Thursday, September 18, 2014

Eight Guys Eat Their Way Through Wisconsin: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

Any fan at Miller Park in Milwaukee who orders the Smothered and Covered – fresh-cut potato chips, creamy cheddar cheese, sour cream and crumbled bacon – should have their children taken away.

Yep, I found the mashed potato and pulled pork parfait. Transporting two of these (one for my big brother) from the upper-deck barbecue stand down to our seats, with every person in my path either gawking, taunting, or bumping into me, was my own personal Tailhook scandal.

I warned my friend Jeff before he ordered the horsecollar kielbasa at Lambeau Field, featuring beer cheese and fried sauerkraut, that he’d break four Jewish commandments with just one bite.

The Pac N Cheese, also at Lambeau. Brat on a bun smothered in mac ‘n cheese. Trust me when I say it was worth sprouting a pair of bitch tits.

We loved the jumbo pretzels at Old German Beer Hall so much, we came back for seconds (fifths, really) the next night. Even though the kitchen was closed, the bartender was super cool and heated up a few for us. And no, we didn’t miss the irony of Germans fattening up Jews.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Eight Guys Go To Wisconsin: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

In the sixth inning of games at Miller Park in Milwaukee, the Brewers’ staff pulls fans out of the stands, dresses them as bratwurst, Polish sausage, Italian sausage and chorizo, and has them race around the warning track. I yelled to the contestants, “You gotta want this!”

At the Old German Beer Hall in Milwaukee, this is considered a “tall.”

For once and for all, we found Waldo.

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers goes by the nickname Mr. Rodgers. I thought this fan’s cardigan was truly inspired.

Click on this panoramic view of Lambeau Field and you’ll get a feel for how cozy it is and how much it embraces tradition. The stadium’s only flaw is that the majority of the seats are backless, metal bleachers, so when you sit down, you gotta crowbar yourself between two heavyset Wisconsinites.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Any Room Under There?

If you’re like me, you pack two hours before leaving for a trip, and unpack three months after coming home.

Actually, that ain’t me at all. After the plane landed late and sat on the runway for an hour, I went to the gym, picked up Ricky, did laundry, cleaned, vacuumed, mopped, bathed Ricky and then hit the wall so hard I can’t will myself to conjure up a smarmy finish to this sentence. Ricky, by the way, was so tired from his kennel stay he passed out standing up on the ledge outside our place.

So forgive me as I delay recapping the trip to Wisconsin – which was amazing – one more day. In the meantime, enjoy my new favorite New York Post headline:

Monday, September 15, 2014

Game Day.

Dogs are some of the coolest people I’ve ever met.

So when the Jets signed convicted Pit Bull killer Michael Vick, I immediately stopped rooting for the team I’ve loved my entire life. And when my friends decided to go to Wisconsin to see the Jets play in the most historic stadium in the NFL – Lambeau Field – the trip was too much fun to pass up, so I came with them, and kept on not rooting for the Jets.

At Lambeau, I wore the same t-shirt MMA fighter Gordon “Shotgun” Shell, a huge Pit Bull lover, wears into the ring every time he fights. I must say: my friends and all the Jet fans were respectful of it, and Packer fans took pictures of it. The stadium was beautiful. The weather was warm. It couldn’t have been a more perfect day.

More about the whole weekend in the next few days. For now, I’m on my way back to LA, unscathed.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Proof That No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

I hustled like hell to make the end of my nephew’s birthday party, and when I got there and checked in on Facebook, a friend responded:

Friday, September 12, 2014

There Are Worse Views To Have…

…while picking up dog poop. From my front door, last night.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

So, This Is How I Die.

Wisconsin, prepare yourselves. Eight guys are about to enter you.

I’m going to Wisconsin this weekend with my brother and six friends, where we’ll catch a baseball game in Milwaukee and a football game in Green Bay. A top-shelf extravaganza.

But sports are only half the mission. All of us want the real Milwaukee experience, which means brats, cheese curds, and frozen custard – and that’s just breakfast. I volunteered to scout the restaurants and stadium food that are must-haves, and what I’ve learned thus far is: the closest Wisconsinites have ever come to eating better is eating butter.

Exhibit A, above is a mashed potato and pulled-pork parfait. It’s served at Brewer games, and I’ve already packed a fistful of blood thinners in anticipation.

Leaving Saturday. Coming back Monday. Funeral, I wanna say Thursday-ish.