Home Run Hitter.

I love Tuesday. It’s the director’s cut of Monday.

And Tuesday night, as I pulled into my local gas station, I almost shit when I saw one of my favorite actors, Chris Pratt, filling his tank.

It’s enough that Chris has my dream job, starring in one of the best sitcoms on TV – “Parks and Recreation” – but in the last two years he’s played Scott Hatteberg in Money Ball and a Seal Team member in Zero Dark Thirty, which happen to be my second and third dream jobs. (Professional baseball and killing Bin Laden.)

He was on the phone so I didn’t want to bother him, but as a fellow actor I couldn’t help myself, so I motioned to him that I’m a big fan. He was super appreciative with a big hello.

Class all the way, sir.

A Two-Minute and 51-Second Montage Of Ricky Howling At Ambulances.

It’s Not Easy Being Phony Green.

In my Valentine’s post last year (new one coming in two weeks, ladies), I declared “the boob job is today’s bad toupee.”

In 2013, I’m proclaiming that the fake lawn is today’s boob job. It looks like shit, homeowners. And if you think it’s cutting down on maintenance, I present to you exhibit A: my neighbor’s artificial turf, now sprouting weeds. Worth every penny.

Here in SoCal, the city of Glendale banned artificial grass, because of concerns about its plastic and chemical composition. Feel free to let the kids and dog have at it, neighbor.

A lawn was meant to be mowed, not vacuumed. Rip it up.

Partnering Up With The Wedding Party.

I pretend all the loser friends I hang out with are just Christian Bale in Oscar-nominated roles as the loser friends I hang out with.

But the great friends? Love ‘em. I was honored to be a best man in my friends Bru and Aina’s wedding in the Philippines a few months ago, and now I’m thrilled to be teaming up on a project with them.

I can’t get into specific details yet, but recently we entered a contest and were one of four finalists given money to shoot a commercial. If our idea beats our fellow finalists, the commercial will run locally during the Super Bowl this Sunday.

The final cut was due this morning, so we (mostly Bru and Aina, as I was weighed down by another writing assignment), sprang into action, assembled a cast and crew, found a location and shot it on Saturday. Bru directed it. I was first assistant director. Aina was line-producer. We cast every great actor friend of ours and they really nailed it.

It’s up to the judges now, but it’s our hope that they’ll see it and fall over in love. They’ll be smitten, unwise and undone. They’ll start scribbling out checks before they can stop themselves, begging us for more.

Fingers crossed.

Leader.

If I drive without my seat belt, my SUV beeps at me for five seconds then it gives up on me. I need an SUV that fights harder to save me.

Or, even better, I need my own personal Cory Booker.

Since I last blogged about him, after the amazing job he did as Mayor of Newark following the blizzard (and he thanked me for it!), Cory saved a woman from a house fire (he suffered smoke inhalation and second degree burns in the process), attempted to live on a food budget of $30 per week to shed light on American’s living on food stamps and now via Twitter, has rescued a dog from freezing to death in the single digit temps.

Is there anything he can’t do? Actually, yes: after he received a tweet last year that asked, “Can u sort the pothole outside?” Cory’s replied, “Sir, it looks like you live in Dublin, Ireland. I’ve got 99 problems and your ditch ain’t one.”

I Vote For The SAG Awards, Part II.

Until all reality shows go away, TV is effectively a really cool pool that someone took a dump in.

So it gives me great pride to vote for and reward the casts of scripted television. The rest of my ballot:

Male Actor in a TV Drama. Yes, Jeff Daniels shined me off one week, but the next week he came thisclose to being forced to talk to me. We’ll meet again, sir. Matthew Perry once said acting on an Aaron Sorkin show was like stepping onto a moving train, and no one does it as effortlessly as Jeff Daniels. You get my vote, dude. And my forgiveness.

Female Actor in a TV Drama. The scene in “American Horror Story”  – in which Jessica Lange visits her deceased daughter in the morgue and puts makeup on her – left me so emotional I now have bangs and work at Anthropologie.

Male Actor in a TV Comedy. When Jim Parsons auditioned for the role of Sheldon, Chuck Lorre was so shocked at how much Jim inhabited the role that he thought maybe it was a fluke of some kind, and made the casting director bring Jim back to audition again. It was no fluke. He’s a comic genius. Winner.

