Sleeping at my place for the first time, a woman I was dating got under the covers with me, smelled the fabric softener I use on my sheets and excitedly said, “It smells like my dad’s bed!” A redder flag has never been raised.Auditions come with a bevy of their own red flags. Here are the don’ts:
Don’t bring props. They’re way too distracting. For a restaurant scene, casting directors don’t need to see you eating real food you brought along with you. Just do the scene. And especially don’t bring dangerous props. CDs have had actors suddenly whip out real knives and guns. Surprise! Crazy actor!
Don’t mime. If the scene calls for you to knock on a door or ring a doorbell, just skip it. Driving? Sit and hold your lines as if it’s a steering wheel. Make sure whatever you’re doing has physical resistance. Don’t extend your pinky and thumb to make a phone call – use your real cell phone. And only use objects you’d actually have on you. Everyone has a purse or a messenger bag, a cell phone and possibly a bottle of water. Use the bag as luggage or a baby. Use the phone not only as a phone, but as a TV remote, etc. The bottle of water subs for any beverage or food.
Don’t show up in costume. When unconfident actors try to cloak their insecurities with costumes, it actually makes those insecurities come out blazing. No cop uniforms, no hospital scrubs, no fruit on your head. (A casting director told me this really happened, and his fellow casting directors laughed like hell when they saw her in the waiting room.) This whole thing is actually my own biggest pet peeve. See Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C.
Don’t be late. This is the easiest thing to get right. When CDs manage to corral producers to sit in on auditions, the time window is very narrow. And don’t show up late and get upset that the casting session is over. You effed up. Deal with it.
Don’t just market yourself to them for no reason. Send them post cards only when you book roles. Anything else is a 4”x6” reminder that you ain’t workin.
Never shake their hands. This is a big no-no. The last thing they want to do is contract your flu cooties. I once got burned by this in a crampt casting office as a CD opened the door to the audition room and seemed to extend his hand as he said hello. I thought I shouldn’t shake it, but he made the gesture and I worried if I didn’t I’d look like I was shining him off. I chose poorly, and put out my hand, to which he pulled back and said “Nope.” Try starting an audition sharing that special moment.
Don’t touch them during the audition. It doesn’t matter what the scene has you doing – don’t kiss them, don’t hug them, don’t even lean in near them. They are a no-fly zone.
Never ask them “Do you remember me?” Don’t do this whether you’re walking into the audition room or bumping into them out in public. There are way too many actors for CDs to always know who you are or where you’ve met. (Though they’ll certainly remember the douchey actor who embarrassed them with this needy question.)
Behave in the waiting room. Just the other day a CD told me that as she came out to check an audition sign-in sheet, an actress thought she was a fellow actress cutting ahead of her and snapped at her. Minutes later, when the angry actress entered the audition room and saw the CD sitting there, she tried to backpedal by telling the CD, “That dress is so cute on you!” Tell it walkin’, bitch.
My “Jerry Springer ‘Final Thought’”: Pet peeves can be the difference between booking a role and not. Know them and you’ll look like a pro, and alleviate any worry a CD may have that you won’t behave on the set, or will waste filming time trying to get your scene right. Auditions are nerve-wracking enough; the more seasoned and in control you look, the cooler you’ll look. And just like in the high school cafeteria, everyone wants to sit at the cool guy’s table, not the needy guy’s table. And you, my friends, are cool as shit.
