Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• My friends and I are notorious credit-card splitters. We were most recently banned from Ink on Melrose. Try the halibut; don’t tell them you know me.

• I considered becoming a lawyer, but law school would have gotten in the way of my reaching the 50th level of Super Mario Brothers. Priorities.

• Unfortunately, a car is only the fifth-most embarrassing place I’ve been caught air drumming to Rush.

• The American dream is having someone ask you to gain weight for a role.

• I wish I’d only seen my dad once every couple years, but as a Jew he felt the need to stick around so he could criticize full-time.

• You know, country clubs really do judge you by what you wear. It’s why I never leave home without my Bedazzler.