The Tie That Binds.

Whether you’re a beatnik, a nanny or a sassy neighbor chick from a 70s sitcom, nobody likes the Los Angeles DMV.

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• As a kid, I spent my summers mowing lawns. And hornets nests. But mostly lawns.

• You’re fast becoming one of my favorite casting directors. Or at least my favorite Armenian one.

• I must say – having someone autograph their left butt cheek is never a good idea. I found that out the hard way with Chris Brown.

• You don’t need to worry what foreigners think about you – that’s your birthright as an American.

• If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I’d get free cable for life, I’d do it.

• I never make assumptions about race. I once asked a black guy if he had seen Sideways.

My 1300th Entry.

When I launched this blog, many of the site names I wanted to use were already snatched up by other actors with a similar idea: post daily about pursuing acting and living in Los Angeles. But as I clicked through them, every single one had given up after just a few entries.

And to those “dedicated” actors I ask: why should I believe you’re serious about your craft? Because you wrote three more entries about it than my dog did?

As is tradition, whenever I hit a round number on here I like to select my five favorites from my last batch of 100. Here you go:

Day 6: Stew Leonard’s: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. I am not kidding when I say I finally this week lost the weight from this shopping trip. Put on an adult-size bib and break bread with me here.

My Christmas Gift To Me. Seven months of heartbreak end with a puppy born on Thanksgiving. Tiny Pit-Bull-size kisses here.

Oh For F’s Sake. He kills repeatedly, and the biggest tragedy I can find is fashion-related. Meet me at Goodwill here.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 37: What Brown Can’t Do For You. I’d like to incorporate a lesson into the end of every entry, like the end of every episode of “Full House.” Hug it out, here.

Because I Don’t Tell You I Love You Nearly Enough, Ladies. If I ever wanted to enlighten guys instead, I’d simply say this: ask your female friends what they hate about men, and then don’t do those things. Women, take fastidious notes here.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 40: They Don’t Call It “Show Art.”

I pride myself on being proactive, especially since it wasn’t ingrained early on. My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

I received this question from a guy named Ryan: “I saw a job posting for working with an agent, doing clerical work. As an actor would this be a beneficial job? And what are your thoughts on it?”

Tricky one. I’ve never heard about actors working for agents. I do, however, know actors who have interned for casting directors and have gotten a lot out of it.

Attitude is the key to a casting internship. Chances are you won’t get to audition for anything they cast, but you can learn so much from just observing others auditioning. You’ll see the whole gamut, from nervous messes to needy hacks to name stars that bomb. (And you’ll understand why many A-listers prefer to “take meetings” rather than audition.) And you’ll see the one actor in each session who comes in and just hits it out of the park – and you’ll instantly became a better actor just from watching it.

Sitting in on auditions, or even better, being asked to be the scene reader for actors in them, is the major reason why an internship is a good idea. But if you find yourself doing no more than changing the tanks on their water coolers, kindly quit that bullshit immediately. You’re an actor, not their lackey. If they ever refer to you as simply “the assistant,” you walk. Being under-appreciated is my my third biggest phobia behind death and drag queens with no makeup.

Now, about working for an agent – that’s a bird of a very different feather. I’m not sure how it would be beneficial, unless they want to pay you, which would be a terrific day-job because it’s at least showbiz related.

Auditioning is our bread and butter, and that’s what you gun for. If you’re spending several hours in your busy week to learn our most important skill for free by helping out a casting office, then you’re looking at a big batch of pro-activity, professor. Hope that helped.

Nice Trophy.

On the right, my friend John Hunter proudly poses with the Oscar for the film he composed, The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.

Someday, I plan on getting one of those for myself, and then abusing my liver so profoundly that Sarah MacLachlan will shoot a PSA for it.

Weekend Recap.

I went to take out my trash, opened up the garbage can and was greeted by a possum. I literally jumped out of my flip-flops. Then I put the can in the back of my SUV, drove over to a park and shook him out of it. He was kinda pissed… After I shiv the guy whose mutt bit my puppy at the dog park, add the lobster-roll appetizer at Son of Gun to the menu of my last meal… ESPN showed an old clip from CBS’s pregame football show with Irv Cross. I miss when black dudes had parts in their afros… Hey Time Warner: if your Internet goes down during LA rainstorms what are you supposed to do? Go to the library like a common masturbator?

And You Can Only See This Film...

…if you’ve mastered time travel.

Real Casting Notices I’ve Seen This Week.

• Do your friends call you a wannabe Snookie? Or r u hotter than The Situation? Do you wear sunglasses at night? Do you go thru a bottle of hair gel a week? Do you GTL to the extreme? Are you orange?

