• I hear in the movie Battleship, Rihanna’s forehead can be used as a floatation device.
• Print audition looking for real married couples. I'm laying 3 to 1 they wind up hiring actors who can actually act like they like each other.
• Leftover Olympic tweet: why do the wrestling referees wear the same suit I wore at my Bar Mitzvah?
• Meathead who went to high school with me: “Can't sleep. Got rehab for my post-op neck surgery at 9 am.” Me: “Since when did you get a neck? ”
• American New Year: avoid drunken assholes. Jewish New Year: go to temple. #TossUp
