Friday, February 12, 2016

Thursday, February 11, 2016

This One Goes Out To My One True Love: The Ladies.

This much I know about you married types: “Date night!” = “Our relationship died a year ago!”

But you’re not my demo. I’m here to enlighten the single women, with my annual Valentine’s Day gift: ten things that’ll help you better understand us guys.
  1. Ladies, I know you want to make it special tonight, but be careful – glitter is really hard to get out of your vagina. 
  2. A soul patch is a “check engine” light for dudes. 
  3. Your friend didn’t find her soulmate. She just found someone geographically accessible who also puts chips on his sandwich. 
  4. The maximum number of pillows on a bed should be six to ten. 
  5. When a girl begins a sentence with “honestly,” we buckle up for the bitch ride of our lives. 
  6. Sorry you can’t go on a date with us because you’re still angry about this different guy who lied to you once. 
  7. “How To Win Him Back In 10 Easy Steps!” Steps 1-10: don’t. 
  8. Only your girlfriends like your bangs. 
  9. Don’t listen to anything your ex-boyfriend says. He is always wrong. Unless he says you’re spectacular and give good head. Then he’s right. 
  10. Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day, he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have needlessly sacrificed a goat.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

In Which I Take Pics Of Much Better Pics.

All I know about photography is that every white girl within a 40-mile radius of me has their own business doing it.

Doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it. The other day, I checked out a photo exhibit by Catherine Opie at MOCA in West Hollywood called 700 Nimes Road.

In 2010, Catherine spent six months photographing Liz Taylor’s home in Bel Air. (900 Nimes was Liz’s address.) Catherine never actually met Liz, because in the middle of the project, Liz passed away. The end results were a pretty fascinating look into the domestic life of an old-school Hollywood legend.

I like the juxtaposition of framed photos of Liz with Michael Jackson and Roddy McDowell, alongside the guide for her cable remote.

Three Oscars, four Golden Globes and two BAFTAs. Kinda makes you forget she was in The Flintstones.

Bit of an old-school Hollywood diva move, having her hair stylist make house calls.

The home transformed quickly after Liz died, as her jewelry was prepared for auction.

After seven husbands, you practically need an Excel sheet to keep track of the engagement rings.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Advantage: Uncle Mack.

You know a gift is gonna suck when the giver launches into an explanation while you’re opening it.

Not a problem for my mom, who always comes through with the perfect present. Like the electric Razor scooter she gave me in December.

That prompted my niece to want one as well, so my mom sent one her way, which was great, because I needed a racing opponent. Now my niece, nephew and I have been spending our Sundays hauling ass around their school, parking lots and sidewalks.

But there’s a problem: I have 120 lbs. on them, and have been consistently losing. So I decided to do what any good uncle would: cheat.

I cracked open the motor to get to the processor board. Then I used a soldering iron to override the current limiter. Diabolical.

The result: the scooter flies now. A huge increase in torque and speed. It’s go time.

It’s important for children to learn early on about dealing with loss. You’re welcome, kids.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Actually, HE’S Going to Disneyland.

Throw a Super Bowl party. Because you’re just dying to clean your place twice in twelve hours.

But keep an eye on your ride all day. I was filling up my car yesterday when a guy next to me started telling me that Super Bowl Sunday was his favorite day. Not because of the action, but the distraction. He’s a repo man.

With three kids, including an eight-week old (random people like to open up to me), he makes big cash with little hassle because everyone is way into watching the game. I guess not having someone threaten to stab you in the face is a good day at work. Winner.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Friday, February 5, 2016

My New Favorite Before And After.

First it was thick, unwieldy vines. Then wood chips. Then dry, unfertile soil. So when I planted grass seed, I worried my yard would look like it was trying to grow a playoff beard.

But check this out:
Not bad, for one month. In fact, it grew so quickly, this pic was taken after it had to be mowed this week. It’s not perfect yet, but I’ll get it there.

Ricky finally has a yard. Who knew.