fontana.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 16: I Make A House Call. (Sort of.)

Every time I wear my Maryland Terps cap, someone yells “TERPS!” at me. So today I went and got a new “YOU’RE NOT BAD AT EVERYTHING” hat.

Truth be told, I’d like to think I’m good at one or two things, such as giving advice to a new actor. And the other night, I got a question messaged to me from a fella across the country, and I thought I'd repost our conversation. A lazy blog-entry yes, but like Bill Cosby said before every “Fat Albert” episode, “Pay attention and you might just learn something”:

ACTOR: Hey Matt! Sorry to bug you I just had a quick question. I recently landed a great agent here and I decided to try to get a few things under my belt before I make my way to LA. I have my first commercial audition tomorrow – a basketball-related commercial. I am thinking about wearing a t-shirt and jeans to the audition and I was wondering if this would seem unprofessional or if it would be okay since typical males are not going to dress up to watch a game with the guys?
ME: It's a very good question. If the role is for a guy watching a game, then absolutely go with a t-shirt and jeans. Remember: this isn't a job interview; it's an audition. Dress to establish the character you're playing. Casting people want to instantly know you’re him, so you’re right-on with your choice.
ACTOR: Okay great! One more thing. I don't want to sound picky or anything but the dialogue is pretty horrible as most sports-related commercials are. Any suggestions for working with bad dialogue?
ME: When you rehearse it, replace the dialogue you feel uncomfortable about with words you would use yourself. That way you'll get the feeling for your character before switching back to the script’s words. Don't change them unless you’re told you can. Writers hate that.
ACTOR: Okay cool. I guess I should have said “unnatural,” not bad. I don't think there is such thing as bad dialogue.
ME: Never judge the material. Everything you audition for won’t always be brilliant.
ACTOR: Can't argue there. I think I am just a little nervous. The problem is there are only four casting directors in this city that actually cast legit material. Supposedly they are all very close and if you don't impress them word gets around. So I am over-analyzing everything I am sure, which I know is silly since they want me to get the job
ME: I haven't blogged about nerves yet. I’ll have to.
ACTOR: Well you covered not looking at casting directors as bad people since they more than anyone want you to get the part because then they have done their job, which is kinda the same.
ME: Learn your lines. Don't over-learn them. And then deliver them tomorrow like it's an improv scene.
ACTOR: Oh I like that! Damn maybe you should look into being an acting coach. You could make a killing charging for this!
ME: Nah. Just helping fellow actors.
ACTOR: I'll leave you alone now! Have a great night!

The result: the casting director pulled him aside and told him he’d done the best job of than anyone he’d seen that day. Terrific. However, he's white, and as the day had progressed, the advertisers decided to go with ethnicities instead. It happens. All you can do is do your job, thank them for having you, and go to bed that night knowing you rocked it. And new actor, you rocked it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

18-Wheel Extravaganza.

Anyone see the pics of Ashton Kutcher’s trailer making the rounds yesterday? I don’t think I could reach the windshield with a nine iron.

Thanks for the motivation, sir.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My Favorite Tweeter.

Maybe you haven’t yet ventured into the Twitter universe yet. Or perhaps you have, if only to remind yourself why you never go on Twitter. I get it – everyone there bores the pants off you.

But I say give it another shot. And start by following one guy: Dan Harmon. Dan is the creator and head writer of one of the best shows on TV: “Community.” I read a recent article in which Dan was asked what one thing he would change one thing about TV, and he thought the 22-minute sitcom format was too limiting; not every story can be wrapped up in that time frame.

And for the time being, Dan squeezes every bit he can out of 22 minutes. “Community” is one of those rare shows that was hilarious right out of the box, with episode parodying a TV or film cliché, like buddy cop or romantic comedy. My life won’t be complete until I land a co-starring role.

Dan is also a dedicated, loveable Twitter genius, and he hit for the cycle Friday night while he was out drinking. Here are three consecutive tweets from him:
  1. New pitch, SC Johnson: Smelling salt scented floor wax.
  2. My sentiments exactly, young man. (With this accompanying pic.)
  3. There was a guy at the bar doing a Walken impression so bad we are now at a bar across the street. #LessCowBell
Drunken goodness from a sitcom Jedi knight. And he kicks butt sober as well. Follow him.

