Friday, February 28, 2014

Is It Just Me?

Or is this paint name for the exterior of my house kinda off-putting?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

My New Toy.

I take the “L” and “R” on my headphones way too seriously.

You may call it OCD; I call it a healthy respect for technology. So imagine my thrill this week when my new mic arrived.

I’ve been writing like crazy and will be putting this thing to use soon, as I direct and star in something new I’ve been working on.

And I’d better do it soon, because I don’t trust that look in Ricky’s eyes.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• Any pizza is a personal pizza if you’re sad enough.

• If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

• There’s nothing more annoying than someone trying to live by his values.

• I never reflect more on the terrible things I might have said or done than when you take longer than 10 minutes to text me back.

• Is everyone done keeping calm yet?

• My own personal hell sounds great, actually.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dans Lequel Je Vous Aider A Gagner Un Lotta Cash. (In Which I Help You Win A Lotta Cash.)

March Madness is coming up, and I’ve got a tip: carefully fill out your NCAA bracket as if Sue in HR won’t win by choosing solely based on which players share birthdays with her cats.

And if you need to scratch that office pool itch even sooner, here’s a lock for the Oscars, in the live action, short film category: Avant Que De Tout Perdre. It’s French for Just Before Losing Everything, and of the five shorts nominated this year, it’s by the far the best.

The film follows the day in the life of a woman who has decided to leave her abusive husband, and is proof that sometimes all you need is 29 minutes to make a truly gripping thriller. It’s the beauty of short film – no filler, no side stories, no big budgets that’ll distract you from telling the story.

Eh, whatever. Go win your pool. You’re welcome.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Weekend Recap.

A valet scratched my new SUV. It’ll get paid for, which is swell, but I’m surprised I found the auto body place that will do it, seeing as it peaked 29 years before Yelp was created… Now that the closing ceremonies have happened, Sochi better gear up for all us tourists who can’t wait to visit that paradise… I had drinks at The Galley in Santa Monica. The place looks like Christmas threw up inside of it… While trying to straighten out a snafu with Amazon, I rewrote their on-hold message: “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Friday, February 21, 2014

The Two Items On My Weekend To-Do List.

1) Go to a special screening of the live-action short films nominated for an Oscar
2) Legally change my name to Ultra-Chronic Monstah (I got it from a Wu Tang name generator)

Wish me luck.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Even More Inside The Newly-Remodeled Actor’s Studio Apartment.

I don’t know much about design, but I do know this: rhinestones on cellphones are like Girl Scout badges but for shitheads.

Luckily though, my landlord handled the big stuff when redoing my apartment, and did a bang-up job. So indulge me while I take a second day to show off their work:

Not loving the new wood floors: Ricky, who can’t get any traction. I’m 16-0 in tug of wars.

However, with ice being his favorite food, Rick is loving a fridge with an icemaker.

My place was built during the Kennedy administration, and had all the original fixtures to prove it. Turns out scientists invented a third outlet prong.

These new blinds were my addition, and I love that they filter in light. But installing them was a bitch, as my drill couldn’t penetrate the metal frame. When my wrist heels, I’m going to break it when I never stop punching the president of Redi Shade in the face.

At 3 a.m., exhausted and filthy from moving back in, stepping underneath a rain shower head is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Inside The Newly-Remodeled Actor’s Studio Apartment.

I can’t wait to be really rich, so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.

Until then, I’ll rent. But my place ain’t half bad, thanks to a recent three-week renovation. Here are some before and after pics:


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 63: If Only To Prove One Jerkoff Wrong.

I don’t judge prostitutes, because sitting in a cubicle all day is a pretty degrading thing to do for money, too.

But man, does one guy judge actors. My friend James sent me an article entitled “5 Awful Things Nobody Tells You About Being an Actor,” written by a bitter dude about why a career in showbiz “will make you absolutely miserable.” The article has unfortunately had 1.6 million hits.

I’m now going to refute all five things on his list.

#5. You Aren’t Building a Real Skill Set. 
It’s true. When acting craps out, how will I pay my rent after letting my electrolysis skills go to pot.

When I was a kid, my dad and I were in a sports store, and as I tried on shoes, we talked about the Yankees, in particular their catcher. “Nice guy,” said a man who overheard us. We asked if he knew the catcher, and the guy, who was now a rep for Adidas, said he’d played with him in the minor leagues. “See that?” my dad said later. “When you don’t make it in baseball, you have to become a salesman.” Even at my young age, I knew that was a terrible thing to say to a kid.

#4. Most Roles Have Nothing to Do With Acting.
No shit. Not while you’re building your career. And while the big, national commercials aren’t as prevalent as they used to be, they still exist. My friend Dave Giuntoli, the star of “Grimm” (which has a little something to do with acting), was once a struggling actor who made $75,000 for appearing in one Pizza Hut commercial. All he had to do was eat a slice crust first (it was for their stuffed crust pizza.) But if you feel that’s not real acting, feel free to pass up the $75K, Mr. Morals.

#3. You Will Never Be Considered for Roles That Require Acting.
Because you’re not in the union, and the union is tough to join? Every working actor was once not in the union, yet all of them made it in. If you work on your craft, and you have talent, casting directors will hire you, union or not. If you’re right for the role, you’ll make them look very good. Thought: the writer of this article needs to put himself out of his misery by taking a civilian job. Because there are never politics or shit bosses or layoffs or demeaning tasks that aren’t in your job description or etc., etc., etc.

#2. Your Faith Will Be Exploited.
He writes: “Acting requires about as much faith as religious fanaticism. Performers rely on directors and editors like zealots rely on God.” No it doesn’t – because directors and editors actually exist.

#1. You Won’t Make Enough Money to Live On.
Sure it’s scary not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from, but is there anything more frightening than knowing exactly what you’re going to be doing for the next 40 years?

Hey, I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Weekend Recap.

Am I a great uncle, or the greatest uncle... “True Detective” is the best show on TV. It genuinely terrifies me. Matthew McConnaughey is now the best actor both on TV and in film… Kinda/sorta backing up my tip to women that they can win over any man with a phone charger, “Community” showrunner Dan Harmon gave his fiancĂ© a bouquet of chargers for Valentine’s Day. Brilliant... Spent the weekend writing and so sleep-deprived, I opened the fridge and it took me few seconds to figure out why there was no toilet in there.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

I’ll Need A Seal Team 6 Extraction.

My mom’s Valentine’s gift is snowed in at this Fed Ex hub in Lexington, KY. I’m going in.

Friday, February 14, 2014

The Robots Are Officially Taking Over.

Mechanical sign spinner. Saves nine bucks an hour, though.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Feel The Love, Ladies.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which can be a little heavy for the single folks. But whenever you feel really alone, remember: you’re part of the biggest, most reliable 4G network in the country.

As is tradition, I like to post ten things that will enlighten women about men – this time a day early before the whammy of a three-day Valentine’s weekend:
  1. If you’re checking Twitter while he looks to see if he has a condom, definitely insist on the condom. 
  2. See a guy you like? A good pickup line is “I have a phone charger.” 
  3. Here’s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex: 1) He does. 
  4. Guaranteed money maker: a cleaning service employed by men who think a hot girl is coming over in 20 minutes. 
  5. We can tell by your intricate Starbucks order that you insist on putting a towel down before making love. 
  6. “Downton Abbey” in the streets, “Game of Thrones” in the sheets. 
  7. Feel free to cut your hair short. It’s a great way of announcing your support of gay marriage. 
  8. When we text you at 2 a.m., it’s obviously because we have a deep spiritual question and want to talk about our feelings. 
  9. “Is this what caring about sports feels like?!” is a fun thing to yell during sex. 
  10. If you only knew of the horrors we have imagined to prevent premature ejaculation. We’ve seen things. Horrible, horrible things.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

On The Bright Side…

In the five months since the turtle bolted, how far could she have gotten? The front lawn?

P.S.: Also lost: proper grammar.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Monday, February 10, 2014

Weekend Recap.

The warm bag of doughnuts at The Palm is not only yummy (and served with chocolate and raspberry dipping sauces), its name should be a euphemism for a sexual act… Last night’s episode of “True Detective” cured a lot of “Breaking Bad” fans’ separation anxiety… After finally moving all my shit back into my apartment, I spent the first night in my own bed in almost a month. If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Good Dude.

If you pay your dues, work incredibly hard and be nice to everyone around you, you too can live paycheck to paycheck and live in filth.

Not necessarily. Jay Leno did all those things, and still busts his ass. It’s been estimated that in the 22 years since he took over “The Tonight Show,” he’s told over 44,000 jokes. But more importantly, he’s always nice to everyone.

I’ve met him twice, and he really is a good guy. Both times things happened that would make most people blow their stack, but Jay just kept his cool. The first time, we stood in his green room as I recorded his voice for the 2010 Olympics. Time after time, we were interrupted by people walking into the room, and Jay kept sweetly asking a PA to keep people out. By the fifth time, I would have yelled. We all would have.

The second time I met Jay, I was in a sketch being shot for his show. Jay was out on location with us for 12 hours (I’d like to see Letterman ever do that), and at one point, the production people were lagging as they wrangled the actors for each shot, bringing us over one at time, extending the day. Jay asked a producer why this was happening, but he did it so gently it almost wasn’t even a question. Just a slight nudge.

Tonight is Jay’s last episode of “The Tonight Show.” I’d be willing to bet it’s not the last show he ever hosts – his work ethic is too strong – and I’m glad. Because we need good guys.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

An Open Thank-You Letter To My Neighbor.

Dear TL–

The work on my apartment is finally being finished, and I get to move back in this weekend. Thanks so much for letting me sublet your place. Here are a few things I thought you should know:
  1. Sorry about the bedsheet. I’d love to say it ripped during rough sex, but it was simply during rough bed making. 
  2. I vacuumed every week, fixed your front window screen, and soaked your showerhead in CLR to remove the calcium buildup. It wasn’t so much hospitality as it was doubling my Adderall dose by mistake. 
  3. I only spooned with your Emmy once. 
  4. If you find episodes of “Life with La Toya” on your DVR and have a feeling they’re mine, I cannot confirm or deny. 
  5. Your living room is not conducive for twerking. 
 Thanks again,

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Tough Loss.

Every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day, but every year you pass your death day and have no clue.

But it does make you pause when someone you admired dies way too young. Philip Seymour Hoffman was one of those guys. Every Facebook timeline exploded with posts minutes after people heard what happened. And it’s no surprise. Philip was one of the “oh, I love him” guys.

Tell people you saw a movie featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman in it and they’ll say out loud, “Oh I love him.” Works every time. There are only a handful of guys like this – super talented with range, often playing good guys, not necessarily leading men: Paul Giamatti, Mark Rufalo, JK Simmons, John Goodman. I blogged about five others once before. 

It takes a massive talent to be missed this much. Gone way too soon.

Monday, February 3, 2014

The Second-Best Super Bowl Party In All The Southland.

There were 93 guests and yummy Hawaiian food and a red velvet bundt cake (chicks dig the red velvet) and top-shelf tequila and indoor and outdoor TVs and iPads in the bathrooms and Anthony Kiedis got fat and friends I hadn’t seen in years and a sprinkling of rain that we’ve really needed and there was no damn way we’d ever top the party Bill Maher attended:

Saturday, February 1, 2014