Friday, July 20, 2018

Ay Dios Mio.

Queso is served. Five feet from the Food 4 Less.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Fare Thee Well.

I ate a bowl of Fruit Loops once, and then needed 300 stitches in my mouth.

My foot didn’t require quite as many, but it’s been an uncomfortable two weeks. Thank god the stitches come out today.

Truth be told, a couple have already come out prematurely. But it’s okay – my dad was a foot surgeon, and I’m used to disappointing them.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Viet Nom Nom.

I’m always anxious when I eat at a pho restaurant, because I’m not sure by my waitress’ facial reaction if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family.

I braved it anyway yesterday with my good friend Joe. He refers to me as Matty McShevin, and I love everything about it.

And I highly recommend Pho Hoan My. They make the best #57 in all the greater Winnetka area.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

The Book I Just Started, But Am Wholly Recommending.

Me: “I need to read more books.”
Me (after seeing a text that’s longer than two sentences): “Holy shit, I just do not have the time for this.”

However, my friend Mark recently recommended a new book that sounded so fascinating, I immediately bought it. I’m just 40 pages in, and it’s holding up to its publisher’s billing:
The larger-than-life journey of an 18-year-old college freshman who set out from his dorm room to track down Bill Gates, Lady Gaga, Steven Spielberg, and dozens more of the world’s most successful people to uncover how they broke through and launched their careers. 
The book starts with Alex Banayan needing to fund his mission, so his first step: hack “The Price is Right.” Yes, please.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Playing Hurt.

Friday: my post-surgery, above-the-belt film audition.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Just Add Scissors And YouTube.

A girl once asked me if I wanted to play doctor. I said sure, and made her wait in two different rooms for 45 minutes.

Last night, I played doctor on myself, after I disobeyed my surgeon’s orders to not get the stitches wet (I’m not going to skip showering for one day, let alone two weeks) and my bandage became bunched up badly.

So I rewrapped it myself. Not too shabby, I must say. And thank god, because the earliest I can see myself again is late August.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

The Role I Was Born To Play.

If I wasn’t watching Jets games, I’d spend my Sundays in church, waiting for everyone to bow their heads in prayer so I could check the Jets’ score.

In my inbox earlier this week was this casting notice:

My eyes popped out of my head. Then I forwarded it to my friend Jeff, a fellow Jets fan, and his response was rich: “I’d say you’re too good-looking and have too few pounds and tattoos.”

A challenge. So I submitted myself for it, including a heartfelt note which read “I’m a huge Jets fan from New York!!”, and now I wait. If the casting process were any slower and more unreliable, it would be playing quarterback for the Jets.

Bring me in.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018


I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on”. It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Or, it could be one of a flurry of texts I’ve been receiving this week as I make major strides in the pre-production of my pilot. I start shooting a month from tomorrow, and I’ve been locking down locations, pulling permits, and hiring crew. I love it.

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps. Kidding. Barely sleeping. I love it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

My Heart – And My Head – Exploded.

It’s easy to presume dogs are dumb. But what if they’re way smarter than we think, and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work or pay taxes.

Then there’s Ricky. The other night, he had a very upset stomach, and was aware enough to wake me up every hour to let him out, so he could do his mess outside. But with the surgery on my foot scheduled in the morning, I worried about leaving him alone.

I returned later that day to find that Ricky had had an accident, but somehow knew to slip into my shower and have it there, so he wouldn’t ruin my floors and I could easily clean it up. I was overwhelmed.

Good boy? Great boy.

Monday, July 9, 2018

You Should See The Other Guy.

Ketchup makes everything better… I thought, as I poured some on my foot.

Turns out not a cure. So on Friday, I had surgery on my foot to fix an old injury. I then spent the weekend elevating it and attempting to keep the bandage dry in the shower. Mission accomplished/horrible failure.

And talk about adding insult to injury – my neighbor John told me my foot looks fat in that post-op shoe. But on the bright side, I only have to wash half as many socks, and on the really bright side, I’m not a horse.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

God Shed His Grace On Thee.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Independence Day: celebrating the defeat of the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attacked them.

But nothing is more American than the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, and yesterday, a new record was set: 74 hot dogs in ten minutes. I bet my nephew who would win, fully disclosing the contest had happened earlier and I knew the result.

He bet me anyway, and owed me 15 pushups. It’s like hosting a knife fight in geometry class.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

And Then, Depression Set In.

I promised myself I was not going to cry today. And I have already broken that promise five times.

My nephew’s all-star season came to a close, as they were knocked out of their tournament. There was crying all around, but these tykes do it at the drop of a hat. They’ll slide into second base, be called out, and are bawling before they stand up, worried they let their teammates down. It’s kinda sweet. Kids really access their feelings.

But hey, it’s California. There’ll be another season in like ten days. Enjoy your offseason, dummies.

Monday, July 2, 2018

30 Seconds Of June.

My niece said her school requires 1,000 pages of summer reading, so I handed her a receipt from CVS.

She’s one month in. And here’s my first month of summer, one second per day: