Monday, April 30, 2018

We Had Game.

If you keep a baseball bat in your car, you should keep a glove, too. Your lawyer will thank you.

Leave the glove in the car when you go to the game, though. It highly offends my friend Jeff, who insists you catch a ball bare-handed, and he’s right.

We caught the exciting extra-inning Yankee win Friday night, here in Anaheim, with our friend DJ McHale. (Jeff is on the left, DJ on the right.) DJ is the hugely-talented author of the book series Pendragon and Morpheus Road, and the nicest guy.

Just three dudes kicking off the evening with a jumbo frank. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. By the way: I put my shoe in the pic for scale. Also by the way: Jeff, please forgive me for putting my shoe next to your dinner while you grabbed a beer.

Friday, April 27, 2018

I’ve Got Hoes In At Least One Area Code.

I’ve been digging the gardening thing. It looks great, it’s satisfying, and Ricky has a place to hang. And nobody suspects you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Growing the lawn from seed was cool, and now my latest addition is the red zygocactus plant. Doesn’t require much water. It’s a nice addition to the purple and yellow. And it feels a little more festive when I clean up discarded cigarette butts out of my yard.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Quality Time. And Quality Shakes.

I saw my niece and nephew hugging, and then I realized they were choking each other, and I was like, okay, that makes more sense.

So I separated them and got in some time with just the girl last night. I picked her up from her golf lesson and we had dinner.

We talked about movies and rollercoasters and I had the Yankee game on mute on my phone – because I care.

Seriously though, Generation Z continues to give me hope that the world won’t be a mess in 20 years. Suck it up ‘til then.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

My 3100th Blog Entry.

Writing a blog is like peeling an onion: the deeper you go, the more you cry.

3100 deep so far. As is customary, whenever I hit a milestone, I choose my five favorites from the last 100:

A Walking Tour Of My Hometown. Featuring Ollie Shevin. For a stray from West Virginia, he’s really embraced New York. Put on some comfortable shoes, and join us.

Culinary Corner. I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same? Instead, sup on the homemade stuff here.

To: Every Lady Everywhere. Love: Me. I exist to help women get inside the tiny, tiny brains of men. Grab your electron microscope and catch a glimpse.

My Voice Is On A Commercial Running Right Now. I do a curling commercial, and then we beat Russia in the Olympics. See the connection here.

I Crush Tampa. Or as I like call it: Hurricane Matthew II. Hop on the back of the jet ski here.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

It’s Funny ‘Cause It’s True.

If I’ve learned anything from Twitter, it’s that you shouldn’t be learning on Twitter.

I’m still reading Judd Apatow’s massive collection of interviews with comedians, and really liked this back and forth with Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che:
MICHAEL: It’s so passionate on Twitter. But if someone recognizes you on the street, it’s like, “I’m your biggest fan.” Everybody I’ve ever met is my biggest fan and everybody on Twitter thinks I suck and shouldn’t have a job. It’s a strange thing that people do.

JUDD: Twitter’s just this place where the twenty percent who hate what you do will just let you know, and then it feels like eighty percent hate it. I don’t love Spanish rock and roll, but I’m not on the Internet trashing it all day long. People love to debate what works on SNL. In every era of the show, people love to trash it while loving it and watching it. But the audience never seems to understand that the whole show is written in a week and the fun of it is trying to see how many good ones they can uncork.

MICHAEL: I always say that too, when people compare the show to other sketch shows. If we were a taped show that was condensed to a half hour, if we were able to get every perfect shot that we needed with directors, with great comic actors, it would be the best comedy show on TV. But we can’t do that. If our host each week wasn’t a person who has never done comedy before and we didn’t have to write every sketch about them and their ability and skill set, it would be amazing. But that’s not the way the show works – and that what makes it so special.

Monday, April 23, 2018

How Windy Has LA Been?

I half expected to see a Smart Car stuck in a tree.

But I did see a Vons supermarket blown concave.

Okay, we get it. Enough.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Once Again, Purging My iPhone Photos.

I saw four vasectomy billboards on my two-hour drive from across Florida in February. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

She’ll Be Entirely Missed.

When I die, I want my body tossed out of an airplane while wearing a superman costume.

I’m guessing Barbara Bush’s funeral will be a tad more reserved. She was a first-class woman, and a source of pride in my hometown – Rye, NY – where she grew up.

She married George Bush in the church across from my high school, and once, on a visit to Rye while she was First Lady, said, “I've been with George to 67 different countries and all 50 of the United States. And believe me when I tell you, there’s no place like home.”

Great lady. Great place to grow up.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

The Ridiculous T-Shirts Of My Fellow Gym Members.

Hot tip: wear workout clothes when you’re getting Burger King breakfast, so the drive-thru dude thinks you worked out first. Don’t be afraid to live your best life.

The workout clothes at my gym range from worrisome to cringe-worthy. Dig:

You’d better lift to help defend yourself, nerd.

I would never mock the dude who wears this to his face – he’s a gigantically-ripped principal of a junior high. It’s the worst of both worlds.

Proud of his eating disorder.

Worn by a woman. I can actually semi-tolerate this one.

A lot of Bible-thumping going on at my gym. Even though Jesus did not have a spotter’s physique.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

David Bowie With The Assist.

