A Word About Tomorrow’s Post.

My blog. Because my sitcom scripts aren’t just going to ignore themselves.

But there is, however, one day each year that makes it all worthwhile. My favorite day. I love creating my Valentine’s Day post, in which I try to educate the ladies about ten things they may not know about guys. I take my time and craft them, and am really proud of the results.

So if you read one entry all year, make it tomorrow. You gals (and guys) may actually learn something. And if by some chance you’re just now realizing that Valentine’s day is right around the corner, don’t worry – so is Walmart.

A Valentine’s Gift To All My Ladies.

If we’re supposed to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day, I am totally avoiding Presidents’ Day.

As is tradition, every Valentine’s Day I let women take a gander into the minds of men, with ten things we guys are thinking:

1. WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you. MAN: Women are so mysterious. 
2. If you have a crush on a guy, try spending time with him, and you’ll usually get over it. 
3. Date a Patriots fan, because he won’t mind if you cheat. 
4. It’s simple – just try to meet a nice boy who has never considered becoming a DJ. 
5. New sexual fantasy: I take your hand, lead you to the bed, and whisper, “I want you to nap for as long as you like.” 
6. The size of a woman’s bag is directly proportional to how crazy she is. 
7. Baby, if we could write a Yelp review of your face: “Good, quality face. Would look again.” 
8. Don’t cry because it’s over– smile, because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies. 
9. Your biggest challenge in the relationship: proving to be more interesting than our smartphones.
10. Winning a fight with your boyfriend is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited.

Because I’m In Love With You, Ladies.

I got all my guy friends condoms and Bibles for Valentine’s Day, because I’m praying they get laid.

But for the women, I offer up ten things they may not know about men. This is straight from my heart to you, baby girls:

1. Men are like dogs. There’s always one who loves you for you, and there’s also always one who just peed in an inappropriate place.
2. A nice butt is not crucial for a good relationship. But it helps. 
3. Make all your passwords your ex-boyfriends’ names, just to make sure you forget them. 
4. Relationships are mostly men apologizing for saying something hilarious. 
5. Any woman who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl drunk texts us at 3 a.m. 
6. Married couples draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top. 
7. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant squids, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates. 
8.  You know, you’re right – we really should treat you like a princess – isolated, scrutinized, and doomed to a loveless marriage. 
9. We really just want to meet a woman the old fashioned way: while being exchanged for livestock. 
10. You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage. Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Feel The Love, Ladies.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which can be a little heavy for the single folks. But whenever you feel really alone, remember: you’re part of the biggest, most reliable 4G network in the country.

As is tradition, I like to post ten things that will enlighten women about men – this time a day early before the whammy of a three-day Valentine’s weekend:

1. If you’re checking Twitter while he looks to see if he has a condom, definitely insist on the condom. 
2. See a guy you like? A good pickup line is “I have a phone charger.” 
3. Here’s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex: 1) He does. 
4. Guaranteed money maker: a cleaning service employed by men who think a hot girl is coming over in 20 minutes. 
5. We can tell by your intricate Starbucks order that you insist on putting a towel down before making love. 
6. “Downton Abbey” in the streets, “Game of Thrones” in the sheets. 
7. Feel free to cut your hair short. It’s a great way of announcing your support of gay marriage. 
8. When we text you at 2 a.m., it’s obviously because we have a deep spiritual question and want to talk about our feelings. 
9. “Is this what caring about sports feels like?!” is a fun thing to yell during sex. 
10. If you only knew of the horrors we have imagined to prevent premature ejaculation. We’ve seen things. Horrible, horrible things.

This One Goes Out To My One True Love: The Ladies.

This much I know about you married types: “Date night!” = “Our relationship died a year ago!”

But you’re not my demo. I’m here to enlighten the single women, with my annual Valentine’s Day gift: ten things that’ll help you better understand us guys.

