Wednesday, February 14, 2018

To: Every Lady Everywhere. Love: Me.

Me, remembering women like mysterious men: “My favorite color is a secret.”

I like the romance. And I love the Valentine’s Day. So much so, I make it an annual tradition to share ten things about men that women may like to learn:
  1. Titanic is the best movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
  2. Wait at least a year before getting engaged. You haven’t seen his fall wardrobe yet, and it could be a deal breaker. 
  3. Guys are like, “I want a girl that rocks Jordans, plays video games, and watches sports with me.” Yeah, you want a boyfriend, dude. 
  4. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your sister.
  5. A good thing to write on your dating profile: “High risk. High reward.”
  6. Spoiler alert: if a guy friend gives you a teddy bear, it has a camera in it.
  7. If you really want a quality man, focus on pizza delivery guys, because at least you’ll know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
  8. “Let’s hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina” = Friendship
  9. Want our attention? Send us nude pics. Want to piss us off? When we respond, reply: “Oops, wrong person”. 
  10. Always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

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