Home Run Hitter.

I love Tuesday. It’s the director’s cut of Monday.

And Tuesday night, as I pulled into my local gas station, I almost shit when I saw one of my favorite actors, Chris Pratt, filling his tank.

It’s enough that Chris has my dream job, starring in one of the best sitcoms on TV – “Parks and Recreation” – but in the last two years he’s played Scott Hatteberg in Money Ball and a Seal Team member in Zero Dark Thirty, which happen to be my second and third dream jobs. (Professional baseball and killing Bin Laden.)

He was on the phone so I didn’t want to bother him, but as a fellow actor I couldn’t help myself, so I motioned to him that I’m a big fan. He was super appreciative with a big hello.

Class all the way, sir.

A Two-Minute and 51-Second Montage Of Ricky Howling At Ambulances.

It’s Not Easy Being Phony Green.

In my Valentine’s post last year (new one coming in two weeks, ladies), I declared “the boob job is today’s bad toupee.”

In 2013, I’m proclaiming that the fake lawn is today’s boob job. It looks like shit, homeowners. And if you think it’s cutting down on maintenance, I present to you exhibit A: my neighbor’s artificial turf, now sprouting weeds. Worth every penny.

Here in SoCal, the city of Glendale banned artificial grass, because of concerns about its plastic and chemical composition. Feel free to let the kids and dog have at it, neighbor.

A lawn was meant to be mowed, not vacuumed. Rip it up.

Partnering Up With The Wedding Party.

I pretend all the loser friends I hang out with are just Christian Bale in Oscar-nominated roles as the loser friends I hang out with.

But the great friends? Love ‘em. I was honored to be a best man in my friends Bru and Aina’s wedding in the Philippines a few months ago, and now I’m thrilled to be teaming up on a project with them.

I can’t get into specific details yet, but recently we entered a contest and were one of four finalists given money to shoot a commercial. If our idea beats our fellow finalists, the commercial will run locally during the Super Bowl this Sunday.

The final cut was due this morning, so we (mostly Bru and Aina, as I was weighed down by another writing assignment), sprang into action, assembled a cast and crew, found a location and shot it on Saturday. Bru directed it. I was first assistant director. Aina was line-producer. We cast every great actor friend of ours and they really nailed it.

It’s up to the judges now, but it’s our hope that they’ll see it and fall over in love. They’ll be smitten, unwise and undone. They’ll start scribbling out checks before they can stop themselves, begging us for more.

Fingers crossed.

Leader.

If I drive without my seat belt, my SUV beeps at me for five seconds then it gives up on me. I need an SUV that fights harder to save me.

Or, even better, I need my own personal Cory Booker.

Since I last blogged about him, after the amazing job he did as Mayor of Newark following the blizzard (and he thanked me for it!), Cory saved a woman from a house fire (he suffered smoke inhalation and second degree burns in the process), attempted to live on a food budget of $30 per week to shed light on American’s living on food stamps and now via Twitter, has rescued a dog from freezing to death in the single digit temps.

Is there anything he can’t do? Actually, yes: after he received a tweet last year that asked, “Can u sort the pothole outside?” Cory’s replied, “Sir, it looks like you live in Dublin, Ireland. I’ve got 99 problems and your ditch ain’t one.”

I Vote For The SAG Awards, Part II.

Until all reality shows go away, TV is effectively a really cool pool that someone took a dump in.

So it gives me great pride to vote for and reward the casts of scripted television. The rest of my ballot:

Male Actor in a TV Drama. Yes, Jeff Daniels shined me off one week, but the next week he came thisclose to being forced to talk to me. We’ll meet again, sir. Matthew Perry once said acting on an Aaron Sorkin show was like stepping onto a moving train, and no one does it as effortlessly as Jeff Daniels. You get my vote, dude. And my forgiveness.

Female Actor in a TV Drama. The scene in “American Horror Story”  – in which Jessica Lange visits her deceased daughter in the morgue and puts makeup on her – left me so emotional I now have bangs and work at Anthropologie.

Male Actor in a TV Comedy. When Jim Parsons auditioned for the role of Sheldon, Chuck Lorre was so shocked at how much Jim inhabited the role that he thought maybe it was a fluke of some kind, and made the casting director bring Jim back to audition again. It was no fluke. He’s a comic genius. Winner.