I can’t wait to finish my first painting, so I can hang it in front of a cool hidden safe in my wall. Though the safe will probably be filled with toilet paper rolls.

There are a couple other benefits I’ve found in the first few days since I’ve started, and I talked about them with my younger brother, who is an intervention specialist in New York. He then sent me a pic of the label next to a painting by David Bowie hanging at the Brooklyn Museum.

I’ve never done a drug in my life, but I very much get the new creative energy. When I’m out and about, I’m painting the next step in my head, and can’t wait to put it on the canvas. I highly recommend.

Here’s David’s painting of Iggy Pop, by the way. He hasn’t aged a day.

Monday, April 16, 2018

I’ll Have The All-Day Nap, Please.

My hangover has been going on for so long that I’m began to wonder if Martin Scorcese had directed it.

But it was worth it. I spent Saturday night at Westbound, a bar in the arts district of downtown LA. Built on the site of a Santa Fe Railroad station, the place was designed to look like an old railway car. And they enhance the experience by serving drinks in old-timey highball glasses with metal straws.

I had a hangover so good, I crawled out of my bedroom naked and slept on my kitchen floor for another few hours. Consider this my Yelp review.

Friday, April 13, 2018

TGI Street-Cleaning Day.

I’m outdoorsy, in that I like going to rooftop bars.

But this dude loves to rough it in his eyesore of a trailer, and it’s been parked in front of my place for six days.

Okay, I’m impressed he’s able to cram a bed, a sink, and a loveseat into this deathtrap, but this morning, he’s gonna have to move it. He’s better off, as Ricky can only pee on it so many times.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Ricky, Fetch Me My Beret.

According to my credit card statement, Amazon is a hobby.

But cooking has been my legitimate pursuit the last couple months, and it’s entirely rewarding. But now that I’ve proven to myself that I can do it well, I’ve decided to seek the next challenge.

I’m going to teach myself how to paint. It’ll boost my creativity, sharpen my motor skills, and give me a new appreciation for the world’s aesthetics. Plus my mom can now live in fear that her son will become a famous artist, and she’ll have thrown out about a trillion dollars of his work.

I ordered all the supplies (shut up, Amazon), and know what I want to paint first. It’s something I’ve been wanting to hang on my wall for years, only I’d never considered creating it myself. It’ll be a bit of a bitch, but if I can pull it off, I’m going to love seeing it every time I enter my house.

I’ll pull it off. Here I go.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

It’s Positive.

Even though I’m a guy, I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

But I felt good finally getting to workshop my pregnancy-test scene last night in front of an audience.
Immediate gratification is always good.

I’ll be adding all the props and giving it a full run in about two weeks. Let’s get this baby birthed.

Monday, April 9, 2018

Look What I Just Whipped Up.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was eight.

So this past weekend I caught up. In my eighth attempt at cooking/baking, I made my favorite dessert: dark chocolate mousse.

The key to a good mousse: whip the cream in an ice-cold bowl. Also, consider not being a knucklehead like me who did all the whipping of both the mousse and whipped cream by hand. My shoulder is killing me.

On the other hand, I think someone was insinuating he wanted to lick the bowl.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Soon, My Pet.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender last night, so yeah, I juice.

But tomorrow, I’m going to make a real dessert – my favorite dessert – using my brand-new mixing bowl. And I will eat it all weekend, and then prepare for my next dish: homemade insulin.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Ah, The Old Days.

When people wore Halloween costumes to work every day.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Watch This.

I once watched a documentary about cats, because the remote was out of reach.

On the other hand, there’s a new documentary airing on HBO that I’d watch often: “The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling”.

Judd Apatow, who was one of Garry’s closest friends, poured through the diaries Garry left behind when he died in 2016. Judd learned so much – far more than just the genius behind the man who created the greatest sitcom of all time. There was overbearing loss felt by Garry for the rest of his life after his brother Barry died when they were kids. (Garry’s parents didn’t know how to deal – Garry wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral, and they never spoke of Barry after he passed. It practically ruined Garry.)

There was so much great material that Judd turned it into two parts totaling 5 ½ hours. Gene Siskel once said that if a movie is bad, you can’t wait for it to end, but if it’s really good, you never want it to end. This is one of those movies. I hope you love it as much me.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Industrial Strength.

Could there possibly a more soulless name than City of Industry?

It definitely lives up to the name. 80,000 people work there; 219 reside. But man, what a view.

I was there for the first time the other night, having drinks at Red, which is located on the grounds of Industry Hills Golf Club, perched on a cliff that looks over the city – and this ain’t the liquor talking: from up there, this area has all the charm of any view.

On the other hand, I’ve also seen enough episodes of “Dateline” to know the danger of standing by a cliff while taking a picture, so bullet dodged.

Monday, April 2, 2018

Behold The White Boy Making Homemade Corn Tortillas.

Helpful tip: use a tortilla as a lap napkin, and you can still eat all the food you spill.

In my seventh attempt at cooking I made chicken enchiladas. I decided to make the corn tortillas myself, which was not a simple task, considering I didn’t use a tortilla press. And they’re fragile when homemade, so when I folded the enchiladas, I looked like the guy in an infomercial exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

They turned out yummy nonetheless, so take that, prepackaged everything.