Air Crafted.

Christmas decorating 101: putting fake snow on Halloween decorations.

But LAX is in the accelerated program, putting snowflakes on the giant signage by the airport. For real. Check them out closely — the flakes are comprised of airplane shapes. Bar set.

An Excerpt.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate. 

But that’s just me. Bryan Cranston’s experience was different. I’m a third of the way through his autobiography, and it’s fascinating. Dig this: when Bryan was in high school, he worked odd jobs to help his mom make ends meet. At one point, he worked for a very stodgy house painter, who one night had a strange request. He picked up Bryan in his truck and pulled up to a fence behind a home. He handed Bryan a brown paper bag filled with something, and asked him to stand up in the back of the truck and toss it over the fence into a pool. Here’s Bryan’s recap:

I took a deep breath and I tossed it high into the air. It felt good. It looked good. It WAS good! Right in the middle of the pool. I scampered down and got into the truck’s cab, and Jim drove off. I asked for an explanation. Jim nodded and smiled. “Inside the bag was dried India ink,” he said. When the paper got saturated and fell apart, the powder would expand and bloom and spread throughout the pool, finally settling on the plaster siding and bottom and permanently staining it. The owners would have to drain the pool and sandblast the entire surface to remove it. He explained that he’d painted that house nearly a year ago. He’d tried again and again to get them to pay, but no dice. This was his way of closing the account.  

On another occasion, Jim picked me up and we went to a small market, where he grabbed six whole mackerels. We drove to an unoccupied two-story modern in the Hollywood Hills. Jim told me to grab the ten-foot ladder as he retrieved a hidden key from a planter near the back door. He pointed to a spot on the middle of the upstairs hall, and told me to climb up the ladder and open an air-conditioning intake grill. As I did, I looked down and saw Jim removing the wax paper from the mackerel.  

He calmly instructed me to throw the first one inside the AC ducting as far as I could. We heard it slide maybe twenty feet away. He handed me another fish and told me to send it down a different duct. I threw three fish in three directions, then we moved downstairs to another intake and I repeated the steps. As we drove away in silence, I couldn’t stand it anymore, and asked what it had all been about. “No other fish stinks like mackerel when it rots,” he said. They’d only expunge the smell by replacing the air conditioning ducts and compressors. The whole system. It was another nonpayment situation. I asked if he ever tried small claims court. He smiled wider than I’d ever seen him smile. “We just did.”

Sacrilicious.

Way to keep it “authentic”, Agra Tandoori Indian restaurant in Tarzana.

Bloody Yes.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 242 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you.

In fact, I’ll thank them in person. You see, every summer my friends and I pick a city to I meet and see our Yankees play a road series, and this June, the Yanks play the Red Sox in London. We’re going.

Even better, the day after the series ends, Wimbledon begins, which we plan on attending as well. I believe the key to happiness is always having things to look forward to. Done and done.

31 Seconds Of October.

In the entire month of October, I only beat the shit out of two motion-activated skeletons at store entrances.

That’s a good month. And here it is, one second per day:
 

Fitting.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

That pretty much defines my wardrobe. If you’ve met me, you know I like the fancy shirts. And when I bought the above one online, I liked the cuffs, even though I couldn’t quite make out the design. 

Then the shirt arrived, and I loved it. It’s an image of the “fake” landing on the moon, complete with cameras, crew, and stage lights. With Neil Armstrong so strongly on my mind after I loved First Man, it’s perfect. Happily sporting it soon.

Trick-Or-Treater Greeter.

Life hack: just give your next-door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in your kid’s trick or treat bucket on Halloween, so you can go home after one house.

It was a very nice night. It combines Ricky’s two favorite things: kids, and giving out Nerds.