1. Ladies, I know you want to make it special tonight, but be careful – glitter is really hard to get out of your vagina. 
2. A soul patch is a “check engine” light for dudes. 
3. Your friend didn’t find her soulmate. She just found someone geographically accessible who also puts chips on his sandwich. 
4. The maximum number of pillows on a bed should be six to ten. 
5. When a girl begins a sentence with “honestly,” we buckle up for the bitch ride of our lives. 
6. Sorry you can’t go on a date with us because you’re still angry about this different guy who lied to you once. 
7. “How To Win Him Back In 10 Easy Steps!” Steps 1-10: don’t. 
8. Only your girlfriends like your bangs. 
9. Don’t listen to anything your ex-boyfriend says. He is always wrong. Unless he says you’re spectacular and give good head. Then he’s right. 
10. Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day, he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have needlessly sacrificed a goat.

All The Single Ladies.

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and for all the women currently in-between relationships, there are two options for entertainment this weekend: 1) See that new flick in which Jessica Biel’s character can’t get laid (best science fiction since Blade Runner), or 2) Bone up on your knowledge of the lesser sex with this, my Valentine’s gift to you: ten things you should know about men:

1. Men treat women the way they want to be treated in return. A quick replay of all the guys you’ve gone out with will confirm this.
2. If we don’t call you, it’s because we’re not interested. There’s never another reason.
3. A Volkswagen Beetle says “I’m crazy! Look at me!” Get the Jetta.
4. All we want is for you to be cool. Here’s an example of NOT cool: I used to work with a non-Jewish chick who seemed to have a crush on me. One day she told me that Jewish guys always really dug her, well, “except for you, Matt.” Any chance of winning me over was finished. Don’t backhandedly nag us – just chill.
5. A woman in a ballcap – hell yes.
6. If we’re fooling around, and it’s going too fast, never use a phrase like “easy there, tiger.” (Or “cowboy.”) You couldn’t look like a bigger prude, or a bigger dork. Simply pull our hand away and tell us “not yet.”
7. Let’s be honest – if all of the people in bad marriages had the guts to end them, the divorce rate would be about 90%. Relax. Date. Have fun. Find a guy you really like who can’t get enough of you. In the meantime, pity the 90%.
8. Scents that drive us crazy: vanilla and pink grapefruit.
9. We love fake breasts, but we won’t necessarily fall in love with the women who get them.
10. How do you win any argument with us? Cry.

A Valentine’s Gift To All My Current Girlfriends.

Live it up, men. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to meet vulnerable women – it’s scumbag Christmas!

All men except me, ladies. I’m a lover. And for you, I present my annual list of ten things I think you should know about men:

1. The best way to prove to an ex that you don’t think about him anymore is not by writing and producing a song saying so. 
2. Belly piercings are a dynamite way to let everyone know you hate your dad. 
3. Dudes who make a habit of saying “bros before hoes” usually have neither. 
4. Whenever I hear an uninteresting 80-year-old woman tell an uninteresting story, I think, “Wow, she must have been really hot.” 
5. To save time, break up with John Mayer without ever dating him. 
6. When a guy tells another guy he got engaged, it leads to, at most, 30 seconds of conversation. 
7. Don’t worry if you haven’t gotten that diamond you were hoping for today – it’s still in a Sierra Leonean’s butt. 
8. Ink is way sexy to us, but keep in mind: one day nursing homes will be full of former hotties trying to remember what their tattoos mean. 
9. The man you have a crush on will either like you or not, but never knowing will haunt you forever. 
10. You can’t ruin a friendship with sex – that’s like ruining ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

To: Every Lady Everywhere. Love: Me.

Me, remembering women like mysterious men: “My favorite color is a secret.”

I like the romance. And I love the Valentine’s Day. So much so, I make it an annual tradition to share ten things about men that women may like to learn:

1. Titanic is the best movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
2. Wait at least a year before getting engaged. You haven’t seen his fall wardrobe yet, and it could be a deal breaker. 
3. Guys are like, “I want a girl that rocks Jordans, plays video games, and watches sports with me.” Yeah, you want a boyfriend, dude. 
4. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your sister.
5. A good thing to write on your dating profile: “High risk. High reward.”
6. Spoiler alert: if a guy friend gives you a teddy bear, it has a camera in it.
7. If you really want a quality man, focus on pizza delivery guys, because at least you’ll know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
8. “Let’s hang out non-stop until one of us finds a penis or vagina” = Friendship
9. Want our attention? Send us nude pics. Want to piss us off? When we respond, reply: “Oops, wrong person”. 
10. Always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man’s life.

I Dedicate This To My One True Love: The Ladies.