• Producer of Cannabis Reality Show is Auditioning Models and Actress's for Roles and Modeling gigs in the Local Area

• An uber-Jew. He's a producer with lots of smarts, lots of sarcasm and a big curly Jew-fro certainly wouldn't hurt.

• ARE YOU MARRIED? $500 EASY MONEY!!!!! MUST BE MARRIED ONE SPOUSE MUST HAVE AN EXTREME BIZARRE EATING HABIT FREAKY EATER

• And, for a refreshing change, here’s one kickass one: Male. Scene with Alan Arkin. A few lines.

Class Of 2012.

Ricky graduated from puppy training last night, and before you scoff at his accomplishment, keep in mind it’s still more respectable than graduating from Penn State.

Okay son, now that you've got your degree, time to get a job. You ain’t living on my couch all summer.

The Fantastic Flying Books Of Mr. Morris Lessmore.

Show business is still a business. There are obstacles and challenges and a chain of command, but in the end, all we want is a little appreciation for our work. (Please, stop me before this blog turns into a Dilbert comic strip.)

One of my best friends, John Hunter, composed the music for the film I wrote, produced and starred in. It was brilliant. Last month, his latest film won the Oscar for best animated short. Click above and see it in its entirety. Pretty amazing.

You’re My Demented Boy, Blue.

Yesterday, the LA Times printed the names of the top finishers from Sunday’s LA Marathon.

Can we assume there’s a 95-year-old guy with Alzheimer’s who didn’t realize it was the finish line?

Weekend Recap.

What was expected to be three days of rain here became half a day of rain. LA is the greatest… Actually, even the half day of wind and rain was appropriately Irish for St. Pat’s. By the way, is there any better drink name than Irish Car Bomb?… Baseball pitcher Andy Pettitte, who retired two seasons ago to spend more time with his family, decided to unretire. It’s a huge win for us Yankee fans, and further proof that marriage really sucks shit… To the dude at my gym who was leg-pressing 990 lbs.: you can’t slap on two more fives and make it an even 1000, you pussy?... To the table of women at Sushi Yuzu who couldn’t hold their liquor and were causing a ruckus: if I were your waiter, I would have totally teabagged your halibut salad.

LA Is Cool.

I realize I shouldn’t get giddy about stuff like this because I am occasionally on TV, but I got a big kick out of a scene from this week’s episode of “Happy Endings” (my favorite show) being shot at the table I dined at two weeks ago at Miceli’s.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 39: Take A Knee.

Beware of motivational clichés – they’re not always accurate. I mean, why dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this shit.

I’ve mentioned once or twice that as actors we really have no grounds for bitching about the business. We choose it knowing full well the odds are incredibly tough. But that doesn’t mean we still can’t get discouraged.

Realize this: every successful actor got rejected along the way. The best way to deal with it is to know that each job you don’t get helps you become even clearer on what you really want.

Make persistence your main objective. In his book, Steve Martin said he wasn’t “naturally talented,” which made him inventive, and that “perseverance is a great substitute for talent.”

So, all of us in the fraternity of acting, here’s what I propose: let’s do the grunt work. Let’s be nice. Let’s make money. Let’s have a great life outside of work and think of others more. Let’s never give up on our dreams. Let’s live every week like it’s Shark Week.

And in the end, there’s no way we can’t win. Men will want to be us. Women will want to sleep with us. Bisexuals will want to watch.

Sound good? Good.

Noteworthy Event:

A puppy finally caught his tail.

I Administer Tough Love.

Oh, TV. You were doing so well in the 90s. “Seinfeld,” “The Larry Sanders Show,” “The Sopranos.” But then, between “Survivor” and “Cupcake Wars,” I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

I’ve never seen one frame of “Survivor,” or for that matter “American Idol” or “The Bachelor,” which makes it all the more disappointing that one of my heroes, Adam Carolla (I never miss his daily podcast), decided to take part in “Celebrity Apprentice” this season.

Adam was fired in the latest episode of this piece-of-shit show, and bitched yesterday about how they cooked the editing to make him look like a control-freak asshole who botched his assignment/presentation for a new Buick vehicle. Buick execs told him he knew their car even better than they did, but the show’s producers were through with him, and did a hatchet job, cutting up his presentation to make him look like a real dope.

Adam, really – what did you expect? You mentioned that the first day of shooting involved everyone on “The Apprentice” being fired, so that they’d have it clean and in the can in case things went awry. That was your first sign. Why do you think there are writers in the credits?

