Get Your Butt To LA, Part 38: Making The Internet Your Bitch.

If I ever get murdered, and the cops search my place for clues, I just want them to know that looking at someone’s search history isn’t always a reliable indicator of their web habits. I mean, a small typo in the word “canal” and you’re in a whole different family of sites.

And a website is something you’ll definitely need as an actor so that casting directors will have quick access to your headshots, résumé and reels. It’s nothing more than an electronic brochure which gives you the space to promote the benefits of your product.

If you’ve got the cash, by all means pay an expert to create one for you. But really, all you need is something clean and easily navigable. Casting directors just want to know you’ve got experience and skills. I don’t care how fancy it might look – if you haven’t got substance, all the body glitter ain’t gonna cover up the fact that you’re just not ready to strip on the main stage.

So do it yourself. Go Daddy, Google and Yahoo all have simple web-hosting sites. A friend recently sent me a link to Squarespace. It’s a cool tech/design company that allows you to build really good-looking websites with drag and drop, which they then host for you. The sites look awesome.

An Apple Store employee once told me that in the late 90s he took a rigorous, 12-week course on how to design websites, and thought as a result he’d be printing money. Fast forward to today and there are dozens of DIY websites in which you can create a pro-style page in minutes. Oh, nerds – will you ever win?

A couple of rules: 1) Get your own domain name. GeorgeClooney.com is a lot easier to recall and visit than GeorgeClooneyisareallygoodactor.com. Domain names are super cheap these days. 2) Don’t wait for people to visit your site. Put the web address on your résumé, your business cards and anything else you use to market yourself. Sell the shit out of it.

I’ll leave you with this: my friend Crazy Dennis is a stubborn guy who considers himself an actor but still hasn’t gotten around to creating a web page. He’s on LinkedIn, though. Yeah, LinkedIn... he might as well be dead.

This Week In @mattshevin Tweets.

• (ABOVE) I think Blackberry finally found its market.

• In line next to me at Vons Supermaket is the official shopping cart of single women: Cap'n Crunch and white wine.

• Peter Berg wants to make a Friday Night Lights movie – a movie based on the TV show based on the movie. My frontal lobe just exploded.

• Chances are, if you’re in a gorilla suit promoting a store that buys gold, things aren’t going well.

• Did a scene last night about a guy who’s a serial sexter. #typecasting

• Jonah Hill is dating Dustin Hoffman's daughter? Is it safe to assume she looks like Tootsie?

Nominee #2.

I know mentioned Robert Downey, Jr. should host next year’s Oscars, but check out Seth Rogen at the Independent Spirit Awards doing a laid-back, foul-mouthed, damn impressive job with his own material.

Weekend Recap.

If you got scolded for drinking out of the toilet, you’d hide your head in shame, too… I got a new mattress, and it’s hand-crafted, using organic, high-density, luxury foam and an individually-wrapped coil system, ladies… I broke a tom arm on my drums on Saturday. I’d like to say I did it while whaling on my kit, but it happened while I was vacuuming. Not very rock ‘n roll… 5-Hour Energy needs to advertise even more during NBA games. How about four times per commercial break?… Related: is the inability to stay awake for long stretches rampant among hoops fans? I need answers.

Real Casting Notices I’ve Seen This Week.

• Do you have a crazy spouse? Did you marry someone who has an eccentric collection or an unusual obsession? Examples can include: Weird eating habits - i.e Secretly eat mayonnaise by the spoonful. Odd collections - i.e Collects belly button lint. Pica - i.e. An addiction to eating couch cushions

• Be a judge on America's Bottom Model, the total package competition. Must have no problem tastefully discussing a woman's bottom. If you are female, it doesn't hurt if you are also known for having a great bottom. If you are male, it doesn't hurt if you are also known for having a way with the ladies.
• People or families who want to start prepping! Whether you are concerned with Solar Flares, Government Takeovers, Hurricanes or Nuclear Winter.
• A person with a weird OCD behavior like Trichotillomania (plucking hair, eyebrows - needs to be extreme)
• Someone who is thinking of getting plastic surgery on their pet but questioning whether that's an appropriate procedure
• A female who does whip-its like Demi Moore
• A guy who wants a bigger penis and is considering plastic surgery
• Parents of engaged couples under the age of 18.

