Monday, June 4, 2012

Kneel Before Neil.

In addition to writing this daily tripe, I also recap my team’s ballgames each week. We’re in the middle of a bad season and just lost to a super young team,so last night I broke out the tough love. I decided to post here what I wrote to my teammates, but before 80% of the women I know de-friend me on Facebook for it, I’d like to remind you a) I post a pretty uplifting Valentine’s post for you every year, b) You get to enjoy a rare glimpse into the sanctuary that is the men’s locker room, and c) I’m not misogynistic – I’m just playing the role of a guy who kinda is, strictly for motivation. (You bet I played that card.)

It’s been a shit week for the geriatrics. 49-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer got cut by the Rockies. Richard Dawson finally bought it. (You thought he was already dead. He wasn’t.) Even the Pacific Movie Theater in Manhattan Village went belly up.

And the inevitable caught up with our team, who seems to have traded in popping wood for popping up to second. There were no egregious errors against the Squids Sunday night – we just didn’t hit, and the Squids, defending champs, really did.

But there’s still hope. Some old guys still got it. Sunday’s Parade Magazine featured an article on Neil Diamond. At 71, the dude may be going through aerosol spray-on hair by the caseload and is ready to be fitted for a colostomy bag, yet he just married a hot, young blonde. Nice pull.

So here’s our new mantra: WWNDD: What Would Neil Diamond Do? Hit the batting cages? Talk out a song instead of sing? Take the field wearing bedazzled capes? Yes, yes and whatever the eff it takes.

There are eight games left to turn this bitch around. Do you want to spend them sleeping in separate bedrooms with your age-appropriate wife, or banging a tight, blonde vagina? Up to you.

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