It’s Over, Johnny.

In lieu of kissing someone at midnight on tonight, throat punch them instead. Let’s send a message to 2020 we’re done taking this shit.

And with that, both my year and my vacation are over. I fly back to LA today. It always goes way too fast, my time in New York. Perhaps that’s a positive thing. I very much enjoyed it.

And remember: if you just got invited to do something today, on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled. Just saying.

In My Tummy.

They say if you love something you should set it free, but I didn’t think this pastrami sandwich would come back to me, so I just ate it.

Second to last day here. It’s gone quickly, but I leave with the satisfaction of being fatter than when I arrived.  

We Interrupt This Holiday.

My dad’s favorite part of vacation was to make us all feel bad for sleeping in.

It didn’t stick. I may wake up at 5:15 a.m. all year long, but when I’m in New York for Christmas, I make it all back up in 12-hour shifts.

Or so I thought, this week. I suddenly had an unexpected audition for a film on Christmas Eve. 11 pages of dialogue. Sleep be damned.

I put together a makeshift audition room in my mom’s office, removing paintings, moving a desk and cabinets, and used an A-frame ladder as a tripod. I went with natural light, and I must say it looked damn good, considering.

Then I had my friend Chuck, a New York actor who has had roles on “The Sopranos” and “Ray Donovan” run my iPhone camera and read lines opposite me. Chuck, I owe you forever.

I was really happy with my performance, sent it off, and then took a well-earned nap. Recommence showbiz vacation.

My Caddy.

Ask me which club I prefer, and my answer will always be “turkey,” but it is Christmas tradition that Ollie and I hit the links by our house Christmas day.

Also tradition: Ollie’s “hole in one” gag. Never gets old.

Wishing You All The Best Pitmas Ever.

Love,
My nephew, Santa, Ricky and me

Eat, Eat, And Be Merry. And Eat.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

My mom and I made our traditional trip to Stew Leonard’s to stock up on provisions, and it’s amazing that after all these years, they are at the very top of their game. Who could have imagined busting up cannoli shells and serving them with dipping cream? Stew!

No tummy is complete without them.

Flight. For The WIN.

Forget Mardi Gras, or Carnival, or running with the bulls – a still-empty overheard compartment after everyone has boarded is the ultimate once-in-a-lifetime sighting.

I had the pleasure of sitting behind the Bickersons on the flight – a wife who yelled at her husband because he didn’t think to take off his headphones and tend to her high-maintenance, skittish needs during some turbulence. Their young daughter was no surprise a loud brat. DON’T BE THAT COUPLE.

But I’m here, in New York, where it’s nice and chilly and I can turn my brain off for ten days. I slept 12 hours last night. Thanks, Santa.

Heading Home.

I asked my mom what she wanted for the holidays, and she said, “Surprise me.” Hope she likes her new pet python.

Tomorrow, I’m flying to see her in New York, and staying there for ten days. I’m mostly looking forward to hearing how much less she pays for gas there.

Also looking forward to loading up the house with food from Stew Leonard’s, going out with friends, seeing a play, and taking Ollie on our daily eight-mile walks. We both pee a little when we see each other.

Hope you’re spending next week with those who render you incontinent as well. Safe travels.

Making A Reservation For 1989.

Why have we been living in regular houses all this time when we could have been living in steakhouses?

As a holiday thank you to my good friend Ariel for all his help with my auditions, I figured I’d do the guy’s thing and take him out for a steak dinner. To which Ariel, right on brand, graciously refused. But then he said I should take him to Beefsteak Charlie’s. It was the most New York text ever sent.

Beefsteak Charlie’s was a chain that offered tiny, lousy $9 steaks, “all the shrimp you can eat,” and generous pours of sangria. You can imagine the consequences. We went there once as a family when I was in ninth grade. On the bathroom floor, someone had vomited up all the shrimp he could eat.

They ran commercials nonstop on local New York TV channels, featuring a rotund Charlie character and his nebbish of a nephew, and had a nice run until we New Yorkers came to our collective senses and 60 locations went belly up. E.coli-filled-belly up. 

That said, I will now figure out a classier, non-refundable way to thank Ariel. Perhaps the Ground Round.

Of Course Jesus Saves.

He’s Jewish.

He Is Killing It.

A friend went on a cruise, and when I asked how it went he said, “Well, I didn’t throw up,” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Also a good barometer: being in a hit movie. My friend Emil has a role in Ford v Ferrari, which I saw with mutual friends on Sunday, and we loved it. (And we brazenly “WOOED!” when Emil came on screen.) The picture above is of Emil in my sitcom pilot, playing my boss. He’s so earnest and perfect.

Sunday’s LA Times named Ford v Ferrari the best film of the year. That’s Emil, second from right. I got friends in the highest places.

Party Like It’s Nazareth.

My favorite part of company holiday parties is getting to meet coworkers’ dates and finding out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

And yet, I skipped an industry party Friday because I had a much better option: my friends Aina and Bru’s annual Christmas party. I got to see some of my favorite people, eat way too much food and show off all the dance moves I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.

Above are the people who stayed until the very end. (Everyone without kids.) Great group. We need to do this holiday thing more often.