Female Actor in a TV Comedy. I met Amy and she was super sweet to me, but that doesn’t factor one bit into how much she deserves to win. She really carries the most consistently funny show on TV, and I was happy my tuition for improv training at Upright Citizens Brigade went partially to her, one of UCB’s founders. She’s the best.

Outstanding Stunt Ensemble on TV. Yep, they do this nutty category for television, too. The action on “Boardwalk Empire” this season built into such a massive war between gangsters that even the shitty vaudeville comedians on the show were watching their asses. The good old days.

Outstanding Cast in a TV Drama. My favorite actor on “Boardwalk Empire” changed weekly, not just because they were all phenomenal, but because the show killed everyone off. Seriously. Actors, just leave your cars running in the studio parking lot if you book a role – you’ll be whacked and back home in your jammies by noon.

Outstanding Cast in a TV Comedy. There are other casts I wish had been nominated, including “Parks and Recreation” and “Happy Endings,” but this is a jam-packed category. (Side note: good for Bobby Cannavale for being nominated as part of both drama and comedy ensemble for “Boardwalk Empire” and “Nurse Jackie.”) I knew I was won over the second I saw the cold opening to the “Modern Family” episode “Express Christmas.” Click here to watch it, and see why I think this scene alone is the definition of a great ensemble cast.

That’s all they asked for, so that’s all I’ve got. Everyone have a kickass weekend, okay? Okay.

I Vote For The SAG Awards, Part I.

Sometimes I really struggle to decide if I should tweet a link to my blog entry, or simply post it as a Facebook status update. And then I remember my relatives died in concentration camps.

Yeah, tough decisions. I had to make one of two of them yesterday, when I cast my ballot for the 2013 SAG Awards. There are 15 categories, so I figured I’d break my results in half and share them today and tomorrow. Up first:

Lead Male in a Film. Bradley Cooper was incredible in Silver Linings Playbook, battling mental illness in a really tricky role. Meanwhile, Daniel Day-Lewis turned down Lincoln many times (Spielberg almost then went with Liam Neeson), and it occurred to me why he didn’t want to do it: when Daniel accepts a role, he goes all in, taking months to inhabit the character, and he didn’t want to play Abe unless he was fully committed in his own self-masochistic way. He wins.

Lead Female in a Film. I’m sure Bin Laden would be thrilled to know a woman was the operative most responsible for him buying it. A guy in Zero Dark Thirty calls Jessica Chastain’s Maya “a killer.” She’s an action hero, brilliant strategist, emotional patriot, and she’s smokin’ hot. Award winner.

Supporting Male in a Film. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is mortified about having to sing, and yet he embraced singing and prancing to a room full of naked women in one crazy scene of The Master. And in another, he and Joaquin Phoenix went head-to-head so intensely that it made me either want to work harder at my craft, or give up on the business.

Supporting Female in a Film. After being married to Mary Todd Lincoln for 23 years, getting your head blown off must feel like sweet relief. And yet, Sally Field gave some depth and kindness to the woman – she was a mother grieving over her lost son. I voted for her. I really, really voted for her.

Outstanding Stunt Ensemble in a Film. Yes, it’s perhaps the weirdest category of any award show, but I’m not one to abstain. Skyfall was one of the best films of the year, loaded with cool action sequences, and… and… wait – Les Misérables nominated for action/stunts? Sorry, Avengers…

Outstanding Cast in a Film. Now this is a category that only the SAG Awards features, and I love it. Let’s honor entire casts as a team. I thought Argo had the most actors with the most range, from Ben Affleck’s stoic coolness to John Goodman and Alan Arkin’s comedy stealing every scene to ease the tension. Argo eff this category.

Male Actor in a TV Movie. There’s a moment in Game Change, after it’s clear that Sarah Palin thinks the Queen of England runs the country and is in charge of the British armed forces, that we can see in Woody Harrelson’s character Steve Schmidt’s eyes that he bet on the wrong horse. He had me at this moment.

Female Actor in a TV Movie. Sarah Palin is so vile that I didn’t even want to watch a scathing depiction of her. But Julianne Moore’s portrayal of the paranoid, phony, uneducated skank was magnetic. Can I vote twice?