Female Actor in a TV Comedy. I met Amy and she was super sweet to me, but that doesn’t factor one bit into how much she deserves to win. She really carries the most consistently funny show on TV, and I was happy my tuition for improv training at Upright Citizens Brigade went partially to her, one of UCB’s founders. She’s the best.

Outstanding Stunt Ensemble on TV. Yep, they do this nutty category for television, too. The action on “Boardwalk Empire” this season built into such a massive war between gangsters that even the shitty vaudeville comedians on the show were watching their asses. The good old days.

Outstanding Cast in a TV Drama. My favorite actor on “Boardwalk Empire” changed weekly, not just because they were all phenomenal, but because the show killed everyone off. Seriously. Actors, just leave your cars running in the studio parking lot if you book a role – you’ll be whacked and back home in your jammies by noon.

Outstanding Cast in a TV Comedy. There are other casts I wish had been nominated, including “Parks and Recreation” and “Happy Endings,” but this is a jam-packed category. (Side note: good for Bobby Cannavale for being nominated as part of both drama and comedy ensemble for “Boardwalk Empire” and “Nurse Jackie.”) I knew I was won over the second I saw the cold opening to the “Modern Family” episode “Express Christmas.” Click here to watch it, and see why I think this scene alone is the definition of a great ensemble cast.

That’s all they asked for, so that’s all I’ve got. Everyone have a kickass weekend, okay? Okay.

I Vote For The SAG Awards, Part I.

Sometimes I really struggle to decide if I should tweet a link to my blog entry, or simply post it as a Facebook status update. And then I remember my relatives died in concentration camps.

Yeah, tough decisions. I had to make one of two of them yesterday, when I cast my ballot for the 2013 SAG Awards. There are 15 categories, so I figured I’d break my results in half and share them today and tomorrow. Up first:

Lead Male in a Film. Bradley Cooper was incredible in Silver Linings Playbook, battling mental illness in a really tricky role. Meanwhile, Daniel Day-Lewis turned down Lincoln many times (Spielberg almost then went with Liam Neeson), and it occurred to me why he didn’t want to do it: when Daniel accepts a role, he goes all in, taking months to inhabit the character, and he didn’t want to play Abe unless he was fully committed in his own self-masochistic way. He wins.

Lead Female in a Film. I’m sure Bin Laden would be thrilled to know a woman was the operative most responsible for him buying it. A guy in Zero Dark Thirty calls Jessica Chastain’s Maya “a killer.” She’s an action hero, brilliant strategist, emotional patriot, and she’s smokin’ hot. Award winner.

Supporting Male in a Film. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is mortified about having to sing, and yet he embraced singing and prancing to a room full of naked women in one crazy scene of The Master. And in another, he and Joaquin Phoenix went head-to-head so intensely that it made me either want to work harder at my craft, or give up on the business.

Supporting Female in a Film. After being married to Mary Todd Lincoln for 23 years, getting your head blown off must feel like sweet relief. And yet, Sally Field gave some depth and kindness to the woman – she was a mother grieving over her lost son. I voted for her. I really, really voted for her.

Outstanding Stunt Ensemble in a Film. Yes, it’s perhaps the weirdest category of any award show, but I’m not one to abstain. Skyfall was one of the best films of the year, loaded with cool action sequences, and… and… wait – Les Misérables nominated for action/stunts? Sorry, Avengers…

Outstanding Cast in a Film. Now this is a category that only the SAG Awards features, and I love it. Let’s honor entire casts as a team. I thought Argo had the most actors with the most range, from Ben Affleck’s stoic coolness to John Goodman and Alan Arkin’s comedy stealing every scene to ease the tension. Argo eff this category.

Male Actor in a TV Movie. There’s a moment in Game Change, after it’s clear that Sarah Palin thinks the Queen of England runs the country and is in charge of the British armed forces, that we can see in Woody Harrelson’s character Steve Schmidt’s eyes that he bet on the wrong horse. He had me at this moment.

Female Actor in a TV Movie. Sarah Palin is so vile that I didn’t even want to watch a scathing depiction of her. But Julianne Moore’s portrayal of the paranoid, phony, uneducated skank was magnetic. Can I vote twice?

Coming tomorrow: more awards. Or, why my TV addiction is tax deductible.