Because I’m In Love With You, Ladies.

I got all my guy friends condoms and Bibles for Valentine’s Day, because I’m praying they get laid.

But for the women, I offer up ten things they may not know about men. This is straight from my heart to you, baby girls:

1. Men are like dogs. There’s always one who loves you for you, and there’s also always one who just peed in an inappropriate place.
2. A nice butt is not crucial for a good relationship. But it helps. 
3. Make all your passwords your ex-boyfriends’ names, just to make sure you forget them. 
4. Relationships are mostly men apologizing for saying something hilarious. 
5. Any woman who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl drunk texts us at 3 a.m. 
6. Married couples draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top. 
7. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant squids, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates. 
8.  You know, you’re right – we really should treat you like a princess – isolated, scrutinized, and doomed to a loveless marriage. 
9. We really just want to meet a woman the old fashioned way: while being exchanged for livestock. 
10. You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage. Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.