Coming tomorrow: more awards. Or, why my TV addiction is tax deductible.

Asya, I Will Knock You Up.

  Whenever I’m feeling content, I remind myself that there are millions of people out there that have it way better than I do.

Even so, there are times when life is basically steady as she goes, and then there are times when the air starts crackling and popping with new developments. I’m happy to report that I’m in one of those latter periods at the moment, as a bunch of new projects are in the works.

 That said, when it all ends I could use a damn vacation, and yesterday I found myself searching Asya Premier Suites, where I spent the last few days of my Philippines trip. What I found was a video shot by the staff in the very villa in which I stayed in: 1601. Click above and see why I am so going back there.

Three-Day Weekend Recap.

Kickass celebrity sighting on Saturday: Stan Lee, in Beverly Hills. Just turned 90, still kicking butt… With time to kill before a casting workshop, I received texts from two different people in New York suffering from the flu, so I went down the street and got my first flu shot ever. Though I must say, I was torn between not wanting the flu and not wanting to be left out… It’s not new, but I’d never seen this: the best “Mayhem” commercial yet… If you still, like me, have an erection lasting 48 hours after a Patriots’ loss, immediately seek a HIGH FIVE.

Eat. Pee. Be Merry.

Ink, named the best new restaurant in LA this past year, also earns best bathroom around, thanks to this pic of Tony Hawk accommodating an autograph seeker while taking a twosie.

Well done.

Pre-Order The Goodness.

Hell yeah sports are important. If it weren’t for the Olympics, I’d never remember that Bruce Jenner was once a man.

And my good friend that I grew up with, sportswriter Rob Weintraub, author of The House that Ruth Built, has written a new book entitled The Victory Season. It’s focuses on the greatest era of baseball, in which players returned to the major leagues after fighting in World War II.

So the way I see it, for the next few minutes you will be doing one of two things: 1) pre-ordering Rob’s book here, or 2) committing a terrible mistake.

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• So, after a nephew discovers his uncle’s gigantic box of porn, does the uncle actually have to throw the box away? Asking for a friend.

• Some say life begins at conception. And here I thought it began at 40.

• Is there any way to eat at Wendy’s and not look suicidal?

• I’m tired of talking this much to a woman I’m not having sex with.

• Some things are funny because they make no sense. And that is not one of them.

• Just once I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where a woman gets a positive and bursts out crying.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 52: A Little Tough Love.

Nothing makes me want to sleep for 12 hours quite like just having slept for 12 hours.

I mean, is there anything better than lounging around without a care in the world? Actually, yes. How about success? Cash. Chicks. A fridge that can turn into a freezer.

After I’ve politely asked you 51 times to bring your butt out here, I’ll assume you have. I’ll assume you take classes, and are auditioning for student films and trying to build your résumé. But are you doing enough? Here’s why I ask:

No one will ever care more about your career more than you.

The problem with acting is that there’s no definitive path to a career. You can officially become a lawyer if you complete three years of school and pass the bar, but we actors can do the bare minimum and still claim to be actors. Years can slip without a single audition and you can still call yourself an actor. Just blame your damn agent for not doing his job.

Of course you really want to be a star. But I believe that wanting something is a passive act, whereas being committed requires consistent action.

Are you just showing up and doing the minimum? Are you networking, interning, promoting yourself, working on your marketing? Are you doing all you can to get acting work? Because if you’re not willing to, many others are.

Are you really motivated? Life goes by fast. Why not spend it doing something you’re truly passionate about? If you’ve been training and pursuing an acting career and are no longer inspired, then find another career you can love where you can be a star. It’s your choice.

But what do I know? My main plan for success is to wait for all the better people to quit first.

LA Temp 36°; Kids Cry.

It’s so cold in Los Angeles, we may not see a celebrity vagina slip for quite some time.

I took the above pic of ice on a street in Burbank at noon yesterday. And it’s official: heaven has frozen over.

Keep It Down Or I’ll Call Someone Really In Charge.

Let’s face it: there’s no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of cops. And Sunday at midnight, there was a serious ruckus of sirens and a police chopper in my neighborhood. It seems some gang-member’s Golden Globe after-party must have gotten out of hand, and he stole a Camry and started a two-hour chase that blew right past my apartment.

