Tuesday, March 11, 2014

You Can Sleep On My Floor Any Time, Dude.

If I died and went straight to Hell, it would probably take me two or three weeks before I realized I wasn’t in New York.

In the latest issue of New York magazine, Alec Baldwin wrote an article about why he’s quitting being in the public eye. And more importantly, leaving the city.

He’ll still act in movies, but he’s done with interviews and public appearances. And while he used to not love Los Angeles, Alec misses it and is coming back. He’s finally come to the same realization as the rest of us parolees: New York sucks shit.

It’s the most overrated city on the planet. The weather blows ass. (More inches of rain per year than Seattle.) The traffic is twice as bad LA. (Literally, three-lane highways vs. six.) The city is overcrowded and over-expensive and, save for my Yankees, just horrendous.

Every now and then, friends of mine who grew up in LA fall for New York’s hype, and have to go live there. All of them return. A friend of mine moved there recently, and is in a hurry to get the hell back to the beach. Every day something new disgusts her in NYC. She recently asked me why, at her fancy Manhattan gym, the women don’t groom themselves. I was stymied.

Poor New Yorkers don’t know any better. They’ve convinced themselves they’re in the epicenter of culture (you know, Rocky: The Musical), and that the horrendous weather, overcrowded subways, tiny apartments for $3500/month, irate coworkers and 12 rats to every person are normal. Life is rough; you gotta get through it. No thanks.

Alec Baldwin has grown tired of everyone in Manhattan being in his shit. Here’s some of what he had to say:

“I want the same thing everybody else wants. I want a happy home, and for the first time in my adult life, I have one. I love my wife more than anything in the world and I love my child more than anything else in the world and I don’t want that to change in any way. I probably have to move out of New York. I just can’t live in New York anymore. Everything I hated about L.A. I’m beginning to crave. New York has changed. I have to accept that. I want my newest child to have as normal and decent a life as I can provide. New York doesn’t seem the place for that anymore.” 

Come get your hug, sir.