Friday, February 14, 2020

Because I’m In Love With You, Ladies.

When a female doctor first told me I was a “mansplainer,” I had a lot of answers.

I do not profess to be an expert, but I do like to enlighten women on Valentine’s Day, with ten things that give them a glimpse inside our tiny man brains. This is by far my favorite post every year.

  1. YOU: I like you. HIM: That doesn’t work for me. YOU: I hate you. HIM: You. I’m going to focus on you. 
  2. If you ever have your heart broken, consider me your guardian angel – I’ll take away your phone, and leave you alcohol and possibly your first puppy.
  3. We’re mostly looking for very tall girlfriends to reach the cookies. Or very small girlfriends we can lift up to get the cookies. 
  4. A mattress will double in weight after six years. So will every guy you sleep with. 
  5. Hide bubble wrap in your bra for hilarious hugs. 
  6. Instead of going to couple’s therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with. 
  7. If you want to leave a note on your ex-boyfriend’s car saying you still love him, make sure it doesn’t go unnoticed – key it into the door pretty deep. 
  8. Yeah breakups hurt, but have you ever forwarded a friend a tweet about your sports team and he replies back “I already saw this”? 
  9. Goal in your next relationship: sex so good, your Fitbit gives you a trophy. 
  10. Guys who work and play hard are fine, but find a dude too lazy to cheat on you.