That’s him, above, just after he passed my place.

I flipped on my TV and watched the police manage not to bungle this one (way to wait for him to run out of gas, heroes), but it did set Ricky and I on edge late night, or so I thought, until I saw this. Click below – and watch it until the end – from some guys living in Inglewood:

Police Chase

I Review The Golden Globes Arrivals Special.

For some reason, the Golden Globes flew under the radar this past weekend, and late yesterday afternoon I had a moment of slight panic that I’d missed them. Followed by a huge panic attack that I have no life.

Well, for anyone who did miss them, especially the best part – the red carpet interviews – I took chronological notes which I’ve listed below, along with my impressions. No need to thank me – it’s an honor just to be opinionated:

4:21 p.m.: Jennifer Lawrence towers at least a foot over Al Roker. He’s a total fidget.

4:23 p.m.: Flaming douchebag Matt Lauer overcompensates for offending Anne Hathaway recently with this shit: “The beautiful Anne Hathaway is up here now. Anne, I said to Hugh Jackman a short time ago that there are a few really brave roles out there, and yours is one of them.”

4:34 p.m.: Carey Lowell, Richard Gere’s wife, is asked if Richard is nervous about his nomination, or if he’s just zen all the time, to which Richard, not nervous at all, interjected, “I shouldn’t say this, but I feel like an old hooker. ‘Next.’”

4:37 p.m.: Adele makes Al Roker look so much like a little person that I have to google his height. 5’8”? No way.

4:41 p.m.: Denzel Washington says he researched his alcoholic character from Flight by searching the word “drunks” on YouTube. His favorite is this guy struggling to put on his flip flop.

4:47 p.m.: Thought: those must have been some tiny, tiny pants that Al Roker pooped at the White House.

4:53 p.m.: Natalie Morales asks Sophia Vergara, who’s in the sequel to Machete, about the “exciting cast, which includes Mel Gibson!” Here’s praying Mel gets whacked before the end of the opening credits.

Trust Me, Baby.

I like my women like I like my “I like my women” jokes: old and easy.

I’m kidding. No, seriously. And if you don’t believe me, you should. You see, a study conducted by Charles University in Prague has concluded that brown-eyed men are considered more trustworthy than blue-eyed dudes.

Apology accepted. I could never stay mad at you. Believe me.

This Is How It’s Done.

Yesterday began rather rotten. Ben Affleck, who directed the amazing Argo, didn’t get an Oscar nomination. And all I could think was, “It’s okay, Ben. You still have a month left to make it into the Oscars’ ‘In Memoriam’ video.”

But then evening came, and Ben won best director at the Critics’ Choice Awards, and just nailed his acceptance speech:

“I would like to thank the Academy. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. This is the one that counts. No, I do want to thank the Broadcast Film Critics Association. It is very, very cool for me. There was a time when the Ben Affleck’s Critics’ Award was a ‘Saturday Night Live’ sketch.

“This is about Tony Mendez, who did this actual, real thing. He was in the CIA, he won the intelligence star, he’s an American hero. He’s emblematic of the men and women who serve in our clandestine service and the men and women who are in our foreign service, both of whom make tremendous sacrifice day in and day out.”

Real Los Angeles Heroes.

Here’s to you, passed out Mexican day laborers.

You aren’t the first muchachos to take a break from your rigorous schedule of standing and waiting (here’s your cousin), and it appears you won’t be the last.

You’re not “lazy,” you’re “well-rested.”

Kudos for expanding the definition of “heavy lifting” to include your eyelids.

So enjoy the siesta, gentlemen. My bedroom set will lift itself.

My Ten Favorite Movies Of 2012.

Put a jar next to your computer, and put a dollar in the jar every time I mention here how much I love movies. You could put a kid through college that way.

On the eve of the Academy Award nominations, I offer up my own top ten from the past year, in order:

1) Django: Unchained. Best film of the year. Adam Corolla nailed it on his podcast the other day: “If Scorcese, Spielberg and Tarantino all had movies premiering on the same night, I’d choose to see Tarantino’s, because it’s guaranteed to be the most fun.” And: “I would have paid three times the price to see this, because I got the entertainment of three movies.”