But nope. You had to go ahead and participate in a reality show – you know the type that replaces scripted shows and takes away thousands of jobs from actors and crew. Based on the ratings, a lot of stupid viewers think this programming is not only real but entertaining, and yet I’ll be any one of the millions of schlubs who watch “The Apprentice” could have told you it wasn’t going to end well. How did you not see that coming? Shameful.

Eesh.

I live by one steadfast wardrobe rule: dress every day like you’re going to get murdered in those clothes.

And later this year I’ll be in the wedding party for my friends Bru and Aina. Aina is Philippine, so I’ll be donning a true fashion don’t, known as a barong. To appease the groomsman, who are all actors/directors (and refer to this thing as a “ba-wrong”), Bru was fast to point out that Quentin Tarantino loves to sport one at various award events. Bastard.

I only hope it’s as its itchy and uncomfortable as it is horrendous looking. Happy marriage.

Weekend Recap.

Not to worry, Ford Escort owner – if the two-tone doesn’t get you in her pants, the automatic seat belts seal the deal… In my sleep, my calf cramped up so bad that I strained it, and spent all yesterday morning moving like a background player in Team America... My new favorite band name is Garage A Trois. Com Truise is now downgraded to #2… Walking into a restaurant Saturday night, I realized you can immediately tell who’s married and not married. The married couples aren’t talking.

And We Both Are Going To Hell.

Text my friend Andrew sent me from a plane yesterday: “Midget in first class. Talk about a waste of legroom...”

Random Shots I’m Deleting: An iPhone™ Purge.

Is it just me, or did this elephant paint a self portrait?

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 38: Making The Internet Your Bitch.

If I ever get murdered, and the cops search my place for clues, I just want them to know that looking at someone’s search history isn’t always a reliable indicator of their web habits. I mean, a small typo in the word “canal” and you’re in a whole different family of sites.

And a website is something you’ll definitely need as an actor so that casting directors will have quick access to your headshots, résumé and reels. It’s nothing more than an electronic brochure which gives you the space to promote the benefits of your product.

If you’ve got the cash, by all means pay an expert to create one for you. But really, all you need is something clean and easily navigable. Casting directors just want to know you’ve got experience and skills. I don’t care how fancy it might look – if you haven’t got substance, all the body glitter ain’t gonna cover up the fact that you’re just not ready to strip on the main stage.

So do it yourself. Go Daddy, Google and Yahoo all have simple web-hosting sites. A friend recently sent me a link to Squarespace. It’s a cool tech/design company that allows you to build really good-looking websites with drag and drop, which they then host for you. The sites look awesome.

An Apple Store employee once told me that in the late 90s he took a rigorous, 12-week course on how to design websites, and thought as a result he’d be printing money. Fast forward to today and there are dozens of DIY websites in which you can create a pro-style page in minutes. Oh, nerds – will you ever win?

A couple of rules: 1) Get your own domain name. GeorgeClooney.com is a lot easier to recall and visit than GeorgeClooneyisareallygoodactor.com. Domain names are super cheap these days. 2) Don’t wait for people to visit your site. Put the web address on your résumé, your business cards and anything else you use to market yourself. Sell the shit out of it.

I’ll leave you with this: my friend Crazy Dennis is a stubborn guy who considers himself an actor but still hasn’t gotten around to creating a web page. He’s on LinkedIn, though. Yeah, LinkedIn... he might as well be dead.

This Week In @mattshevin Tweets.

• (ABOVE) I think Blackberry finally found its market.

• In line next to me at Vons Supermaket is the official shopping cart of single women: Cap'n Crunch and white wine.

• Peter Berg wants to make a Friday Night Lights movie – a movie based on the TV show based on the movie. My frontal lobe just exploded.

• Chances are, if you’re in a gorilla suit promoting a store that buys gold, things aren’t going well.

• Did a scene last night about a guy who’s a serial sexter. #typecasting

• Jonah Hill is dating Dustin Hoffman's daughter? Is it safe to assume she looks like Tootsie?

Nominee #2.

I know mentioned Robert Downey, Jr. should host next year’s Oscars, but check out Seth Rogen at the Independent Spirit Awards doing a laid-back, foul-mouthed, damn impressive job with his own material.

Weekend Recap.

If you got scolded for drinking out of the toilet, you’d hide your head in shame, too… I got a new mattress, and it’s hand-crafted, using organic, high-density, luxury foam and an individually-wrapped coil system, ladies… I broke a tom arm on my drums on Saturday. I’d like to say I did it while whaling on my kit, but it happened while I was vacuuming. Not very rock ‘n roll… 5-Hour Energy needs to advertise even more during NBA games. How about four times per commercial break?… Related: is the inability to stay awake for long stretches rampant among hoops fans? I need answers.

