Friday, February 16, 2018

Holiday Just About Over.

Idea: a No-More Tangles shampoo for Christmas lights.

Or, just leave them up, like my friends here in Dallas. They haven't taken them down because a) they love the holidays (I do too), and b) they've been having such a good year so far, they don't want to risk ending their streak. It's just good science.

Flying back to LA today. Always a bummer to end a good trip, but I actually have to get back before going out of town again next week. Merry 54th day of Christmas to you all.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

My Valentine.

I want to get a horse, but Im worried Ill just pile laundry on it.

One of the benefits of Texas life: youre often steps away from a ranch. This guy was extra sweet and came over to say hello. Helped me miss Ricky a tiny bit less. Thanks, sir.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

To: Every Lady Everywhere. Love: Me.

Me, remembering women like mysterious men: “My favorite color is a secret.”

I like the romance. And I love the Valentine’s Day. So much so, I make it an annual tradition to share ten things about men that women may like to learn:
  1. Titanic is the best movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
  2. Wait at least a year before getting engaged. You haven’t seen his fall wardrobe yet, and it could be a deal breaker. 
  3. Guys are like, “I want a girl that rocks Jordans, plays video games, and watches sports with me.” Yeah, you want a boyfriend, dude. 
  4. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your sister.
  5. A good thing to write on your dating profile: “High risk. High reward.”
  6. Spoiler alert: if a guy friend gives you a teddy bear, it has a camera in it.
  7. If you really want a quality man, focus on pizza delivery guys, because at least you’ll know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
  8. “Let’s hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina” = Friendship
  9. Want our attention? Send us nude pics. Want to piss us off? When we respond, reply: “Oops, wrong person”. 
  10. Always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

Monday, February 12, 2018

My Tony Home Away From Home.

Someday I’ll have my own swanky place. And then I’ll need a housekeeper/butler. What’s Geoffrey from “Fresh Prince” up to lately?

In the meantime, I’ll live vicariously through my friends Mark and Michelle, and their huge Dallas home. It’s includes a pretty awesome media room. I must have it.

Mark and Michelle are super fun and gracious hosts, and I never want to leave. When you think about it, this place is so big, I could just hide here and never be found.

Gone Visitin’.

Texas. Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

I’m heading there today – to Dallas, for five days, to visit my friends Mark and Michelle.

It’ll be good to see them, and be back in my old haunt. I lived in Dallas for a smidgen before moving to LA, and it’ll be my first time back.

Check in, as I’ll be blogging from there, and refraining from using a Southern drawl so as not to incite a riot.

Friday, February 9, 2018

And You’re Welcome.

Shout-out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

With one exception: my agents took the time to send me a handwritten thank-you note, and that was extra sweet.

And hell yeah on the successful year. It’s already happening. Good news coming soon.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Culinary Corner – I Loiter In The Orient.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American: with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

After my successful stab at wonton soup, I went back to the Asian well, with another one of my favorites: chicken lo mein.

As is my perverse wont, I made the noodles from scratch. The key: slice them as thinly as possible, and keep dusting them with flour to keep them from sticking together. (One of these days, I’ll delve into my newfound love affair with all-purpose flour – a staple of every recipe I’ve made thus far. It has more range than The Rock. A five-tool player.)

The finished product. Hours to make, seconds to wolf it down. (I’m slightly ashamed to admit I used a fork. Forgive me, but when I use chopsticks, it looks like I’m trying to knit the noodles. Plus, it feels kinda racist that people only use chopsticks to eat Asian food. How come never for pancakes?)

Thanks, Beijing. You’ve been great.