Friday, January 24, 2020

This Is A Baseball Movie Now?

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 original holiday movies you might enjoy.

Die Hard, by the way, is not a Christmas movie. Neither is Lethal Weapon. And if you think they are, the Shining is a definitely a Christmas movie, because there’s snow in it.

That said, Naked Gun is not a baseball movie, Major League Baseball Network. And now that this is all cleared up, we can return to the important debates, like is a hot dog a sandwich.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

I Blow Glass.

Just once I’d like to walk around nude drinking a scotch without an art class trying to sketch me.

But I get it. The arts. I’ve recently taught myself how to cook. And paint. I made soap. I grew a lawn from scratch. I’m a renaissance man. Except I’m not riddled with plague.

I don’t recall exactly what made me look up glassblowing classes last week, but I found a great one in Venice, and yesterday, I went from complete novice to a guy who created three pieces of glass. I don’t have pictures of them yet, because they’ll be in the annealer (a kiln-like contraption; I know way too many glassblowing words now) until Friday.

Yeah it’s all nutty, but I love learning new, creative things. It’s meditative. It’s fun. It makes me better at problem solving. It makes me a better actor. Whoever dies with the most skills wins.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Much Respect.

If a cop pulls you over and asks if you know why, just answer “Ae you giving me a ticket or a quiz.” You’ll get a free ride in his car.

I’m suggesting this to you, car in front of me with hats placed on the rear headrests so you can ride in the carpool lane. This scam is just crazy enough to not work.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020


How do I like my steak? Gimongous.

Saturday night, ten of us – frat brothers, wives and girlfriends, had dinner at Rare, just around the corner from the White House. Our server, Allison (the job title on her business card is “Captain,” which is cool), sensed we were game for anything, and mentioned something off the menu: “superhawk.” 80 oz. of meat. My pledge-trainer Al, pictured next to me, -*is a frequent steakhouse attendee, yet he lit up like a little kid. We all did. Game on.

Back in the kitchen, the chef was thrilled to hear our order. I suppose few rubes like us actually go for this monstrosity. The staff made a show of it. After the chef used a ban saw to cut the meat, Allison hauled it out pre-cooked so we could Instagram the shit out of it. Rare had a woodworker craft a special rack on which to serve it post-grill, Flintstones style. Get the rack – the TEΦ house is here.

Helping us class-up the joint were the ladies. Thank goodness, because the doors to the XXXL wine fridge swung in, and as we men lost our balance taking this shot, our butts came this close to tacking a couple more grand onto the bill. Great night, greater people.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Basketball With The Booze Brothers.

SECURITY GUARD: “Do you guys have alcohol on you?”
US: “We don’t think so. Hold these flasks while we check.”

My friend Jack, above on the right, brought two bladders full of homemade old fashioneds into the arena and we watched our Maryland basketball team beat Purdue. We’ve come a long way since we were keystering in grain punch.

Pregrame. It was snowing Saturday morning on campus, which I think is the most beautiful campus in the country, and it brought back the best memories. If you or your kids are debating whether to attend a big college or a small one, go big – with major sports on campus. You will forever feel an allegiance to your teams, and gamedays are electric.

Post-game, ESPN host and extra proud Maryland alum Scott Van Pelt held court. The guy I really want to meet now is Larry David, who attended Maryland in the 60s, and was a member of my fraternity. When I do bump into him (or better yet, work with him), I’m totally going to give him the secret handshake.

Friday, January 17, 2020

My Brothers.

A fraternity reunion. Catching up. Bonding. Sharing memories about sharing the same bottle of axe body spray.

We had a great dinner and lots of drinks last night. There were many more guys than just the four of us pictured, but I was having such a good time I neglected to snap a lot of photos. More on that later. I’m tired. But it’s good to be back with the boys.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Back To School.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day, and not just every 10 years.

But college fraternity reunions, on the other hand, count me in. I’m headed to DC today for a reunion dinner tonight with my frat brothers, and to see a Maryland basketball game on Saturday. Can’t wait.

If my post tomorrow is in any way incoherent, I plead jet lag.