Friday, October 21, 2016

For The 19th Time:

Flying United is like stepping on a Lego.

Yesterday, my flight was delayed four times, and was four hours late. Or as they like to call it at United: “Thursday”.

Every time one of their flights is delayed (let’s face it: every flight is delayed), the flight attendants tell me they don’t get advance warning either. I’m glad I got up at 5:30 a.m., brought Ricky to the kennel, parked my car and got a text on the shuttle to the airport that I would have lots and lots of time to kill.

United, you will absolutely go out of business. And JetBlue, I’ll never be inside someone else ever again. I promise.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Heading To The Melting Pot, Corners Where We Selling Rock.

I’d rather have a crying baby on my flight than a white dude who just did a trip to Thailand and can’t stop talking about it.

Fingers crossed it goes my way today, as I fly to New York for a meeting. I’ll stay in the city tonight, then visit my mom the rest of the weekend.

I’m unfortunately flying United today, which is like being in prison, but without the toilet wine. It’ll be JetBlue for the return flight, however, so thank you Jesus in advance.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Spanky Shows No Mercy.

Only my brother’s kid could shame a woman quite this way. Granted, it was against a Red Sox kid, so I wholeheartedly approve: my nephew ripping a home run last night off Nomar Garciaparra’s daughter.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

My 2700th Entry.

My writing style can be described as: “If a sentence has less than 55 words in it, the bus will explode.” Thanks for bearing with me.

As is tradition, I’ve chosen my favorite five entries from the past one hundred:

Petco Park: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. A little slice of paradise right by the place people traffic meth across the border. One man’s addiction here. 

New York: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. If you can make it there without crying 31 times a day, you can make it anywhere. Fight back the tears here. 

Fraternal. He’s not an actual brother. It’s more like the way Hulk Hogan uses the term “brother”, which is much more meaningful. Get familial here. 

In Which I Just Miss Out On A Great Role. Difficult come, difficult go. Watch both happen here. 

Weekend In Kansas City, Part III: Glorious Food. We have the meats. Wolf them down here.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Weekend Rundown.

Someone was a huge fan of SNL’s monologue, in which puppies were handed out to the audience.

Even though I’d relish three days of sleep and a chance to lose five pounds, I got a flu shot.

I discovered a new way to freak me out: put a sweater on a statue of a little girl.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

A Brand-New Edition Of “Enlighten The Goyim”.

Whoever called it “fasting” for Yom Kippur should have instead gone with “Jews cleanse”.

Why do we fast? Because it’s a sacred commandment to observe a special occasion by practicing self-denial. I shouldn’t say “we” because a) I’m not much for religion (it’s all Harry Potter to me), and b) I already forgot why Jews fast on Yom Kippur.

But I am religious when it comes to eating, and was excited to attend my friend Marc’s annual Break Fast, with its wall-to-wall casseroles, blintzes, quiches and desserts. My friend Jeff taught me the fine art of pacing oneself through one continuous binge. Hero.

You know, when you think about it, Jewish women are arguably the most pious – they practice sexual self-denial every day of the year. Heroines.