My Favorite Documentaries: Part Three.

Some may find reality shows entertaining, but I prefer to not stare into Satan’s butthole.

The best reality is truly real, in the form of documentaries. I listed a bunch I like a few years back, and here are five more:

Winnebago Man. The outtakes of a spokesman losing his cool while filming promotional videos for Winnebago became an Internet sensation, and a filmmaker in Austin became obsessed with finding the maniacal guy, who’s now vanished, and seeing what makes him tick.
Unique Moment: The spokesman turns out to be a funny old coot, and the director takes him to speak at a film festival in San Francisco, where the geeks in the audience go nuts for his opinions about life and this country.

Don’t You Forget About Me. After first wanting to make a John Hughes-type movie, four film students from Toronto decide instead to road-trip to Chicago to try to find and interview the very reclusive Hughes.
Unique Moment: Many of the actors from Hughes’ films are interviewed, along with filmmakers like Kevin Smith, who were heavily influenced by him. But my favorite interviews involved my friend/co-star of my film, John Kapelos, who played Carl the janitor in The Breakfast Club.

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop. Conan’s severance agreement over “The Tonight Show” prohibited him from appearing on TV for six months, so he put together a huge traveling comedy show/concert, with the proceeds benefiting his unemployed staff.
Unique Moment: Conan’s backup singers bring their families to meet and take pics with him. He’s super nice and entertains them, but later bitches to his assistant that he really hates exerting his energy pre-show. Points for him for being cool enough to allow this kinda ugly moment to be left in the film.

I Am Comic. Ritch Shydner, who was a successful comic in the 80s, lost his career to alcoholism. Now sober, the fire begins to burn again, and he tries doing standup sets at the tiniest of bars, in between interviewing fellow comedians about the business.
Unique Moment: Ritch goes to a self-proclaimed “comedy consultant”, who came up with a scientific system based on audience reaction to diagnose whether a comic’s set bombed or killed. Ritch does everything he can not to roll his eyes.

Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Joan just isn’t funny (and never was), but she is super generous, and it’s fascinating to see how hard she works every single day to support a bunch of relatives and friends. At one point, she dreads getting torched at her Comedy Central roast, and says, “They say it’s an honor, but if I’d invested wisely I wouldn’t have to go through this.”
Unique Moment: In the middle of doing her act at a casino in Wisconsin, Joan makes a Helen Keller joke (again, she is so not funny), and an uptight redneck in the audience goes nuts because he has a deaf son. Joan blasts him, and as the dude storms out she tells him her mother was deaf and reminds him that we need to laugh or we’ll go crazy.

And Yet I Still Insist On Calling Him “Dummy.”

I was gonna take this class called “Cooking for One,” but the teacher killed himself.

Instead, I’ve been spending my Wednesday nights in puppy training class. I’m particularly fond of the photo I took of Ricky and his classmate, since I grew up with and have a special affection for blonde Cocker Spaniels. Though I gotta say our Cockers were idiots.

Now, as much as I’d love to tell you Ricky is also a complete dope, he just won’t cooperate – he’s brilliant.

I never saw it coming. He learned to sit in one session. Then walk next to me on a loose leash. Last night, he laid down, first attempt, which is unusual for the very energetic Pits. When he was too young to hold in his piss, instead of ruining my floors, he peed in my shower, and now he only goes outside. Put that report card on your refrigerator.

All I need to get him to do now is stop occasionally gnawing on my flip-flops. And on my niece and nephew. But those two little shits have it coming.