Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Oh Bloody Heaven.

I donate blood in the hopes that mine will overpower my recipient and take control of his body so I will gain another vessel to call my own.

Actually, I donate every eight weeks simply because I can. People need it. Currently, only 1 in 30 people give blood, but 1 in 3 people will need blood in their lifetime.

This is my annual Red Cross plea. Do the math – if 1 in 3 need it, you’re gonna need it. So why not give? I understand if you don’t like needles, but trust me when I say they don’t hurt. The only painful part is being forced to watch Queen Latifah interview Ru Paul in the snack area. That’ll make you pass out.

And yummy snacks indeed, thanks to Keebler. Hey, they were generous enough to donate Chips Deluxe and EL Fudge – so you can part with a simple pint. Okay? Okay.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Sometimes, during movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

It’s my second favorite film-promotion-based prank. My first comes from an article I read yesterday in The New Yorker, about Jonah Hill’s maturity:

“The Jonah Hill audiences fell in love with in Knocked Up and Superbad was an overgrown baby – a pudgy, party-loving scamp who’d hide behind cardboard cutouts of himself in movie theaters, then jump out to scare people.”

Monday, April 14, 2014

That Ain’t Water.

I watched my alma mater, Maryland, play lacrosse against its rival, Johns Hopkins, with these knuckleheads, who played for Maryland themselves. I was regaled with stories of breaking and entering, drunk driving all the way to spring break and a blatant violation of NCAA rules… I also watched the fight Saturday night. Homophobe Manny Pacquiao entering the ring to a Katy Perry song was probably a victory for gay men everywhere… Conan O’Brien hosted the MTV Movie Awards last night, and I really liked this bit in which he tried to get 50 celebrities to appear... Over the weekend, I had one friend post that his dad had shattered his elbow, and another that his dog had died. Facebook may want to look into an option to click besides “like.”

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Hey, Everybody!

How’s your day? Anyone sleep in the grass beside a stranger’s car or poop in a port-a-john? Me neither! Coachella-free weekend.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Career Suicide Hotline.

The only thing less demeaning than a celebrity calling an Australian radio station because a billboard asked them to is everything else in the world.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Your Move, Producers.

My long-term goal is to have my obituary include “died violently in a casino orgy.”

My short-term goal: book a role in the film I auditioned for yesterday.

You know when you leave the audition room if you nailed it or not, and it felt great. Because I err on the side of caution (my safe word is “burrito”), I can’t mention what the film is, but I hope to soon. And I really hope to be in it.

By the way, the pic above is a screen grab from the rehearsal session I had with my friend Ariel, who I can’t thank enough. I’ll find out in the next week or so, and if the news is good, then ladies and gents, start your boners.