Come On, Inglewood Guy.

At least wait until sundown to tag that wall.

Hypothesis.

After a meeting yesterday, I passed by this office, and for a brief moment I wondered if in a shrewd cost-cutting move, Tom Sizemore purchased himself a law firm to handle all the shit he gets into.

Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• When I meet someone who’s smart and funny, but they think they’re smart and funny, they no longer appear smart or funny.

• Frederico, my hair psychic, is always saying how down to earth I am.

• Never eat at a chain restaurant while on vacation.

• My friend Daniel was being weird, and in that I mean he wasn’t being weird.

• Alcohol makes people sad. It’s like the Lifetime movie of beverages.

• My goal is to become as smooth as the Hulu voiceover guy sounds.

My Favorite New TV Show.

I fully believe “America’s Got Talent” was created to stop people from watching “America’s Got Talent.”

Oh, by the way, America apparently doesn’t got grammar.

Yes, it’s a total piece of shit. All reality shows are. But the good news is, there are many great shows–scripted shows!–to enjoy. And I LOVE the new sitcom “Animal Practice.”

We need more whacked-out comedies like “Night Court” and “Arrested Development” that are so preposterous they oughta be animated. This show is hilarious.

And I’m not just saying it because two of my friends are involved. Scot Armstrong, the executive producer, went to grad school with me, and of course my hero, Crystal the Capuchin monkey, plays one of the leads. (Scot, by the way, wrote Old School, and then wrote The Hangover Part II, in which Crystal starred.) Also a bonus for us Yankee fans: the female lead is Nick Swisher’s wife, Joanna.

A new episode airs tonight. In the meantime, click above for last week’s cold open, in which Justin Kirk, who plays Dr. George Coleman, a vet who loves animals but just can’t deal with humans, gets ready for his day with his pal, Dr. Rizzo.

The Official Anti Neck Tattoo Spokesperson.

Hottest day of the year in LA, and Vons checkout guy has to wear a turtleneck under his shirt and tie.

How I Spent My Carmageddon. By Matthew Shevin.

Perfect burger consuming at Simmzy’s.

Tie shopping at CVS.

Misleadingly-labeled bottled water drinking at Lemonade.

Church trespassing.

Sunset gazing.

And I Once Sectioned A Grapefruit.

Saw this in a Sherman Oaks storefront, carved from one solid tree.