Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Heads Up, Intruders.

I got a new prop gun, and I’m not afraid to hand over all of my shit.

Monday, April 20, 2015

A Fair To Middling Uncle.

“Hey, You Stupid Kids, Here's What This Show Is About.” – theme song for every show on Nickelodeon. Just one of the thoughts I had as I babysat my niece and nephew yesterday.

It began with me trying to map out the day’s agenda. I actually went the fun route, taking them to the park, then lunch, then ice cream.

When I brought them back to their parents’ house, and passed out on their couch, my nephew thought it would be hilarious to keep mooning me while I slept. I snapped a pic of his last attempt. He knew the risks.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Checkmate, ISIS.

Birthday cake Peeps. America – F yeah.

Friday, April 17, 2015

They Really Did Put A Unicorn On The Building.

I don’t like to be difficult, but I’m good at it. Like yesterday, when I called out SAG for hyping their building’s redesign. So, above is the SAG building before…

…and here’s the after. A fittingly dramatic waste of cash.

You know what the problem is? We’re a weak union. Bunch of actors. The Teamsters wouldn’t tolerate this shit. Yeah, let’s be more like them.

But then I read about them, and found this:

When Bravo’s “Top Chef” began taping at Boston’s Steel & Rye restaurant in June, Teamster members from Local 25 greeted the crew and stars with picket signs, verbal abuse, alleged vandalism and even death threats. By the time “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi’s car pulled up to Steel & Rye in the picturesque New England town of Milton just outside Boston, one of them ran up to her car and screamed, “We’re gonna bash that pretty face in, you f*cking whore!” 

You know what? I’m good. Go SAG.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

My Union Dues At Work.

SAG is going to unveil its building’s revamped exterior today. If it doesn’t include an airbrushed unicorn, wizard or Aztec warrior, I swear I just don’t know anymore.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


I love the Internet. And the Internet loves me back. Why else would it be offering me so much sex?

But there are moments when the web and I need a trial separation, because it’s spawned the worst thing imaginable: mock outrage.

Everybody’s offended by everything. “Saturday Night Live” recently aired a commercial parody that had an ISIS premise, and the Internet went kablooie. People said SNL was pro-terrorism, not thinking for a second that the show simply shot a funny sketch. Comedy pushes boundaries. The sketch mocked ISIS and a commercial for Toyota.

When Trevor Noah was named Jon Stewart’s replacement, people went apeshit, saying he was anti-Semitic because he tweeted: “Almost bumped a Jewish kid crossing the road. He didn't look b4 crossing but I still would have felt so bad in my German car!”

Anti-Semitic? No. Guilty of a lack of creativity? Sure. Do we really think he’s Anti-Semitic? His current job is reporting for “The Daily Show,” for Jon Stewart – the Jewiest guy on the planet.

A couple weeks ago, the sitcom “Workaholics” had an episode in which a dad smacked his pain-in-the-ass kid. Instead of showing the kid getting hit, it was seen as a shadow projected on a wall. And then before the credits rolled, this message in the above pic popped up. Was it really necessary?

The next day, I watched an episode of “The Odd Couple,” in which Felix took out his frustrations with Oscar while gutting a fish for dinner. As he chopped the real fish’s head off, all I could think was that we would never see that on a modern TV show. Imagine the backlash.

My point is this: I’ve been shooting comedy sketches recently, and was challenged a bit to cast one role because the premise was a little dark. But I’d rather push it, because that’s what comedy is supposed to do. And I would tell all actors that I’m going to write a bunch of sketches, and I’m going to make them as funny as I can, and you really should get on board. Play it safe, you lose. Internet be damned.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

My Favorite Summer Replacement.

Thank God there’s a great new TV show on the air, so that I can change up my usual summer viewing habit: watching couples fight at Ikea.

Billy Crystal and Josh Gad star as fictionalized versions of themselves in the new FX show “Comedians,” and they’re not afraid to come off as douchey. Billy is especially subtle and perfect, and shows a side of himself we forget about after so many over-the-top Oscar telecasts. Plus you gotta hand it to him – he’s worth $45 million and still wants to get on the air and perform. (My new addiction: celebritynetworth.com. The lower level the celeb, the more fascinating it gets. Urkel is worth $10 million.)

Watch “Comedians.” Give it ratings. It’s really good.