The Winter Games, which apparently are some sort of multi-sport event, begin Friday, and the most impressive stat of the whole shebang is the number of condoms delivered to athletes in the Olympic village: 60,000. It’s both extraordinary and rather sensible; if bringing home a gold medal is the ultimate honor, bringing home a Czechoslovakian STD has gotta be the ultimate booby prize.And who better than to wrap up this series of Olympic voiceover posts than a couple of Vancouver natives? As I’ve pointed out, all Canadians are the nicest people (not a theory, but a fact), and this was reinforced by both Shaun Sipos and Jessica Lucas, who both star in the new “Melrose Place.” I met them on the set of their show, and got big hugs the second I introduced myself. They were honored to record their voices, and then insisted I stay and eat dinner with the cast and crew. Mental note: if you really want to win me over, feed me. I’ll clean your septic tank for a ham sandwich.
Back to the Olympic sex for one second. I have a theory on how athletes can maximize their ability to hook up next week. First of all, choose a sport that finishes early on, so that you’ve still got ten days to get busy. I checked the schedule and it appears the Olympic gods are just begging you to get naked: luge is up first. It’s perfection. Really, how hard can it be to become a world-class luge dude? I imagine all you need to qualify is enough dough to purchase a sled. And you get to go down the mountain feet first so as not to mess up your face – only increasing your chances with the babes.
That settles it: I’m officially in training for Russia, 2014. Pardon me while I shave my privates.