Long Beach Champions.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter.

Sometimes, I take it out for some actual game action. We went 10-0, and I love this team.

I’ll Never Tire Of Shameless Promotion.

Sleeping Beauty is the only Disney movie in which the curse sounds amazing.

A good night’s rest was what we cast and crew desperately needed while shooting the soon-to-be TV movie DNA Killer. I snapped the above pic a week into the shoot, during an extra long, hot day in the Valley. Weary yes, but it still beats working for a living.

Seriously, don’t let our behind-the-camera exhaustion fool you – the film is a gripping thriller and I can’t wait until it airs. Coming in March.

Maryland Leftovers.

For winning the national championship in basketball, Maryland was awarded a Waterford crystal trophy. But it was sponsored by Sears, so it feels like it should have an autumn leaves portrait-background.

Straws kill turtles, so thank god my frat brother Brian didn’t have one in his drink as he high-fived the school mascot.

University of Maryland Fire Marshal Alan Sactor must have one bitch of a job counting the number people in the arena every night.

Others have copied, but we did it first: the flag drop. Here it is in action. It gives me wood:

NOTHING BETTER 😍#FearTheTurtle pic.twitter.com/D41tnqswQ1

— Maryland Basketball (@TerrapinHoops) December 5, 2019

Another One Of The Best Films Of The Year.

It seems like the best way to solve any mystery is to simply be the murderer.

Not the case in Knives Out. Everyone is a suspect. All eight members of a family. And Daniel Craig is a less shlubby Columbo-esque detective hired to crack this case. (He always seems to relish not playing the humorless James Bond – see him in the impossibly nutty Logan Lucky.)

The film is from Rian Johnson, who before he began directing Star Wars movies, wrote and directed two of my favorite films of all time: Brick and Looper. He continues to master every genre. Knives Out never takes itself too seriously. At one point, a detective says the house in which the murder took place “looks like the house from Clue.”

Can’t share any more. It’s a complex mystery and a very funny movie and see it soon so we can discuss. Okay? Okay.

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Pitmas.

I don’t know who’s worse – the people who sign their dogs’ names on Christmas cards, or the dogs who refuse to sign.

Ricky is always in the spirit. Even if he really doesn’t look like it.

No Expense Spared.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. Just blackmail them – it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Literal case in point: the promo piece sent to me by Amazon for “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” It’s a reproduction of a vintage travel cosmetic case that contains casino chips, drink coasters and a photo album that includes a full season’s DVDs.

Honestly, the cast was worthy of my SAG Award nomination without this. Plus I really only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes.

I’m A Giver.

The best part about my friends becoming parents is that if they make me mad, I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Being an elite gift-giver is a state of mind. I even take the price tags off the presents I give my dog. But as great as I think I am, no one can touch my friend Jenn. One of her superpowers is knowing the exact, best gift to give anyone.

Every year, when I want to give my agents something special for Christmas, I hit up Jenn and she nails it. Two years ago: Amazon Fire TV Sticks. Last year, Echo Dots. This year, I wanted to deviate from the electronics, so Jenn’s suggestion: eCreamery.

I chose eight top-shelf flavors of ice cream, and personalized the containers with a logo and a note from me. They’ll be arriving Monday.

Check out the site if you want to stand out. You just know all the other actors my agents represent are giving them Amazon and Starbucks gift cards. A thoughtful way of letting someone know this holiday season that you “grocery store checkout line” love them.

30 Seconds Of November.

I heard the average adult has sex 54 times a year. December is apparently going to be awesome.

November was nice, too. Here it is, one second per day:
 

One Of The Best Movies Of 2019.

Normally, adding “family” to a word sucks the fun out of it – family affair – but over the weekend, I saw a very good family movie.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. Mr. Rogers is actually more of a supporting player to Lloyd Vogel, a journalist assigned to interview Mr. Rogers for a fluff piece for Esquire, only to find himself undergoing a transformation.

Tom Hanks was very locked into Mr. Rogers and his philosophy of kindness. Tom found out last week that he’s a sixth cousin of Mr. Rogers, which in a way makes sense that the two nicest guys in showbiz are related.

There was a scene so sweet, I more than teared up. Thank god my nephew, who was sitting next to me, didn’t notice, or I’d never hear the end of it. Tip: see it with someone who practices his own philosophy of kindness. Trust me.

Holiday Highlights.

A long weekend with family in town – i.e., three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.

Luckily, not necessary for me. My mom was here, and it was nothing but nice. Here’s why:

We had dinner at two new restaurants – Chin Chin and Urban Plates – that opened in our neighborhood this week. So new, in fact, that the silverware was extra sparkling without having been shoved into a thousand diners’ mouths. (Yeah, I use a fork for Chinese food when I’m with family. For dates, I first watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks.)

This, plus rain all weekend. I think we can finally put the whole “Do you miss the change of seasons?” thing to bed.

71 days ‘til spring training. My nephew and I took out our frustrations out after our football teams lost.

Why have popcorn when you can bring Thanksgiving leftovers to the theater? We saw a great movie; more on that tomorrow.