Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• Yes, I wore the same shirt and tie in the audition that I’m wearing in my headshot. I feel shame.

• Yes, Pete Seeger sang “Where Have All The Flowers Gone?”, but who cares when we’ve got Glade Garden Retreat-scented Plug-Ins?

• On a daily basis, my dad told my brothers and me we were “no damn good.” I’ve got to say: it was unpleasant, but effective.

• Sometimes I wish I could “force quit” conversations with my neighbor.

• Geraldo Rivera looks and sounds like the 21st century is rejecting him like a bad organ transplant.

• When Barbra Streisand sings at the Oscars, homosexuality is canceled for the rest of the month.