Wednesday, February 20, 2019

No Eating, Touching, Breathing, Or Looking.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, oatmeal/olive oil soap tastes just like soap.

Well, it’s not actually soap yet, and I may lose my tongue sampling it. You see, I finally had time for the next step in my new challenge: making soap. (Last year I taught myself to cook and paint.) You might recall I decided to try making bars of soap with a 3D image of Ricky before the holidays. I was progressing well – I carved his image from clay, and made a silicone mold inside a wooden box for stability.

Then I got sidetracked. But yesterday, I finally had time to put soap ingredients together. I was super careful because I’ve never worked with lye before. (Note: do the first step outside, because adding distilled water to lye makes it instantly heat up to a high temp, and be gentle – even the smallest drop of this mix will burn your skin.)

Now I wait. It can take several days to harden into the right consistency, but so far it does smell great. (I also used lavender essential oil.) Soon, hopefully, I will be lathering up with that little bastard’s soapy likeness.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

My Patriotic Duty.

A true President’s Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise would be drenched in pee.

I bought a mattress anyway, because it’s the law, and it’s super comfy. But even better, I splurged and bought a power base that’s adjustable via remote control, and – best of all – it has a full massage component. Full massage!

It’s going to be delivered Saturday, and something tells me my new bedtime is going to be 6 p.m. It’s good to be the king.

Monday, February 18, 2019


Remember when you were at a friend’s house and his folks fought and you didn’t know where to look? That’s how I get when an athlete does a rap song.

Friday, February 15, 2019

The Rain, She Is A Stayin’.

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff with an open umbrella, so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

Yes, people in Los Angeles own umbrellas. We never get to use them, what with the six-month gaps between rainfall. But in the last few weeks, all that has changed. It’s raining almost every day, and continuing today, and is going to next week.

It’s strangely nifty, and has changed things up. (So many chances to steal someone’s garbage can lid to keep your head dry in a downpour.) On the other hand, it can get ugly. The blur you see in the upper left is a demolished Volkswagen that was holding up the entire 405 Freeway yesterday. Also, walking Ricky in this endless monsoon is not fun. Enough.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Because I’m In Love With You, Ladies.

I got all my guy friends condoms and Bibles for Valentine’s Day, because I’m praying they get laid.

But for the women, I offer up ten things they may not know about men. This is straight from my heart to you, baby girls:

  1. Men are like dogs. There’s always one who loves you for you, and there’s also always one who just peed in an inappropriate place.
  2. A nice butt is not crucial for a good relationship. But it helps. 
  3. Make all your passwords your ex-boyfriends’ names, just to make sure you forget them. 
  4. Relationships are mostly men apologizing for saying something hilarious. 
  5. Any woman who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl drunk texts us at 3 a.m. 
  6. Married couples draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top. 
  7. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant squids, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates. 
  8.  You know, you’re right – we really should treat you like a princess – isolated, scrutinized, and doomed to a loveless marriage. 
  9. We really just want to meet a woman the old fashioned way: while being exchanged for livestock. 
  10. You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage. Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

A Word About Tomorrow’s Post.

My blog. Because my sitcom scripts aren’t just going to ignore themselves.

But there is, however, one day each year that makes it all worthwhile. My favorite day. I love creating my Valentine’s Day post, in which I try to educate the ladies about ten things they may not know about guys. I take my time and craft them, and am really proud of the results.

So if you read one entry all year, make it tomorrow. You gals (and guys) may actually learn something. And if by some chance you’re just now realizing that Valentine’s day is right around the corner, don’t worry – so is Walmart.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019