Friday, July 29, 2016

New York: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery, Part II.

Passing this squirting fire hydrant in the South Bronx was like driving through a movie set, only real.

At first, I thought it didn’t bode well for Susannah and Juan that they were the only ones not cozying up to each other. But on second thought, my money’s on them. A couple’s engagement-photo affection is directly proportional to how crazy they are.


Though I wasn’t able to fly the unparalleled JetBlue to LA, props to Delta for putting an outward curve on its bathroom door to accommodate my big butt while I peed.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

New York: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

Daniel Day-Lewis is so method, he once checked in to this shithole.

The best thing about Ollie being a 20-lb. dog (vs. Ricky’s 85 lbs.) is that when he goes after the neighbor’s dog, I can pick him up with one hand.

Make the Hudson Parkway meh again.

Thanks for changing into the formal jerseys for your night at the theater, gentlemen.

Even the lobsters in New York have issues with rage.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Swanky Stadium.

I saved a ton of money to spend on a cool SUV, vacation getaways and Yankee tickets by not having children.

But then again, some of the best seats are free – thanks to my little brother, who’s got some serious connections.

Sometimes the players are in the stands. Here’s us on the telecast.

A police dog had to sniff my bag, but I wasn’t worried because he was a puppy, and probably not good at his job yet.

Sitting near us: “SNL”/Ghostbusters star Leslie Jones. The game went into extra innings, but Leslie couldn’t bear any more of the humidity, and left. Talk about heat – when I went to opening day in April, it was 36 degrees. On Saturday, it was 100. A 64-degree difference.

When you sit in seats this fantabulastic (the Yankees call it the “Legends Section”), you have full access to an incredible restaurant during the entire game, with all the fancy food you can eat (lobster mac ‘n cheese!) for free.*

*Free with the purchase of a $2400 seat.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Best Play On Broadway Right Now.

Every Thanksgiving I tell everyone at the dinner table that a woman just broke up with me, so they’ll let me overeat without shame.

There are generous portions of shame and regret in The Humans, in which a seemingly tight-knit family celebrates Thanksgiving in their daughter’s Chinatown apartment.

I saw the play on Friday, and I won’t give away details, except to say that while every character is flawed, each is entirely likeable. I’d see a play based on any one of their lives. The dialogue is subtle and funny and realistic and the themes stay with you for a few days – my barometer of great work.

It’s going to take me a few entries to recap my long weekend in New York, and I’m glad. It’s my barometer of a great trip.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Double Prize!

That’s gotta mean good luck.

Oh, wait – I’m still flying Delta back today. Stupid Cracker Jacks.

The weekend went quickly, but I packed it with as much as I could, and it was really, really good. Back to LA. Back to work.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

If You Say So.

Hauling ass out of the city last night, even my mom’s Lexus thought I needed a vacation.

Friday, July 22, 2016


During some turbulence, this kid, named Louie, shrieked louder than any baby I’ve ever encountered, and all I could think was, “This guy gets it.”

Thursday, July 21, 2016

So Cute.

He actually thinks I’m coming back.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

You Know What?

A group of idiots is called a “flight”.

I’ll be enduring one of these groups tomorrow, as I head to New York for five days to see my mom. And the Yankees. And a play. And generous helpings of chicken parm.

I’ll blog from there, so check in and catch up what I’m up to in the city that never stops smelling like someone’s ass.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Just A Little Behind.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for renovations.

And whoever is leading the construction of the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures must be one handsome, incompetent dude, because above is what it looked like when I passed by the other day.

And this is what it’s supposed to look like in 2017:
That’s not gonna happen. You know, when you think about it, a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off.

Monday, July 18, 2016

You’re Welcome.

My nephew, a good baseball player who was asked to play on a summer league team, had a game Saturday, and I watched him play. Above is how he thanked me… “The Night Of” was phenomenal again, but what I really like is that “Glee” episode in which there’s a misunderstanding and they sing and everything’s better… Do you like cats? Me neither. Until now.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Careful, Nerds.

Something tells me they’re going to prop a stick under a box and capture everyone who shows up.

By the way, how many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Oh Hell Yeah.

Matthew McConaughey is going to teach a film class at his alma mater, University of Texas, this fall. Lesson one: “At what point in the script do you take your shirt off?”

Eh – he’s one of the best actors ever, and now he wants to bring back “True Detective”, the TV show that made all shows better. (You can see its DNA in the already phenomenal “The Night Of”.) And let’s face it: if Matthew McConaughey comes back, every week we all get an acting lesson. Come on, HBO.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


Yesterday, I watched a guy drive off with the gas nozzle in his tank, but then he returned minutes later and notified the station’s staff. I’d been looking forward to watching the ensuing slow-speed chase on TV, but instead it was like watching a porn in which the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Special Thanks To My Friend Ben.

For reimagining the pic I recently posted as a comedy album.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Every Man’s Castle.

Still haven’t forgiven my parents for not being rich.

Not helping: I spent the other day at a mansion on the strand in Hermosa Beach. I’ve always said a house just isn’t a home without a heated, beachside lagoon.

In the basement, a 14-seat screening room. Jealous? Yes. But it motivated the hell out of me. Let’s all have a kickass week.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Thursday, July 7, 2016

30 Seconds Of June.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

My June was a delight. Here it is, one second per day:

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Petco Park: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

Be advised, ladies: once I show you my Derek Jeter rookie card, foreplay has officially begun.

And with the Yankees in San Diego over the weekend, I couldn’t pass up incredible seats behind the dugout. It was my first time at Petco Park, and it’s a gorgeous, unique stadium. Thoughts:

Bigger accomplishment: winning the Cy Young Award, or downing the enormous frank named after the winner. The Randy Jones half-pound hot dog.

Couple cool things here: 1) Exclusive seats right on top of the visiting bullpen. 2) The brick building in the upper right – the Showley Brothers Candy Factory – had to be picked up and moved 280 feet to make way for the ballpark.

A sandbox with a view. The tyke on the right wasn’t playing well with others, so dad yanked him out of there.

Not exactly a baseball tradition, but it should be: pet adoptions at the stadium.

An anomaly that blows my mind, because I grew up in rain-soaked New York: the organist, and his organ, are outside. Non-related: the Western Metal Supply Co. is a historical landmark, so architects had to start with it and design the park outward. Love that the yellow stripe along the front corner serves as a foul pole.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Open Your Pie Hole.

Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter.

My friends Jason and Sarah completely get it, and threw their first annual 4th of Ju-PIE party yesterday. Above is my contribution – an ice cream pie from Cold Stone – chocolate ice cream, fudge ganache and Reese’s peanut butter cups in an Oreo pie crust. No, I did not bake my own. I wasn’t about to break my streak of not using my new oven. (Two and a half years, and the instruction booklet is still taped to the top rack.)

Here are some of the early entries, or as I referred to them: real-time pie-charts of how much I was going to eat.

I was hoping someone would be brilliant enough to bring a pizza pie, and a hero did just that. I’d never felt so alive.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Just So You Know.

I love everything about the 4th of July. On the other hand, based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by fireworks.