Free Up Some RAM Space In Your Brain.

All of the trivial nonsense I’ve spent years retaining could be worth multi millions of dollars.

Just typing that gave me a semi.

More about that (the nonsense, not the semi) after you answer this: what change did UPS make in 2004 involving their delivery trucks in New York City that helped them decrease their carbon emissions by 30%?

Don’t read past this paragraph if you want to try to answer it on your own. In the meantime, I’ll scroll back: my friend Greg heard about a new game show debuting on ABC this summer called “Six Minds,” in which six friends work as a team to answer very intricate questions for a chance at big money. I was part of Greg’s team, and the UPS question was one of many we were asked as we auditioned for the show over the weekend.

What’s nice about the show is that there are no douchey tasks to perform – just really tough questions, and you really have to work as a team to answer them. One of the guys with us just happened to have read an article recently that gave him the answer to the above question, which happens to be this: the right turn theory. UPS rearranged all of their drivers’ routes so that they only made right turns, thus eliminating a third of the time, gas and emissions taken up by waiting to make left turns. It was a pretty brilliant suggestion made by one of their employees.

By the way, I looked it up, and UPS is now implementing this plan in many more cities across the country, saving them over $600 million per year. And it's not a bad idea for us civilians to do the same at horrendous intersections wherever we live. (I'm talking about you, Sunset and Beverly Glen.)

If you answered the question correctly on your own, take a few seconds to high five the people around you. If no one is there, high-five yourself. Well played.

Let’s Play Seven.

You'd be amazed how much I want to see a Boston team to win a championship. Assuming you'd be amazed by "not one f'n bit."

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all blog.

The Knicks are my team, so I really couldn’t care less about the Celtics, or for that matter the Lakers. But I am a huge fan of traffic-free freeways, and whenever a Laker playoff game is going on, people in this town stay home and watch it. Which means I can take pics like the one above, at 75 mph during game one of the NBA finals. That was Thursday rush hour, normally a shitstorm for commuters.

So, the Celtics tying up the series last night is damn good for me, and means I’ll be able to get out and get stuff done for at least three more games. Anybody need dry cleaning picked up? Dog dipped for fleas? Carton of smokes? Call me on the celly.

Worth TiVo-ing.

Whenever I watch the MTV Movie Awards, I feel three pounds lighter. Probably because it bores the shit out of me. And I’ve had a big lunch.

But I may have to give it one more shot tomorrow night after Aziz Ansari, this year’s Movie Awards host, showed up before the improv shows I attended Thursday night and tried out some material he wants to use.

One story he told: while out at a club, Aziz sat at a table next to 50 Cent, who ordered a grapefruit and soda, and when it arrived, 50 Cent said the greatest thing ever: “Why isn’t this purple?”

Aziz realized 50 Cent has been so rich for so long, that he doesn’t even know what a grapefruit is. He probably just thinks all fruits have fruit in their name: grape fruit, apple fruit, pear fruit, etc.

I say record the award show, and watch Aziz only. Unless you’re looking for a heavy cleanse.

Somebody Got An Owie.

To the mom of the out-of-control child actor that ran around the casting waiting room like a maniac yesterday until he impaled his chest on the corner of this bench, I offer up a heartfelt, belated, happy Mother’s Day.

Let's Go To The Video Tape.

How am I going to spend my summer – besides turning my doorway into a gym, like I learned from an infomercial last night? I’ll be trying to convince the guys in the New York improv group Britanick (rhymes with Titanic) to get their butts out here and work with me. The Facebook seduction has already begun.

Click above, and check out this piece called Academy Award-Winning Movie Trailer. It’s inspired. (Facebook readers click here.)

Once Again, I Get Schooled.

Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working. Even if their line of work involved creating improv sketches based on the word “taint.”

Last night I went back to the grind, with my first class at the next level: improv 201. I’ll spend the summer at the Meta Theater, working on my skills. While it’s great to be move up to double-A ball, it’s some very heady stuff.

My new teacher, Will McLaughlin, came highly recommended, and last night he didn’t disappoint. He’s smart, wants us to really do well and cuts right to the chase. In trying to emphasize the most important element of improv – basing everything in serious reality instead of sheer craziness – he gave as an example not to set a scene in a unicorn BJ factory.

It was arguably the most favorite thing I’ve ever written in a notebook.

Fiesta Hermosa In Hermosa Beach: A Blackberry® Photo Gallery.

“Everybody wins!” says the sign at this game, if your definition of a W is paying two bucks for leftover Christmas crap no doubt tainted with lead.

My attempt to scare Petey straight at the petting zoo backfired as he watched the animals get fed yummy food all afternoon.

Much respect to the lead singer of this Led Zep cover band for going the extra mile and shelling out $11.95 for the Robert Plant home perm.

My nephew being drawn to this particular tattoo was just a solid reminder that ¼ of him is not Jewish.

Someday, I want to have so much F-you money that I can buy all of this guy’s dolphin and turtle-themed pieces. Then, knowing that he’ll have become a complete sellout with no ambition to produce new stuff, I’ll smash them all with a claw hammer.