Friday, May 26, 2017

Just This Once.

Reasons white people riot: 1) Their sports team wins. 2) Their sports team loses.

Please, Jesus, let me burn the city down joyfully on Monday with a Maryland championship. I promise I’ll thank you. And compliment your sandals.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Realization At Food 4 Less.

If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a 40 oz. rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Good Luck, Dummy.

I may not have many friends, but at least I know my dog will never ask me to help him move.

Actually, I have some stellar friends. Including a fellow actor named Ariel. We coach each other for auditions, and will drop anything to help out. Ariel has gotten up at 5 a.m. to work on a scene with me. Few civilians would do that.

Last night, I helped him with a huge role for a big film. Lots of dialogue, which he’d been memorizing for two days before it was suddenly changed to all-new dialogue last night. It was a beast, but we hammered it out.

Today is his audition. Fingers crossed he gets to play the role on something a smidge bigger than an iPad soon.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Terminal Goodness.

At the airport last week, I heard a guy’s laptop say “you’ve got mail”. I was pretty sure I’d landed in 1998.

He may not have his shit together, but LAX does. I happened to fly the same weekend Delta and JetBlue were swapping terminals. It was a feat that required 170 movers to transport everything across the airport, including 3000 computers.

Not only did they get it done, but by the time I landed back in LA on Tuesday, all of the new signage was up. I have to hand it to LAX – they really came through. Anticipating several confused passengers, they posted dozens of workers positioned who would approach unprompted and ask if you needed any help.

Inside, workers in “RELAX WHILE WE RE(DO) LAX” branded shirts handed out free bottles of fancy, pressed juices, and packs of cookies. That’s how it’s done.

 Let this be a lesson: I will put up with any level of inconvenience if you serve me juice and cookies.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Weekend Impediments.

First, I had an obstructed view of the Maryland lacrosse game.

Then, not fully-recovered from serious laryngitis, I did a scene in a casting workshop for seven casting directors. Here are their comments, emailed to me later in the day: “natural and fun... believable... great chemistry... very funny in scene... loved this scene for you.” Yeah, I play hurt.

I’ve come to realize: obstacles are there to help you realize whether you really want something, or just think you do.

Friday, May 19, 2017


Purchase $250,000 car. Paint it camouflage. Stop making payments.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

In Which Everything I Love Has To Die.

I was once sitting in a movie theater when a trailer ended with “November 20th”, and a guy loudly said, “That’s my birthday!” A random guy said “happy birthday”.

That was the best trailer ever. I only like them in small doses, which is so not AMC Theaters’ philosophy. You’ll sit through a half hour of commercials and trailers before the movie you came to see finally begins. If Costco built a movie theater, this would be it.

It’s why my friends and I pay extra to see films at ArcLight and Sundance Cinema. But yesterday, I found out the Sundance Cinema on Sunset Blvd. had changed to an AMC Theater. I leave for one weekend, and all hell breaks lose.

Sundance was such a great place. My movie, The Beneficiary, screened there when it was the Laemmle Theater, and then Robert Redford bought the Laemmle, threw $2 million at it, and spiffed it up into a really nice theater. It had real food and drinks and coffee, which you could take into your movie and place on the large side-tables between every fourth seat.

Rather than ushering you the hell out after your movie ended, the staff encouraged you to stay and hang – maybe have a drink at the unnamed bar – which is now named MacGuffins – which sounds like a theme restaurant, if the theme is “Mario Lopez”.

All I can hope is that this AMC continues to show more independent films, like my favorite movie from last year, Don’t Think Twice. If not, I may take to drinking. Anywhere but MacGuffins.