2) Argo. Three of my favorite movies this year are based on true stories, which kinda makes sense; the fact that Argo really happened ramps up the tension that much more, and makes it all the more fascinating. Ben Affleck kept it as accurate as he could – during the closing credits, the actors’ photos were paired up with the real people they played, and it was amazing to see how much they looked alike.

3) Looper. Best sci-fi flick of the year, and the most original one in a couple decades. It’s Blade Runner meets The Terminator. It’s so cool and complex, you may want to go back and see it twice. More of this in 2013, please.

4) Silver Linings Playbook. Bradley Cooper in two of the best films of the year? Heck yeah. If you’ve ever had your heart broken or wanted to beat the living shit out of someone (or both), have I got a recommendation for you.

5) The Words. Two of Bradley Cooper’s friends from Philly wrote this back in the 90s (long before he was famous), and made him promise to star in it if it ever was produced. He kept his promise. I still can’t figure out why this film came and went so fast that I wound up seeing it on a plane three months after it premiered. It’s a classic.

6) Celeste and Jesse Forever. Best comedy of the year. Best soundtrack of the year. Not based on a true story, but for anyone who’s ever had his/her heart broken, it may as well have been.

7) Bernie. There’s no justification for shooting a woman in the back four times with a .22 rifle, but this movie comes awfully close. Shirley MacLaine is a little too good at playing a bitch, if you know what I mean.

8) Moonrise Kingdom. I love Wes Anderson, though some find his films to be an acquired taste. This film, however, is in rarified air: on Rotten Tomatoes, it received a score of 98%. I realized at the end of it that I’d been laughing nonstop for 90 minutes.

9) Searching For Sugar Man. Documentaries have their own Oscar category, but this one could easily compete for best picture. It does what a great documentary should: present a fascinating mystery that sets up a huge revelation, in this case about Detroit musician Rodriguez. And it gives hope to every artist who struggles to make it.

10) Zero Dark Thirty. First we follow the CIA operatives who painstakingly researched intelligence, tortured prisoners and survived suicide-bombing attacks to track down Bin Laden. Then we get to see Seal Team Six do their thing. It opens this Friday, and when it does, every American will get a hardon (or nipple hardon, ladies) when they see it. Also, I was going to say Jessica Chastain is the next Meryl Streep, but (and this is blasphemous for an actor say) she quite possibly could be better than Meryl Streep.

Bring ‘Em On.

As you know, I don't read books because they’re heavy. But I do love me some movies.

And now is one of my favorite times of the year – when I start receiving screeners. Not that this is common practice. Studios giving away their best movies for free? You’ll see more unicorns.

But it’s awards season, and I’m a voting member of SAG, so here come the films. The formats have changed a bit this time (three were sent as DVDs, the rest I can see using free passes at theaters, or download using a special code on iTunes.)

I’ve managed to see all the major features at this point, which is great because this Thursday the Oscar nominees will be announced, and I like to list my favorite movies the day before. Drop by tomorrow and I’ll whip up a list. I’d like to think it makes for some good reading. Better than any book.

Weekend Recap.

Good gift-giving tip: Ricky, can destroy any toy imaginable in less than 30 seconds, but if you go ginormous, as was the case with my niece and nephew, the gift may live to see a second day… Saw Los Angeles Laker Steve Blake outside a restaurant with his kids. Steve won a national championship for my alma mater, Maryland, and I geeked-out and literally told him I loved him. I just happened to be wearing a Maryland sweatshirt at the time, and he really liked that... Saw Zero Dark Thirty, and it is tense and amazing. Definitely a top tenner of the year… Oh, and it looks like both of us got something novelty-sized to munch on:

Holiday Leftover.

On my flight home, as I sat behind a guy who didn’t speak a lick of English and wore a “Viet Nam Vet” cap, I couldn’t help but be convinced this dude fought for the other side.

2012 Deaths That Sucked.

Life sure does go by quickly. Sometimes to save time I throw my bananas out at the grocery store.

This is my annual blog where I talk about the actors who died this past year, and if there’s one thing I like, it’s talking about actors. You should get comfortable.