*Note: after posting this entry, I received this direct message from Dan:
“Thank you. Very flattering.”

Monday, August 15, 2011

Weekend Recap.

Rather than pour through all my “Get Your Butt to LA” posts, just take a look at this pic I snapped Saturday night. If you ain’t feeling it, you never will… Three months after I had to put my dog down, neighborhood cats have gotten just a tad too comfortable hanging out in Petey’s old spot… Saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and really liked it. Then again, I’d watch your wedding video if you put monkeys in it… The hottest Asian chicks in LA are schlepping pad thai at Chan Dara in Hollywood… Last night, I watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was “Entourage.”

Saturday, August 13, 2011

This Is Your Captain Pimping.

I saw this photo hanging in the bathroom of a restaurant in Hollywood last night, and I took a good, long look at it while I took a good, long pee, and I thought that even though Hef recently got left at the altar by some bimbo, he oughta know that he remains the man who could smoke a pipe and dress like Kirk Douglas in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and still pull fabulous babes. Now that is a real Los Angeles hero.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 15: Today’s Entry Features No Intermission.

You’ve got questions, I’ve got preposterously long answers. Aspiring actor Wilson asks:

“I am someone who wants to do TV/film. Do you think casting directors will look down on someone who has no experience in theater?”

Yes. The prevailing belief is that an actor with theater credits is more properly trained than an actor without. That kind of logic is prejudicial though, in the same way that strong box-office numbers tend to make people think a play is good when it is, in fact, lame. (I'm looking at you, “Mama Mia.”)

Love them or not, theater credits are necessary. Let’s say a casting director is deliberating over whether to bring in you or another actor who has equally identical skills, but the other guy has done a few plays and you haven’t. After a long walk-around, your résumé is merely attractive. The résumé with plays wins the swimsuit competition.

I personally don’t focus on them as much as other actors. New York is a theater town, but this is LA – a TV and movie town. If you don’t love doing theater, or prefer to devote your focus elsewhere (improv and casting workshops for me), then do a few plays for the credits and move on.

But if you do love theater, then by all means continue doing it. Many actors believe plays can help them be seen, but they have to be smart when inviting TV and film casting directors to see their shows. The invitation alone is a great idea – most CDs are too busy to see your play, but a postcard about it will keep your name fresh in their minds and remind them that you’re out there working. And if they happen to show up and you kick butt, all the better. However, if they show up and the production is a mess, you’ll dig yourself a hole you may never get out of. Do you really want casting people to remember you as the actor who wasted their time in that play that sucked shit? Invite at your own risk.

There is some great theater in LA, but the city is teeming with 99-seat theater productions. The reason theaters have 99 seats is a union issue – Equity actors are allowed to act for little or no pay if the venue has less than 100 seats. The problem is you get what you don’t pay for: marginal actors in lousy productions in shithole venues. I once heard a casting director call it 99-cent theater.

One other benefit of doing plays is the sheer nuttiness of it all. A few years ago I was in a period piece called The Heiress. The cast almost came to blows during rehearsal, including one actor launching an “Eff you bitch!” at a female costar, jeopardizing the show only days before opening night. It was at that moment that I truly understood the term “drama.”

So there you have it, Wilson. Suck it up and get some stage time. For now it’s essential, but someday, in the wonderful future, it’ll be obsolete as Bret Michaels.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My 1100th Entry.

I get so thrilled every time I hit a milestone on here that I like to reward myself with a congratulatory meal. Oh wait, I ran out of Lucky Charms? The world is bullshit.

The other, less tasty tradition whenever I reach a new set of 100 posts is to choose my five favorites from the bunch. Here goes:

The Ocean Spray Commercial Shoot: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. I grew up guzzling Cran-Apple, so my urinary tract was born to play this role. When your heebie-jeebies subside, read all about it here.

The Mr. Coffee Commercial Shoot: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. On the other hand, I think the statute of limitations is up, and I can admit I’ve only tasted coffee twice in my life. Witness caffeine fraud here.

Mom, Your Mother’s Day Gift Is On The Way. Three months and still no thank-you note. The post office is open here.

