Monday, November 24, 2014

I Head North.

Can we all agree to just stop what we’re doing for five minutes, and get a worldwide airplane safety speech so that we can skip them forever?

That thought occurred to last night as I made my way up to San Francisco to do some casting for a project I’m working on. It’s good to be here. And I’ve got a pretty kickass view from my hotel room. Who’s up for a good short week?

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Pics Or It Didn’t Happen.

Rain in Los Angeles. And my neighbor picking the wrong night to air out the cigarette stench.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

34 Days Left.

How do I put removing my Bill Cosby tattoo on my Amazon Wish List?

Well, I guess moving up to the top spot is the Superman onesie I saw last. It’s just my size. It even has a cape. My best performance all year will be acting surprised when you give it to me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Beneficiary Bonus.

Everything happens for a reason. And the reason is stupid.

Sometimes it’s out of your control, like the Madden Curse. If you appear on the cover of the Madden NFL video game, you’ll suffer some really shitty luck. One quarterback, Daunte Culpepper, set the record for most fumbles in a season before blowing out both knees. He’s fat now.

However, it occurred to me yesterday that if you worked on The Beneficiary, the film that I wrote and starred in, you’ll experience the Beneficiary Bonus. My director, Ted Melfi, just wrote and directed the film St. Vincent. My co-star, Julie Ann Emery, was just cast as a regular on the “Breaking Bad” spinoff “Better Call Saul.” My other co-star, John Kapelos, recurred on “Justified,” and just shot a role in a film opposite Robert DeNiro. Looks like I’m up.

Oh, but one more. My friend John Hunter composed my film, and in 2012, he composed the score for the Oscar-winning animated short. That’s him above, on the right. The other day, I sent a rough-cut of my new comedy short to John, and he liked it so much, he asked if he could score it. Hell yes, sir. Lucky me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Trading Paint With Mrs. Delight.

I love my SUV. It’s big, and powerful, but it still corners like it’s hanging onto a stripper's pole.

And now, it’s a bit less pretty. At a stoplight yesterday in Beverly Hills, I thought I felt/heard a car bump into me. I got out and found out I’d been sideswiped. Waving her hand out her window to me from the turning lane ahead was the culprit: some mom-type who’d tried to cut it way too close.

She didn’t seem very thrilled with herself, so I tried to be super nice about it, letting her know over and over again it was no deal big deal. But it’s actually a major pain in the ass.

And I doubt this was the first time she’d done this, as she went through some pretty choreographed steps, giving me her license and registration, telling me to snap photos of them, and asking me if I could not go through her insurance company. (Extra bonus: her insurance card had an expiration of 2/2/13. She claimed it was paid-up. This dingbat lies about as well as she drives.)

Oh, and note to her: take the “Baby on Board” sign and stick it on your dashboard.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Weekend Shit I Couldn’t Possibly Make Up.

Stella Barra in Hollywood features a chocolate chip cookie topped with mini Rice Krispie treats followed by a shot of insulin.

Varsity jazz? Congrats, nerds.

It’s a Wrap, on Robertson Blvd., resells wardrobe from Hollywood shoots. May the happy couple’s marriage last longer than the canceled TV show from which the bride’s gown came.