Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Because I Don’t Tell You I Love You Nearly Enough, Ladies.

I really want to give all women something fancy today, like bring you breakfast in bed or beat the shit out of Chris Brown. But instead, I offer my annual list of ten things I think you should know about men. A hos before bros, if you will:
  1. You just gotta wait your turn. He’s out there. He’s just learning what to contrast you against.
  2. On the other hand, many of you wonder “Why can’t I find a nice guy?!” Then when you tell me you found a boyfriend, let me guess: already married cat-strangler.
  3. Those of you who plucked your eyebrows to the point in which they now have to be drawn on – who hurt you?
  4. Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
  5. If you’re in a massive dating slump because you believe guys only want you for intercourse, well maybe you’re in that slump because you keep using the word “intercourse.”
  6. He’s just agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. By the way, I agree with you too – especially in those pants.
  7. The boob job is today’s bad toupee.
  8. Men really want what they can’t have. If you need a guideline, take a serious look at the McRib marketing plan.
  9. Men smell, they’re hairy, they drink, they lie, they’re lazy and they’re rude. On the other hand, is there anything better than a woman? Actually, yes: two women. And that, ladies, is the reason why we like lesbians so much.
  10. What makes a guy get bored in a relationship? That’s an excellent question, and the answer is: questions like that.

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