Monday, October 20, 2014

Weekend Slideshow.

Like clockwork (well, once every four years), I had the kickass celebrity sighting of Mel Brooks at Porta Via in Beverly Hills.

I like this: Wilson is now selling “Wilson” from Castaway volleyballs.

You know how pet owners begin to look like their pets? This woman at the bus stop looks awfully like the ad on the bench.

The only thing worse than getting the flu? Waiting for a flu shot at Target pharmacy – where hope goes to get violated. The good news: over an hour there, and I still never got the shot. The better news: the whole time, I had two gallons of milk going bad in my car.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Ultimate Definition Of “F-You Money”:

My neighbor hiring a full crew to decorate their house for Halloween.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Yeah – What She Said.

Maybe I just screw up a lot because I’m a generous person who wants to make my friends look better.

But my friend Ted Melfi needs no help. He wrote and directed a new movie starring Bill Murray, and this is the week it’s getting a wide release.

It’s been interesting texting with Ted all week. I thought this would be the greatest moment of his life – launching his first huge film – but he’s actually as worried as any filmmaker no matter what the project.

Probably because producer Harvey Weinstein has been putting the pressure on, making it clear that the first weekend a film opens is everything. I thought I was rooting for Ted before, but now I’m obsessed, checking box office numbers more than him.

Well, St. Vincent actually opened last weekend, in a handful of theaters, and it wound up grossing more than any other film per theater. Like, way more.

Ted forwarded me Ellen’s tweet the other day, and it can’t hurt that she has 33 million followers on Twitter. Everybody, fingers crossed.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Help You Help You.

Waze, the amazing navigation app, was created by a frustrated Israeli commuter who needed help following directions. So look for me to launch a navigating-women app shortly.

I downloaded Waze a couple years ago, but it was only recently that I began using it and fell in love. This seems to be the prevailing pattern among all users: skepticism, then curiosity, then infatuation.

I understand the hesitation. The interface is a bit of mess until you adjust the settings. The logo is kinda spermy. You think traffic is shit no matter what. How could this possibly help?

It helps like you can’t imagine. Waze is crowd sourced, so it’s constantly evolving, getting you where you’re going faster, often providing a different route every time. I love that. Its shortcuts take you through cool neighborhoods you’ve never seen before. It gamifies your drive. You can select from a variety of voices, including Ichabod Crane and actor Terry Crews. Another plus (but in retrospect a negative): I found out that the way I’ve driven home off the 405 Freeway ten-thousand times was longer than it had to be. I’ll kick my own ass, thanks.

And talk about intuitive. You might ask yourself why, if I needed to continue on Beethoven, it took me out of my way for one block:
Because the light at Palms takes forever. Waze saved me five minutes right there. That shit adds up.

Oh, and notice the icon on the lower left? Waze encourages you to report cops, so that fellow users can avoid tickets. Suck it, pigs.

Google knew the value of Waze – it paid $1.3 billion dollars for it. But you can download it for free. And the more of us who get on it and use it, the more accurate the navigation and real time driving conditions get reported, the sooner traffic will ease everywhere. You are a hero.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Come On Out To The Coast. We’ll Get Together, Have A Few Laughs.

When you move to a new town, everyone wants to date you because they don’t know you’re a piece of shit yet. I highly recommend it.

Actually, it doesn’t really hold true for my town – Los Angeles – because I can’t emphasize enough how amazingly supportive the people are. Case in point: my friend Aina was in a play Saturday night, and we packed the house to see her really nail a challenging role.

Then, so many friends joined Aina for her birthday celebration at Sadie Kitchen & Lounge, it had the feeling of wedding, with Aina and her husband Bru barely able to sit down as they went around our XXXL table greeting everyone.

LA is the best. Seriously, come out and we’ll take care of you. Even you, pieces of shit.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Visual Aids For Your Monday Morning.

After taking a nap in my car right before a workshop with my sunglasses propped above my eyes, I did a scene for a big casting director with dents in my forehead.

For a brief moment, I wondered if this was left in the dairy section from last Christmas.

Fancy chicken and waffles at Sadie Kitchen & Lounge. Not so fancy: me licking the plate when I was done.

Get a double-murderer off, and you too can have a middle school named after you. (Triple murderer earns you a high school.)