All The Single Ladies.

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and for all the women currently in-between relationships, there are two options for entertainment this weekend: 1) See that new flick in which Jessica Biel’s character can’t get laid (best science fiction since Blade Runner), or 2) Bone up on your knowledge of the lesser sex with this, my Valentine’s gift to you: ten things you should know about men:

1. Men treat women the way they want to be treated in return. A quick replay of all the guys you’ve gone out with will confirm this.
2. If we don’t call you, it’s because we’re not interested. There’s never another reason.
3. A Volkswagen Beetle says “I’m crazy! Look at me!” Get the Jetta.
4. All we want is for you to be cool. Here’s an example of NOT cool: I used to work with a non-Jewish chick who seemed to have a crush on me. One day she told me that Jewish guys always really dug her, well, “except for you, Matt.” Any chance of winning me over was finished. Don’t backhandedly nag us – just chill.
5. A woman in a ballcap – hell yes.
6. If we’re fooling around, and it’s going too fast, never use a phrase like “easy there, tiger.” (Or “cowboy.”) You couldn’t look like a bigger prude, or a bigger dork. Simply pull our hand away and tell us “not yet.”
7. Let’s be honest – if all of the people in bad marriages had the guts to end them, the divorce rate would be about 90%. Relax. Date. Have fun. Find a guy you really like who can’t get enough of you. In the meantime, pity the 90%.
8. Scents that drive us crazy: vanilla and pink grapefruit.
9. We love fake breasts, but we won’t necessarily fall in love with the women who get them.
10. How do you win any argument with us? Cry.