1999 – 2011. I really dreaded having to write this one, but it wound up writing itself. In less than two minutes, it was finished and posted. Pay last respects here.

Hang In There, Man. Here’s hoping the next hundred subjects are a tad less traumatic. Let’s close that rough stretch here.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Eat, Drink And Post A Poorly-Written Review.

Here’s the extent of my culinary knowledge: you can tap, bang, shake and caress the bottle all you want – the ketchup will come out when it’s good and ready.

So I’m not particularly qualified to review a restaurant. But I can highly recommend one. Saturday night I ate at Son of a Gun on 3rd Street in LA. It’s seafood-focused, and even though the décor is antique signs and mounted-marlin fun (and family-style seating) this place is highfalutin.

I kicked it off with a lobster roll that packed a lot of yumminess into a tiny appetizer, and was topped with even tinier potato chips. Then I split a smoked mahi fish dip intermixed with celery and radish, served with Keebler elementary school lunchbox-type crackers. I also split an alligator schnitzel with heart of palm and oranges. If the thought of eating alligator throws you, don’t let it. It both looked and tasted like fried chicken, and anyway, you wouldn't know the difference and chances are excellent you wouldn't care. So don't care.

Speaking of chicken, I’m a certified poultry addict, and the fried chicken sandwich came highly recommended. It was the best I’ve ever had, topped with so much spicy B&B pickle slaw that I had to unhinge my jaw before consuming it.

For dessert, a flourless chocolate cake with a caramelized banana, peanuts and coconut ice cream. I demolished it.

The head chef at Son of a Gun has a sushi background and while he was kinda shy when I complimented him, the man is doing God’s work with every dish’s presentation. This is art, beautiful and delicious and in my belly. Check this place out today.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This Week In @mattshevin Tweets.

  • I call the above pic “eco-racist.”
  • Hurt my hand last night. So children, old ladies and cops, if it looks like I'm giving you the middle finger – yes, yes I am.
  • Finally, a woman who sings along with “Living On a Prayer” every time it's played in a bar.
  • Took a carpool this morning to my writing assignment. #FirstTimeSinceHebrewSchool
  • New career objective: Asian firecracker-lighter in a Boogie Nights drug dealer's living room.
  • Received spam for a boner pill that said I could improve my “item.” #Britishy

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Orange County Fair: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

This three-day-old piglet was so cute I didn’t have the heart to tell him just 50 feet fifty away his cousin was deep-fried and covered in chocolate.

For his next trick, this dude is going to make a young boy’s virginity disappear.

Damn right I walked around gnawing on this beast. I highly recommend everyone spend a little time being King Shit.

And it’s official: I'll be dead or riding a Rascal scooter within a year.

Talk about your one-stop shopping – the aforementioned Rascal scooter, at your service.

Religion – now on a par with teriyaki chicken samples at Costco.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Real Casting Notices I’ve Seen This Week.

  • Looking for individuals who have family members or friends who are openly racist!
  • Does your dad date or is married to someone your age? Do you share clothes or makeup?
  • Role consists of playing an extremely attractive adult male about to entice engage in sexual intercourse, however in place of his private parts is a large prickly cactus
  • A new fun, sexy glitzy show for a MAJOR cable network. We are documenting REAL COUPLES who want to have an all expense weekend trip to VEGAS. Couples will get a HALL PASS from their relationship for 24 hours test how strong (or weak) their relationship really is. Want to live the single life again for 24 hours in VEGAS!
  • Have a Edgy, but Classic look. Fresh Faced Think - Jude Law, James Franco, Alexander Skarsgard, Orlando Bloom, David Beckham, Kayne West, Lenny Kravitz, Justin Timberlake, Chace Crawford type looks

Friday, August 5, 2011

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 14: Hell Yeah Dot Com.

In theory, casting websites are designed to allow actors not yet represented by agents (or ones who are represented, but are very proactive) to search through casting calls or learn about their craft. In theory. In reality, these sites are very hit and miss. I think I’ve seen one or two in a pair of sweatpants at WalMart.

On the other hand, took this concept and just murdered it. Here’s how it all works: CAZT Studios is located in Hollywood, and is super organized with about a dozen audition rooms. I’ve often wondered why acting facilities’ bathrooms look like they were hit by the Puerto Rican Day Parade, but CAZT’s bathrooms are spotless.