Real Casting Notices I’ve Seen This Week.

• Do you have a crazy spouse? Did you marry someone who has an eccentric collection or an unusual obsession? Examples can include: Weird eating habits - i.e Secretly eat mayonnaise by the spoonful. Odd collections - i.e Collects belly button lint. Pica - i.e. An addiction to eating couch cushions

• Be a judge on America's Bottom Model, the total package competition. Must have no problem tastefully discussing a woman's bottom. If you are female, it doesn't hurt if you are also known for having a great bottom. If you are male, it doesn't hurt if you are also known for having a way with the ladies.
• People or families who want to start prepping! Whether you are concerned with Solar Flares, Government Takeovers, Hurricanes or Nuclear Winter.
• A person with a weird OCD behavior like Trichotillomania (plucking hair, eyebrows - needs to be extreme)
• Someone who is thinking of getting plastic surgery on their pet but questioning whether that's an appropriate procedure
• A female who does whip-its like Demi Moore
• A guy who wants a bigger penis and is considering plastic surgery
• Parents of engaged couples under the age of 18.

My Favorite Documentaries: Part Three.

Some may find reality shows entertaining, but I prefer to not stare into Satan’s butthole.

The best reality is truly real, in the form of documentaries. I listed a bunch I like a few years back, and here are five more:

Winnebago Man. The outtakes of a spokesman losing his cool while filming promotional videos for Winnebago became an Internet sensation, and a filmmaker in Austin became obsessed with finding the maniacal guy, who’s now vanished, and seeing what makes him tick.
Unique Moment: The spokesman turns out to be a funny old coot, and the director takes him to speak at a film festival in San Francisco, where the geeks in the audience go nuts for his opinions about life and this country.

Don’t You Forget About Me. After first wanting to make a John Hughes-type movie, four film students from Toronto decide instead to road-trip to Chicago to try to find and interview the very reclusive Hughes.
Unique Moment: Many of the actors from Hughes’ films are interviewed, along with filmmakers like Kevin Smith, who were heavily influenced by him. But my favorite interviews involved my friend/co-star of my film, John Kapelos, who played Carl the janitor in The Breakfast Club.

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop. Conan’s severance agreement over “The Tonight Show” prohibited him from appearing on TV for six months, so he put together a huge traveling comedy show/concert, with the proceeds benefiting his unemployed staff.
Unique Moment: Conan’s backup singers bring their families to meet and take pics with him. He’s super nice and entertains them, but later bitches to his assistant that he really hates exerting his energy pre-show. Points for him for being cool enough to allow this kinda ugly moment to be left in the film.

I Am Comic. Ritch Shydner, who was a successful comic in the 80s, lost his career to alcoholism. Now sober, the fire begins to burn again, and he tries doing standup sets at the tiniest of bars, in between interviewing fellow comedians about the business.
Unique Moment: Ritch goes to a self-proclaimed “comedy consultant”, who came up with a scientific system based on audience reaction to diagnose whether a comic’s set bombed or killed. Ritch does everything he can not to roll his eyes.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Joan just isn’t funny (and never was), but she is super generous, and it’s fascinating to see how hard she works every single day to support a bunch of relatives and friends. At one point, she dreads getting torched at her Comedy Central roast, and says, “They say it’s an honor, but if I’d invested wisely I wouldn’t have to go through this.”
Unique Moment: In the middle of doing her act at a casino in Wisconsin, Joan makes a Helen Keller joke (again, she is so not funny), and an uptight redneck in the audience goes nuts because he has a deaf son. Joan blasts him, and as the dude storms out she tells him her mother was deaf and reminds him that we need to laugh or we’ll go crazy.

And Yet I Still Insist On Calling Him “Dummy.”

I was gonna take this class called “Cooking for One,” but the teacher killed himself.

Instead, I’ve been spending my Wednesday nights in puppy training class. I’m particularly fond of the photo I took of Ricky and his classmate, since I grew up with and have a special affection for blonde Cocker Spaniels. Though I gotta say our Cockers were idiots.

Now, as much as I’d love to tell you Ricky is also a complete dope, he just won’t cooperate – he’s brilliant.

I never saw it coming. He learned to sit in one session. Then walk next to me on a loose leash. Last night, he laid down, first attempt, which is unusual for the very energetic Pits. When he was too young to hold in his piss, instead of ruining my floors, he peed in my shower, and now he only goes outside. Put that report card on your refrigerator.

All I need to get him to do now is stop occasionally gnawing on my flip-flops. And on my niece and nephew. But those two little shits have it coming.