And A Domesticated Fish Shall Lead Us.

We may not have another three-day weekend upon us, but I propose we make it just as fun as the last, before the 24-hour news networks destroy the part of our brains that makes happiness.

I snapped this pic the other day of a stingray at a little aquarium by me, and if we can be half as content as this little shit, mission accomplished.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 10: Let’s Go Back To The Mailbag.

The uphill battle of achieving one’s dream can be discouraging. I won't lie to you – my life as a reggae artist hasn't turned out exactly as planned.

Here’s a recent question I received from an aspiring actor: “Hey I see you had a post about jobs. What if the only job you were able to get was 9 to 5, what’s your advice?”

It’s a question actors have been struggling with since the Earth cooled. Tending bar or waiting tables isn’t for everyone, so what to do?

While a part-time job frees up your schedule to attend auditions, full-time has its pluses as well, like a regular paycheck and benefits, with enough money to pay for several classes and headshots and marketing yourself. And it’s important in our very challenging pursuit to have fun in our free time, and working scattered hours for day-laborer wages will leave your social life as limited as Mongolian cuisine.

So if a full-time job is your only option, then absolutely go for it. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a boss that’s pulling for you and will allow you to leave for auditions, but mostly likely you won’t, so take a deep breath and sneak out. I’ve done it myself during my occasional writing assignments, and I’ve turned it into a real science.

Whatever way you wind up funding yourself is going to have its share of both pleasantries and dogshit. But remember: you choose to come here and sacrifice, so step up and do whatever it takes. And remember this as well: obstacles are there to help you decide whether you really want something, or just think you did.

See you soon.

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• I always alert the woman I’m sleeping with that her husband’s going to lose out on a military project. But I’m a giver.
• I’ve never had a fortnight stand, but I once had a one-night stand that wound up lasting eight nights. I call it a “Chanukah stand.”
• You’re the foul-mouthed, ball-bustin’, merciless, Italian sister I never had.
• My mom wants to thank you for helping her achieve her dream of me becoming a cardiologist, even if only for two minutes.
• I couldn't have drawn more attention to myself if I had been wearing a “Weiner 2012” T-shirt.
• A workshop on a Sunday morning always beats church. Then again, an insurance seminar on a Sunday morning always beats church.

July 4th Weekend: An iPhone™ Photo Gallery.

Nothing says “America” like going to an Italian salon and getting your hair washed by a Mexican woman, your hair cut by an Irish chick, your credit card run by a Spanish receptionist and parking slip taken by a Pakistani man.

At Ralph's Supermarket: food poisoning, the way our forefathers planned it. The tourney ended April 4th.

I spent the 4th at a barbecue, and now the 5th namedropping – the party was at former Yankee and Dodger manager Joe Torre’s Beverly Hills mansion. I’m friends with his nephew.

Joe is currently in a sling, recovering from rotator cuff surgery. I’m guessing the cause was his dog Maia, who forced me to throw her this tennis ball for an hour and a half.

Like I always say, feature a woman shitting in the street, and you’ll gross a cool $200 million. I finally saw Bridesmaids. It’s great.

Living Independently.

Couch + repackaged Christmas cookies + bourbon = the saddest 4th ever. And yet… perchance it’s the best 4th ever!

Once Again, Real Casting Notices I’ve Seen This Week.

• We are looking for parents of any age who have engaged teens. We are primarily looking for teens 16-19 who are getting married this summer. Are you completely supportive? Do you hate it? Is your teenager's fiancé a complete screw-up?
• Now casting manly men who work in sanitation for a hit TV show! Are you a garbage man, sanitation worker, recyclable collector? Have you ever wanted to get in touch with your feminine side?
• Underwear model of men's briefs and plastic pants. Fit and muscled but not major body builder look. No large tattoos. A small one is not a problem.
• Seeing visually impaired and blind singles! (Nice unintentionally-funny typo in the first word of this one. –Matt)
• We're looking for very personable people with lots of energy. We don't want a polished look. Someone who might look like they belong on “Deadliest Catch” but still has all their teeth etc.

Get Your Butt To LA, Part 9B: Learn To Speak Actor In Two Easy Blog Posts.

Hope this is helping. Though I know for my non-actor readers that in the midst of a blog banquet, this vocab lesson must seem like a sorbet of mouse scat.

Let’s finish this:

Read. A more commonly-used term for auditioning. Yes, it would be simpler to just say “audition,” but every business has its odd terminology, and acting’s is more unsorted than my sock drawer.
Used in a sentence: “I was called in to read for the role of a cop.”

Slate. Right before you audition, the casting person will ask you to say your name into the camera. The nice thing about a slate is that even if you botch your audition, you’ll still get the showbiz equivalent of 200 SAT points for simply getting your name right.
Used in a sentence: “Please slate your name and the role you’re reading for.”

Pre-read. Often, for simple one or two-line TV auditions, casting directors will have you quickly audition for them before they bring you back for a show’s producers. It’s an odd name for what is essentially an informal audition, and reminiscent of a George Carlin bit: “Airlines ask you to ‘pre-board.’ Well, what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to ‘pre-board?’ You get on before you get on? It’s all over the language now – ‘pre-’ this, ‘pre-’ that. ‘Place the turkey in a pre-heated oven.’ ‘Pre-existing,’ ‘pre-planning,’ ‘pre-screening.’ You know what I say? “Pre-suck my dick!”
Used in a sentence: “This casting office likes to pre-read its actors.”

Frame. This is the space in which you’ll appear on screen. Auditions are often recorded on video, and knowing your frame will keep you from too much or too little movement. Two anecdotes about this: 1) I was an acting classmate of David Moscow, who played the young version of Tom Hanks in Big. David is an excellent, technically-savvy actor who used the frame really well, like in a tight shot needing hand gestures, he kept hands up near his face, in frame. By the way, I always assumed that David grown up would look like Tom Hanks. He doesn’t. 2) The original “Melrose Place” had a casting rule which prohibited men above six feet tall, because the females in the cast were so teeny that tall guys would have their heads above frame. In general, you don’t see too many successful tall actors besides Clint Eastwood, Tim Robbins, Vince Vaughn and Brad Garrett.
Used in a sentence: “Your frame in this shot is from the top of your head to your shoulders.”

One last thing, before I send you off to drink and handle explosives for the next three days: the term is “casting director,” not “casting agent.” Use it three times and it’s yours. Now go enjoy your MGDs and M80s.