Get Your Butt To LA, Part 31: They Don’t All Terk Er Jerbs.

You’re up for a guest-starring role on a hit TV show. You learn your lines, make your choices, arrive early to the casting office, knock the audition out of the park, then tune in six weeks later and find out an A-list celebrity was given the role. And all you can think is, “I shaved my balls for this?”

It’s called “stunt casting,” and it can make regular actors frustrated to the third decimal. But I’d argue it’s really not as egregious a problem as many of us seem to bitch about.

I had the benefit of learning this early on, in my first meeting with my first commercial agent. He wanted me know the cold hard truth: there weren’t going to be many roles available for me because stars were going to take all the parts. Yes, apparently Matt Damon and Brad Pitt would be gunning for that home refinancing commercial I booked soon afterward, in which I acted opposite a guy dressed as a big, fuzzy house. Thanks, agent. Good pep talk.

Police procedural shows like “Criminal Minds” have up to 20 guest and co-star roles each week, and multiplied by 22 episodes each year, that’s over 400 roles. Let’s say one or two of them go to name actors – that’s 398 for the rest of us. (You need a lot of cops and eyewitnesses to help comb crime scenes for semen stains.)

And that’s the math for just one show – there are dozens of dramas on dozens of channels on network, basic cable and pay channels. Even MTV is back to doing scripted programming. This creates stats that would have been science fiction two decades ago, when they were only four networks on the air.

I write about getting your butt to LA because I firmly believe in anyone who pursues a dream, and you’ve got the talent and Hollywood has the roles. In other words, you’ve got it up there, now snap it off.

The Fifth Good Film Of 2011.

After my second girlfriend shot me the second time, I realized that love is the most important thing in the world.

And speaking of violence and romance, I saw a screening of Drive last night and loved it. It has Ryan Gosling, cool cars (plus great chases through the streets of downtown LA) and lots of blood. It’s easily the coolest film of the year.

Meanwhile, Albert Brooks plays a really bad guy really well. Oh, to have lived ‘til such a day when a movie could make Albert Brooks seem so convincingly evil that I’d be afraid to meet him in person. Top that, Spielberg.

You’re going to see this when it comes out on DVD, right? Right.

My 1200th Entry.

Shout-out to my nephew for taking time out of his busy football-watching schedule to congratulate me.

I really can’t believe this is my 1200th blog entry – it seems like only yesterday was my 1199th. As is customary, every time I reach a set of 100, I choose my five favorites of the batch:

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 28: Featuring Visual Aids. If I can help one actor, and offend one senior citizen, I’ll have done my job. Enjoy the senior abuse here.

California Penal Code Section 538d: Impersonating A Peace Officer. With the exception of my third cousin, a commander in the CHP, I’m really not a fan of cops and their chickenshit tickets. Get a dose of self-hatred here.

Meanwhile, On The Best Coast… Asking me to pick my favorite New York-bashing blog entry is my version of Sophie’s Choice. Pile on with me here.

The NFL on FOX Commercial Shoot: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery. Over the weekend, my friend Jennie, a ski instructor to the stars in Park City, UT, asked JB Smooth about me and he said very nice things. I can die now, and you can revisit my favorite shoot here.

If Kanye Was White: Sometimes all a blogger has to do is drive down Santa Monica Blvd. to get an early Christmas gift thrown in his lap. Check out what I got back in September.

Weekend Recap.

If a guy who’s possibly armed and dangerous walks past you and you live to blog about it, that’s a good weekend… My gym suddenly switched from being Bally Fitness to LA Fitness, which significantly lowers my risk of contracting a staph infection… Watching football at Sharkeez yesterday: a black guy wearing a Tony Romo jersey. Is that on my oddity scavenger hunt? Why, yes it is… I feel like all the wind in LA lately was in no way intimidated by my nylon windbreaker.

Ship His Fat, White Ass Back To The Homeland.

The always informed Piers Morgan, paying tribute to “female” comic Patrice O’Neal.

Multitaskers I’ve Seen This Week.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 30: Watch Your Tone.

I love Pulp Fiction. I saw it on a plane, and it was really cute. It’s a thirty-minute film about a group of friends who love cheeseburgers, dancing and the Bible.

Wait – what’d I miss? Oh….

Okay then – let’s talk tonality. It’s one of the most important aspects of an audition. I recently attended a workshop in which a casting director from “NCIS” was nice enough to pass around a set of rules (pictured above) for auditioning for her show.

It was amazingly helpful. You see, auditioning is kind of like a helicopter: 1000 parts all working against each other to kill you. So it’s incredibly important, especially in TV auditions, to know the tone of what you’re auditioning for.

For instance, a program like “Bones” seems like a serious procedural show, but if you watch an episode you’ll see it’s actually playful, with a flirty vibe between the two leads.

Meanwhile, sitcoms come in two varieties: “multi camera,” which has a live audience and a heightened sense of stakes – like “The Big Bang Theory,” or “single camera,” shot more intimately like “The Office.” “The Office” is also included in a subsection of one-camera sitcoms which are mockumentary-style, like “Parks & Recreation” and “Modern Family.” And then there’s the improv-based “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

Here’s the bad news and the good news: the bad is you have to know the tone of every single show on TV or you just won’t book any roles, and the good is you have to know the tone of every single show on TV, so you have to watch them all. Is there any career on the planet that has a more laid-back research method? You can do this one while stuffing your face with Cool Ranch Doritos.

So get crackin’. It’s Thursday – best TV night of the week. And “The Mentalist” ain’t gonna watch itself.