Adam Yauch. Because he was such a brilliant guy in so many ways, everybody was bummed when he passed away. (I loathe the Mets, but it was awesome that every hitter in their lineup used Beastie Boys songs as their walk-up music the day after Adam died.) Also super impressive: Adam founded the film production company that distributed the great documentary Exit Through the Giftshop.

Andy Griffith. Comedian Dana Gould summed it up much better than I can: “Not long into the first season of ‘The Andy Griffith Show,’ Andy realized that, with super funny Don Knotts at his side, Sheriff Taylor was now the straight man. Instead of panicking and firing everyone and revamping the show to soothe his ego, Andy relaxed into the role and allowed Don Knotts to get all the laughs, wisely realizing that what mattered was how funny the show itself was, not just his performance.”

Richard Dawson. Besides hosting “Family Feud” for ten years, he was a regular on “Hogan’s Heroes,” his first film was The Longest Day and his last was The Running Man. That is a damn good career.

Ernest Borgnine. He won an Oscar in 1955, and then worked nonstop (including doing a voice on “Spongebob Squarepants” for ten years), all the way until he died. And it was surprising when he did die, because even in his 90s he was the craziest, most energetic guy. Here he is at 91 sharing his secret to long life.

Sherman Hemsley. I watched an interview with him in which he explained the famous George Jefferson strut from “The Jeffersons” opening credits. He said that growing up in Philly, because he was undersized, that was the way he walked through tough neighborhoods. The day he shot the opening credits, he was so excited to have his own TV show that he strutted during one take. That was the take they used, and it became his thing.

Michael Clarke Duncan. He didn’t start getting acting jobs until he was 38, and then started doing five films a year. He could do anything – comedy, drama and action, and he landed himself an Oscar nomination. Good thing he loved acting, because even though he was 6’5”, 315 lbs., his mother never let him play football.

Larry Hagman. My friend Jeff sent me this amazing first-hand account of Larry, who apparently was the nicest man ever.

Jack Klugman. To me, he’s a god for his work on “The Odd Couple,” and I loved that he became best friends with Tony Randall in real life. Also cool: my older cousin’s wife kept Jack’s books for many years, and she really liked him.

Charles Durning. Before he died last week, Charles was the most decorated war veteran alive. As for his acting, I’ve always loved this scene with Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, when Charles’ character, pissed that he’d fallen for Dorothy Michaels and not realized she was Hoffman in drag, says, “I’m seeing a really nice woman now. Think I didn’t check her out?”

The Tenth, Eleventh And Twelfth Best Films Of The Year.

If I hear one more person say they’re afraid to see a Quentin Tarantino movie because it’s too violent, I’m going to punt a small child. Django: Unchained is gripping and really hilarious and a fearless look at racism and the horrors of slavery. It’s not just the tenth best film of the year – it’s the best film of the year.

Imagine coming face to face with yourself from the future. I did once, and it turns out I wind up playing bass in the Viagra roadhouse band. Looper came out on DVD on Monday, and it’s the most original sci-fi flick since Blade Runner. It’s written and directed by Rian Johnson, who wrote and directed Brick, one of my favorite films of all time, so it’s no surprise it’s just cool as shit.

I watched The Words on my flight back from New York the other day, and thought it was a beautiful, tragic, romantic drama. Why the hell wasn’t I made aware of it sooner? Apologies, guys.

Happy New Year.

Well it’s the new year, and you know what I always say: new year, new toothbrush.

On the first day of 2012, I got a new puppy, and on the last day, a new laptop. (I love both these children equally.) Sandwiched in between those stellar days was by far my favorite year ever: I had my best auditions ever, booked a couple of big roles, made the most money I’ve ever earned, took my favorite trip of all time – to Manilla and Boracay – and ate many of great meals at the coolest new restaurants in LA with some really close, supportive friends.

But I can do even better this year. More roles, more trips, more of everything. And along the way I will get my money’s worth out of the new laptop and blog the shit out of it.

Happy 2013 to one and all. Let’s make it a good one.

Please Stop Reading So Loudly.

A kickass year merits a world-class hangover. It was one year ago today that I brought Ricky home for the first time – the perfect kickoff to my favorite year ever. I’ll let Rick sleep this off before hitting him with a barrage of anniversary kisses.