I Wouldn’t Say No.

You know who I think I'm more important than? Pretentious people.

But apparently to others, I’m just part of the herd that clogs up the parking lots of casting offices all over town. You know casting offices, right? They’re the places that make their money from “talent” like me, when we book their TV shows, movies and commercials.

Hey, isn’t George Clooney “talent?” Does he have to park ten blocks away on the hottest day in Los Angeles history? Get back to me on that.

But I digress. I understand casting directors have to appease producers and directors maybe more than us actors, and give them access to spots next to their buildings. But maybe they could let us know in a slightly less demeaning way.

And if I can digress a little further, maybe it’s a good thing you throw yet one more obstacle in my career path daily, to let me decide if I really want to pursue this, or just think I do.

Decided already. I definitely do.

"Goliath was the best thing that ever happened to David." – Doug Weed

Real Los Angeles Heroes.

Here’s to you, Guy Sporting a Toupee With the Top Down.

You defy belief. And the laws of physics.

Earmuffs!

Whenever the young kids on the street where I grew up in New York were making a ruckus, my mom always referred to them as the “midgets.” I thought about this yesterday, in a casting office on the west side, as I waited alongside a bevy of them for an audition.

The office was divided into several rooms featuring a few different auditions, including one that called for irate drill sergeants. The casting director must have instructed the sergeants to play loose with the language, and that, coupled with the place’s thin walls meant some priceless looks on the faces of all the Hollywood moms.

To say there was an epic amount of cursing would be a compliment to the “Iliad.” Best Monday ever.

Just Call Me “The Cleaner.”

I mention my disdain for Jeff Zucker, and not 21 months later the man is fired.

And here I thought my blog didn't amount to a hill of Cocoa Puffs.

But wait, Matt, do you really think you’re the reason why a 24-year NBC exec suddenly got shitcanned? Why yes, because I blogged about a sketchy chicken joint’s inspection grade just last month:

And here’s how it looked this past Saturday:

So if you need something (or someone) bumped off, you know where to find me.

Oh TV, Where Did We Go Wrong?

The only scenario that would get me to watch a reality show is if the producers held my dog hostage and that was their one demand. And even then, I'd spend two hours agonizing over whether to do it.

Why? In a nutshell, the following casting call:

“Mistress Intervention”
Reality TV

Is your family member or friend dating a married man? Do they feel there is nothing wrong with it, but you feel like they are making the biggest mistake of their life?

We’re currently casting a new series for a major Cable Network intended to help break the “mistress” cycle. Our intention is to take women who date married men and show them that there is a better life, man and future awaiting them!

$500 referral fee.

Thanks For The Love.

I didn’t get the John Deere gig. But I was so overwhelmed by the good thoughts and well-wishes that I'm going to make love to all of you.

Wait, that's a punishment. How about I buy you a sandwich? Deal.

The Best Film Of The Year.

What’s worse than a studio now planning to remake The Wizard of Oz? Another studio is also planning to remake another Wizard of Oz.

Could the asteroid kindly plow into the Earth now, please?

Actually, hold that thought, because there are still great, classic, originals being made. And The Town is one of them.

That Ben Affleck would direct it so well is not surprising, considering he hit a home run in his first attempt with Gone, Baby Gone. It’s all part of the re-education by which we stop thinking of Ben as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive and realize he is smart and curious. His second movie is not only intriguing as a story but great to look at, with action sequences that’ll make your hands sweat. Ben Affleck is the new Martin Scorsese.

F the remakes. See The Town. This weekend.