Thursday, February 11, 2016

This One Goes Out To My One True Love: The Ladies.

This much I know about you married types: “Date night!” = “Our relationship died a year ago!”

But you’re not my demo. I’m here to enlighten the single women, with my annual Valentine’s Day gift: ten things that’ll help you better understand us guys.
  1. Ladies, I know you want to make it special tonight, but be careful – glitter is really hard to get out of your vagina. 
  2. A soul patch is a “check engine” light for dudes. 
  3. Your friend didn’t find her soulmate. She just found someone geographically accessible who also puts chips on his sandwich. 
  4. The maximum number of pillows on a bed should be six to ten. 
  5. When a girl begins a sentence with “honestly,” we buckle up for the bitch ride of our lives. 
  6. Sorry you can’t go on a date with us because you’re still angry about this different guy who lied to you once. 
  7. “How To Win Him Back In 10 Easy Steps!” Steps 1-10: don’t. 
  8. Only your girlfriends like your bangs. 
  9. Don’t listen to anything your ex-boyfriend says. He is always wrong. Unless he says you’re spectacular and give good head. Then he’s right. 
  10. Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day, he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have needlessly sacrificed a goat.

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