Let’s Just Retire The Term “Genius” Right Now.

When I was taking improv training, my classmates and I were often asked to rant about any subject for two minutes. More often than not, the topics focused on shitbag roommates. You know the types: greedy-ass homies who help themselves to your bong, or your last rolling paper, snatch out of your roach stash, or drink the last of the Kool-Aid. Or so I’ve been told.

I suppose I’m lucky; the only complaint I have about my roommate is that he’s chewing on my flip-flop – while it’s on my foot – as I type this. But there’s great news for my classmates. Yesterday someone sent me a link to the all-new Ben & Jerry’s Euphori-Lock – a combination lock to keep roommates (and your kids, and your tubby husband) out of your rightful dessert. It’s only $5.50, and guaranteed to make the inventor a millionaire.

So there you go, classmates. Get yourself a Euphori-Lock pronto. Or better yet, get yourself your own apartments. You’re grown-ass men.