Leave Your Mark.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for him. 

But Ricky got in an admirable scratch on my nephew’s leg, and with that little shit’s mouth, Ricky earned himself a well-deserved low-five.

Pay No Attention To What’s In Front Of That Curtain.

The virus. Zero stars. Would not recommend. 

Show business shut down for six months – not great for auditioning – but luckily it’s back and mostly cooking. So I attended a workshop with a casting director from “General Hospital” over the weekend, only it took place on Zoom because we’re still quarantining. 

Because I use Zoom on my laptop and not my phone, I couldn’t use a tripod, but an actor is trained to use the space around him. I jerry-rigged a chair on top of an end table on top of a coffee table and it worked my-tee-fine. 

This is what the casting director saw. Don’t tell her I was in shorts and flip-flops in this business casual scene, please.

20 Days.

I was in Newport Beach yesterday and drove past the heliport from which Kobe Bryant took off before he and his daughter crashed and died in January. 

This was a shit year before it officially got shitty. Almost done.

An Excerpt.

If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it’ll probably be 70% me watching “The Office.” 

And now I’m reading about it, in Andy Green’s anthology “The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s.” It’s over 400 pages of thorough stories, including two from the first season, in which NBC dragged its heels renewing the show after greenlighting only six episodes. First from Kate Flannery, who played Meredith: 

I kept my restaurant job through the first season. I was a waitress at Kate Mantilini in Beverly Hills. Sometimes showrunner Greg Daniels would come in to talk to me. I’d be holding a tray of food and he’d be like, “I’ve got to talk to you about saying the word vagina. We’re going back and forth with the network on that, but really want to keep it.” 

And Jason Kessler, production assistant: 

My job that season was to drive around town and drop people’s scripts off at their houses. I very specifically remember going to John’s apartment in West Hollywood and he was playing video games with a friend. He invited me in to play. Normally, I would drop a script off at the door or I’d knock on the door and hand it to him, and someone would say, “Oh, thank you very much,” and just go into their house. John’s the only person who ever invited me in.

A Blue Christmas Without You.

Halfway through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the niece and nephew and realized I brought over the wrong Adventures in Babysitting DVD. 

That was a few years back, and luckily DVDs are now mostly a thing of the past. The only ones I watch these days are SAG Award screeners. Well, these days have been delayed. But because of this upside-down year, the awards have been moved from January to March, and even then they’ll be severely lacking entries. 

But at least we’re shut in with nothing but time. Happy holidays.

Parental Guidance.

Warning to my nephew: the life you are about to lead as a teenager contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. 

It was his idea when he recently visited to watch the HBO movie Seven Days in Hell, starring Andy Samberg. 

Let’s just say there’s a skosh of full-front male nudity, which made my nephew take full advantage of his hoodie. If there’s a better film endorsement, I’d like to see it.

Here’s What I Think Happened.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide. 

I was driving in Dallas and saw a giant funnel-shaped structure outside something called Great Wolf Lodge. I guessed it was a satellite dish attached to a hunting lodge and had to investigate. 

I was way off. It’s an amazing indoor water park. The structure outside is part of a slide that runs outside the building. Kids ran amok, having the time of their young lives. Ultra cool.

On my way home, colorful stitches of clothing were scattered on the road, and here’s what I think happened: a parent who brought his/her kids and several of their friends to Great Wolf Lodge finally wrangled them after a long, overwhelming afternoon, and in his/her haste, got the hell out of Dodge but left a bag of wet bathing suits on top of the car. A bonehead move but understandable. Any one of us would have run toward daylight.