Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• It’s the role I’ve been preparing for (well, eating pizza like a pig for) my entire life.
• Excellent casting, by the way – drinking was my major in college (and clubbing was my minor.)
• For the record, the two-year warranty on my cigarette boat has already paid for itself.
• I think angling for a breakup in Home Depot is way tacky. It’s more of a Ross Dress for Less situation.
• I oughta put “bungling jobs” and “making women cry” under the special skills section of my résumé.