Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• Now, whenever I crank my Sony surround sound and the neighbors call the cops, I can write off the fine.

• Thanks so much for bringing me in for KFC. And for letting me eat twice my weight in Pirate Booty.

• Two simple words to help any jobless dad support his family through a tough time: “bake sale.”

• Negotiating over beef jerky in a gas station is a not only funny, but my breakfast ritual.

• Hope you had a good hiatus. But not so good that your streak of not vomiting ended.

• If wearing a badge makes me a target for violence, I’m totally covering up my Cub Scouts’ “Book Reader Activity” badge.