Thursday, February 12, 2015

For All My Wives. And My Girlfriends.

Every Valentine’s Day, I like to list ten things I think women should know about men. But it’s mainly geared to all you single ladies, so married chicks, here’s one for you: to keep things interesting in the bedroom, try bringing in a second laptop.

Back to those of you temporarily in-between dudes. I love you, and I’ve been thinking about you. Here are my thoughts this year:
  1. Yes, men are weird. Want us to lick your crotch? Sure! Want us to come to the farmer’s market with you? Aw, MANNN... 
  2. If you’re on a date and reading this, it’s probs not going well. 
  3. Let me simplify this: have sex with us every night unless we say not to. 
  4. Never reveal to us how many cats you have. 
  5. A flight attendant in the streets, a TSA agent in the sheets. 
  6. “If only she had a more expensive purse, THEN she’d be hot.” – no guy ever. 
  7. We can’t wait for you to go to the bathroom so we can check our phones. 
  8. Women on Facebook who quote “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best” are usually always at their worst. 
  9. We don’t fantasize about sleeping with your sister. But we do fantasize about hitting her with our car. 
  10. We try to hide the flash of disappointment in our faces when you tell us you have a great relationship with your dad.

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