The Tie That Binds.

Whether you’re a beatnik, a nanny or a sassy neighbor chick from a 70s sitcom, nobody likes the Los Angeles DMV.

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• As a kid, I spent my summers mowing lawns. And hornets nests. But mostly lawns.

• You’re fast becoming one of my favorite casting directors. Or at least my favorite Armenian one.

• I must say – having someone autograph their left butt cheek is never a good idea. I found that out the hard way with Chris Brown.

• You don’t need to worry what foreigners think about you – that’s your birthright as an American.

• If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I’d get free cable for life, I’d do it.

• I never make assumptions about race. I once asked a black guy if he had seen Sideways.

My 1300th Entry.

When I launched this blog, many of the site names I wanted to use were already snatched up by other actors with a similar idea: post daily about pursuing acting and living in Los Angeles. But as I clicked through them, every single one had given up after just a few entries.

And to those “dedicated” actors I ask: why should I believe you’re serious about your craft? Because you wrote three more entries about it than my dog did?

As is tradition, whenever I hit a round number on here I like to select my five favorites from my last batch of 100. Here you go:

Day 6: Stew Leonard’s: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. I am not kidding when I say I finally this week lost the weight from this shopping trip. Put on an adult-size bib and break bread with me here.

My Christmas Gift To Me. Seven months of heartbreak end with a puppy born on Thanksgiving. Tiny Pit-Bull-size kisses here.

Oh For F’s Sake. He kills repeatedly, and the biggest tragedy I can find is fashion-related. Meet me at Goodwill here.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 37: What Brown Can’t Do For You. I’d like to incorporate a lesson into the end of every entry, like the end of every episode of “Full House.” Hug it out, here.

Because I Don’t Tell You I Love You Nearly Enough, Ladies. If I ever wanted to enlighten guys instead, I’d simply say this: ask your female friends what they hate about men, and then don’t do those things. Women, take fastidious notes here.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 40: They Don’t Call It “Show Art.”

I pride myself on being proactive, especially since it wasn’t ingrained early on. My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

I received this question from a guy named Ryan: “I saw a job posting for working with an agent, doing clerical work. As an actor would this be a beneficial job? And what are your thoughts on it?”

Tricky one. I’ve never heard about actors working for agents. I do, however, know actors who have interned for casting directors and have gotten a lot out of it.

Attitude is the key to a casting internship. Chances are you won’t get to audition for anything they cast, but you can learn so much from just observing others auditioning. You’ll see the whole gamut, from nervous messes to needy hacks to name stars that bomb. (And you’ll understand why many A-listers prefer to “take meetings” rather than audition.) And you’ll see the one actor in each session who comes in and just hits it out of the park – and you’ll instantly became a better actor just from watching it.

Sitting in on auditions, or even better, being asked to be the scene reader for actors in them, is the major reason why an internship is a good idea. But if you find yourself doing no more than changing the tanks on their water coolers, kindly quit that bullshit immediately. You’re an actor, not their lackey. If they ever refer to you as simply “the assistant,” you walk. Being under-appreciated is my my third biggest phobia behind death and drag queens with no makeup.

Now, about working for an agent – that’s a bird of a very different feather. I’m not sure how it would be beneficial, unless they want to pay you, which would be a terrific day-job because it’s at least showbiz related.

Auditioning is our bread and butter, and that’s what you gun for. If you’re spending several hours in your busy week to learn our most important skill for free by helping out a casting office, then you’re looking at a big batch of pro-activity, professor. Hope that helped.

Nice Trophy.

On the right, my friend John Hunter proudly poses with the Oscar for the film he composed, The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore.

Someday, I plan on getting one of those for myself, and then abusing my liver so profoundly that Sarah MacLachlan will shoot a PSA for it.

Weekend Recap.

I went to take out my trash, opened up the garbage can and was greeted by a possum. I literally jumped out of my flip-flops. Then I put the can in the back of my SUV, drove over to a park and shook him out of it. He was kinda pissed… After I shiv the guy whose mutt bit my puppy at the dog park, add the lobster-roll appetizer at Son of Gun to the menu of my last meal… ESPN showed an old clip from CBS’s pregame football show with Irv Cross. I miss when black dudes had parts in their afros… Hey Time Warner: if your Internet goes down during LA rainstorms what are you supposed to do? Go to the library like a common masturbator?

And You Can Only See This Film...

…if you’ve mastered time travel.