Friday, September 25, 2020

The Smell Of Popcorn. And Exhaust.

I’ve never been to a drive-in theater – except for the all the times I park on my neighbor’s lawn and watch movies through their living room window. 

Tomorrow night, I’m going to broaden my horizons by seeing a film at the LA-famous Paramount Drive-In. I hope I kick myself hard for avoiding this my entire life. Thanks, COVID.

Thursday, September 24, 2020

Here’s A Twist

I heard Coronavirus makes everything taste like LaCroix, so now I’m wearing seven masks. 

I pulled six of them off for something I’d never experienced before. I had an audition for a TV show this week, and was asked to do the same scene twice – with and without a mask. 

I suppose this may be the look we’ll be seeing on some TV shows as the virus lingers past season premiere dates. Just know my lips were fully emoting.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Swing And A Miss.

The night my Lifetime movie premiered, I saw these tweets from two random viewers. It was an open-net shot I had to take. But instead of freaking these two out, to this day there’s been no response. 

Thanks millennials. I’d like to think I spooked you off, but you were just busy eating your avocado toast.

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

One More Excerpt.

My friend Mark said he won’t get a tattoo because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” Which is weird because he’s a ’92 Chevy Caprice at best. 

The bumper sticker that always caught my eye was from radio station Froggy 101 on “The Office.” I always get a kick out of authenticity, and this show had plenty of it. It came up in the anthology book I’m reading in a story from Mari Potis of the Greater Scranton Chamber of Commerce:
I got a call from Phil Shea, a property master who told me they were doing a pilot for a TV show about a fictional paper company that would be set in Scranton. He wanted to use a Scranton Chamber of Commerce sign for the walls and then asked if I would help with some other items for the show. Then for the next nine years, I became the person that got them authentic Scranton props for the background. Eventually, we sent them truckloads of items submitted from local businesses that lined up to donate them at Steamtown mall, hoping to get free advertising on TV. It was the yellow Froggy 101 sticker (from Dwight’s desk), pizza boxes and newspapers… whatever they needed.

Monday, September 21, 2020

The Universe Did Its Worst.

I know my brain has been poisoned because an earthquake shook LA Friday night, and mid-quake my very first thought was “Oh boy, here come the tweets.” 

I heard the earthquake coming down the street and then it rumbled through my house like a train. In 2020 everything is on. Like on Saturday, a blackout occurred while I spent the day at my brother’s house. My WiFi-starved nephew kept himself entertained: 

I went home for dinner only to have my power go out. Hours later, when it finally came back on, my cable was still out for the night. 

Every blackout is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit two years ago and never restocked them. Make a note

Friday, September 18, 2020

Pride Of The Pandemic.

I wish I was given half as much attention as I’m giving my lawn. 

I grew the grass in the forefront from scratch a few years ago. It was a longshot on some very unfertile soil, yet besides Ricky’s pee patches, it’s flourishing. 

A few months ago, I decided to turn an even more barren, rock-infested strip into more grass, which you can see in the background. Not bad. 

I choose to do all the seeding, mowing, weeding and watering so Ricky can romp and relax on a lush lawn. And yet if you look closely you’ll see he’s asleep behind two potted plants on the bricks. Enjoy your giant toilet, son.

Thursday, September 17, 2020

Okay, One More Thing…

The RNs who work for the Red Cross have excellent bedside manners. I’d like to see your drug dealer offer a lollipop after he stabs you in the arm with a needle. 

The Red Cross doesn’t stab at all. They’re extra gentle, and apologetic if you even slightly wince. Speaking of wincing, bear with me as I follow up my post from last week with one more quick plea to donate blood. 

How about this: we all want the coveted COVID antibody test. How about cutting to the front of the line? Your blood will be tested for antibodies, plus hepatitis, HIV and other STDs. The pic above features my results from donating last week. Negative, ladies. 

I know, positive for antibodies would be better. I’d be immortal. That said, one more cool thing: pizza-tracker technology shows you where your blood wound up. Someone in Tulsa is walking around with Matt Shevin inside him. Don’t be jelly.