Casting directors and directors who use the audition rooms for their projects are required to download video of each actor’s audition and leave comments. Actors join the CAZT website and pay a super-reasonable monthly fee so they can watch their auditions (that pic above is from one of mine) and read comments posted by the casting people, all within 24 hours of auditioning.

Here’s an actual critique from about one of my auditions:

“Really appreciated the subtlety that the actor expressed for the role. Look was great and approach to performance was strong. Actor requested for call back.”

I’m gonna hang that on my fridge.

This kind of feedback was pretty much non-existent before was launched. Constructive critique? Nope. A chance to watch your audition, and see what you’re doing right or wrong? Pssh. also has its own casting notices on its site so you can submit yourself for roles. It’s a one-stop shop, and enough already – join it. The website is here:

Before I close up, I have a couple of business matters to attend to. I was asked last week to write about the importance of performing in plays, and I apologize for not getting to it yet, but I will next week. Also, I was asked if there was a way to see all the “Get Your Butt To LA” entries together. Click below, and you can scroll through them:

That’s it. Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America, ya knuckleheads.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Rest In Peace, Big Guy.

Fear of dying is my reason for living.

It’s a partially unhealthy philosophy, but it’s how I operate, and I feel so fulfilled I have no need for a bucket list.

My heart sank a little yesterday when I learned Bubba Smith had died. I met him a few years ago and blogged about it. Bubba was such a gentleman, and kinda batshit crazy, but in a good way. (I suppose it’s now okay to add to the list of his conspiracies that he was thoroughly convinced his sister-in-law had killed his brother.)

Whenever someone dies, I can’t help but assess their life and wonder if they’d lived a full one, and there's no doubt Bubba had. After nine years in the NFL and a Super Bowl win, he made arguably the most successful transition from athlete to actor, with roles in 49 movies and TV shows, including recurring roles in five of those shows. That’s a damn full life, and I’m really glad I got to meet him.

Alright, enough for today – time to get back to another satisfying day of fearing death.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

People Who Got Their Asses Kicked By Me In Words With Friends.

There's nothing like the promise of a fully-charged phone. It allows you to use your head – and smack some heads around – with a rousing game of the Scrabble-ripoff Words With Friends.

Granted, I’ve been systematically getting my own ass kicked by one opponent in particular (curse you, woman), but I’ve really got the number of a few folks myself:

I was particularly proud when I slid the word “LOVERS” into the bottom middle of this one, blowing the game wide open. My opponent was my friend Brian, and he had cause for consternation because he works as a copy editor.

Apparently the “C” in CStephen stands for “Coward,” as this chap forfeited before I could finish pummeling him.

AJewell is sound, sorted, prudent, methodical…. I'm sorry. I was told there would be a game.

AJewell also had a surprising reserve of orneriness. But challenge me to a rematch, open up with “GAIN” and within four or five Mississippis you’re at risk of your masculinity.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

  • I like when people have nose rings. That way I know in advance they’re interested in fine art.
  • I didn’t make a killing shorting sub-prime mortgages, but I made enough money at my bar mitzvah to buy a tennis racket.
  • I’ve come to find a 42” plasma can get you out of any jam, mishap or Class B misdemeanor.
  • Juggling a gay lover on the road is not nearly as risky as opening a store with your wife in a sluggish economy.
  • You might remember me either from the role of “John,” or as the actor who tore ligaments in his finger while putting on shorts. I prefer the former.
  • If a friend slept with my wife, I wouldn’t hit him. But I would pen a carefully-worded note to him and… eh, seems like a lot of work… I’d slug him.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Weekend Recap.

I snapped this pic at a blowout party in the Valley on Saturday. There was also a Sponge Bob piñata filled with condoms and Smarties… Update on my finger: throbbing still, and just a major inconvenience. I’m thinking about getting one of those helper monkeys so I can floss… Nothing more emasculating than keeping the scorebook while my team played ball last night… Crazy, Stupid, Love is well written and a great date movie… Los Angeles is taking away all the stop-light cameras, so we can now return to the good old days when a guy could have his mistress or hooker ride shotgun without fear of a photo of it showing up in the morning mail.