Last Valentine's Day, I blogged about ten things single women should know about men. This year, I’m targeting all ladies everywhere. My friend Jeff calls it the Tao of Shevin – kind of a Whitman’s Sampler of things I think women should know about men. (And hopefully not a pink, cream filling in the bunch):

1. If you’re taken, just let us know. I met a woman in NY a while back and emailed her, asking if she had grown up there. Her reply: “No, I'm from Pennsylvania originally, but my boyfriend is from here, born and raised. Hope you're well.” Bing, bang, boom. That’s how it’s done.
2. And if you already have a boyfriend, make sure when we meet him that he’s a relatively good-looking, cool guy. It’s a million times worse if he’s not.
3. Three words about your previous relationship: I’m not him.
4. A woman I was dating once said to me, “I hate that you watch so much sports, but I would never date a guy that didn’t.” And it made total sense.
5. Flats suck.
6. We’re all convinced you will eventually become your mother. So instead of introducing her to us, keep that crazy bitch under lock and key.
7. My friend Brigg was set up on a blind date, and even though the woman was his type (tall, pretty blonde), he was turned off, because it was painfully obvious she was trolling for a husband. Everything Brigg said to her was the most interesting or funniest thing she’d ever heard, and she stared right in his face with her crazy eyes and let him know. In college we called it “majoring in MRS.” Don’t be that woman.
8. Bummed the woman next to you at work got flowers and you didn’t? Don’t be. Guys who send flowers to the office are just pissing on their territory, warning all male coworkers. A dozen red roses? More like a dozen red flags. Dating Jealous Guy never ends well.
9. You’re smarter than us, stronger than us and within six months you’ll be just fine without us.
10. If you're gonna be a crazy nag who drinks white wine, you’d better be a Real Housewife of somewhere.

For All My Wives. And My Girlfriends.

Every Valentine’s Day, I like to list ten things I think women should know about men. But it’s mainly geared to all you single ladies, so married chicks, here’s one for you: to keep things interesting in the bedroom, try bringing in a second laptop.

Back to those of you temporarily in-between dudes. I love you, and I’ve been thinking about you. Here are my thoughts this year:

1. Yes, men are weird. Want us to lick your crotch? Sure! Want us to come to the farmer’s market with you? Aw, MANNN... 
2. If you’re on a date and reading this, it’s probs not going well. 
3. Let me simplify this: have sex with us every night unless we say not to. 
4. Never reveal to us how many cats you have. 
5. A flight attendant in the streets, a TSA agent in the sheets. 
6. “If only she had a more expensive purse, THEN she’d be hot.” – no guy ever. 
7. We can’t wait for you to go to the bathroom so we can check our phones. 
8. Women on Facebook who quote “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best” are usually always at their worst. 
9. We don’t fantasize about sleeping with your sister. But we do fantasize about hitting her with our car. 
10. We try to hide the flash of disappointment in our faces when you tell us you have a great relationship with your dad.

Because I’m In Love With You, Ladies.

When a female doctor first told me I was a “mansplainer,” I had a lot of answers.

I do not profess to be an expert, but I do like to enlighten women on Valentine’s Day, with ten things that give them a glimpse inside our tiny man brains. This is by far my favorite post every year.

1. YOU: I like you. HIM: That doesn’t work for me. YOU: I hate you. HIM: You. I’m going to focus on you. 
2. If you ever have your heart broken, consider me your guardian angel – I’ll take away your phone, and leave you alcohol and possibly your first puppy.
3. We’re mostly looking for very tall girlfriends to reach the cookies. Or very small girlfriends we can lift up to get the cookies. 
4. A mattress will double in weight after six years. So will every guy you sleep with. 
5. Hide bubble wrap in your bra for hilarious hugs. 
6. Instead of going to couple’s therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with. 
7. If you want to leave a note on your ex-boyfriend’s car saying you still love him, make sure it doesn’t go unnoticed – key it into the door pretty deep. 
8. Yeah breakups hurt, but have you ever forwarded a friend a tweet about your sports team and he replies back “I already saw this”? 
9. Goal in your next relationship: sex so good, your Fitbit gives you a trophy. 
10. Guys who work and play hard are fine, but find a dude too lazy to cheat on you.