Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Hittin’ The Books.

Charlie Chaplin once actually entered a contest for Charlie Chaplin look-alikes, and he came in third.

But as much as he was a knucklehead, he was also well read. And one of my favorite hangouts in LA is V Wine Bar, which used to be Charlie’s library.

Hence the books, which in true Hollywood fashion are actually just a façade. The place has great wine and beer and cheese plates. In fact, the owner, who is pictured above (and a super nice guy), just opened up V Cheese Shop around the corner. A cheese shop – a strong indication that the economy is back.

Check this place out. For the booze. For the history. For the boozery.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

And I Have A Solution.

As my friend Chad and I push through the writing process of our sitcom, one of our main edicts is to keep it unique. No clichés.

But if you insist on sticking with the familiar, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. (A phrase, by the way, that’s been used in 313 movies.)

I mean, you just don’t get it, do you? (222 times.) You look like shit (657) doing it. Just turn in your badge. (51.)

Houston, we’ve got a problem. (91.) We’ve got company. (451.) Forgive me if I’m out of line (143) here, but I’m able to write and keep it original. Our show’s premise? I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you (22.)

End scene. This blog entry is thanks in part to my friend Jason, who turned me on to QuoDB.com. Search for any quote, and see how many times it’s been used. And then don’t use it.

Monday, May 23, 2016

And We’re Back.

Some people will only watch a football game if it’s ten minutes long and accompanied by 30 minutes of riveting drama in a small Texas town.

Not me. Give me a full slate of games. On Saturday, I did the PA announcing once again for the local kid’s Super Bowl. Here’s what I learned:
  1. After the Penn State scandal, a boys football team called the Nittany Lions is a bit disconcerting. 
  2. There is crying in football. Lots and lots of crying. 
  3. Parents, if your kid has a last name that’s really hard to pronounce, don’t get butthurt if I pronounce it wrong. 
  4. It’s always fun when a parent thinks I’m favoring one team over another. Uh, I don’t have a kid, let alone a kid in your game. You tell me who I’m rooting for because I frankly don’t know. Also: you’re a delight.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Genius.

By the elevators in this building, next to a discarded piece of Kit Kat bar.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Flashback Friday.

NYC – December, 2015. Threat acknowledged.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Mr. Lucky.

When I first met Ricky, he was 5 ½ weeks old, living outside, had been sprayed by a skunk, and was so filthy I thought the color of his fur was brown.

Now he lives by the beach, sleeps on a memory foam mattress and has the entire Mets infield scratching his back.

He was dealt a bad hand, but he sure did play his cards right.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Saw This Guy Yesterday, And Thought Of An Opening To A Sketch. Feel Free To Steal It.

FRANK GARCIA, 51, crossing guard, sits patiently on a bus bench in the morning sun, holding a stop sign. 

A bus approaches, but rolls past him, and Frank holds up his arms – and the stop sign. The bus comes to a stop. He gets on, swipes his card, and sits. 

Cut to Frank getting off the bus. He walks down a sidewalk in a busy neighborhood, passing an older man, who clutches his heart as his pacemaker stops. 

As he walks past a landscaper using a very loud leafblower, the leafblower stops. The landscaper checks the on/off switch. 

Frank turns into the walkway of a garden apartment building, passing a yappy Jack Russell, who suddenly quiets and sits. Frank enters his apartment, puts his stop sign on a coffee table, picks up a remote and turns on the midday news. 

NEWS ANCHOR VO 
For the first time in history, 
there is peace in the Middle East.