Santa Photo Outtakes.

 

2013 Deaths That Sucked.

I’ve often said I’d like to die by assassination. But how about my funeral arrangements? Easy: just crank “Highway to Hell.” Which I’d also like played at my wedding.

Here are last year’s losses that saddened me most:

Conrad Bain. He was last generation’s Angelina Jolie.

Bonnie Franklin. She starred in “One Day At A Time,” and now she’s gone. So much for living in the moment.

Roger Ebert. His review of North etched in his tombstone.

Jonathan Winters. Responsible for one of my favorite quotes: “I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.”

Jean Stapleton. She rolled the dice – turning down the roll of Mike Teevee’s mom in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to shoot the pilot of “All in the Family” – and won.

James Gandolfini. Losing a fellow Jets fan hurts more than anything.

Gary David Goldberg. From a story I read about him: Gary created “Family Ties and “Spin City,” and was so thankful that someone had mentored him when he was a young writer that at the 2001 Austin Film Festival “he offered the audience – chock full of hungry writers desperate for an opportunity to be recognized – his personal telephone number. He instructed everyone to write it down so that they would have someone to encourage them not to quit in those hours of solitude and doubt so common to our constituency.”

Dennis Farina. Saw him in an LAX bathroom once, and got serious stage fright.

Hal Needham. He directed Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper, Death Car on the Freeway, Smokey and the Bandit II, The Cannonball Run, Stroker Ace and Cannonball Run II, which makes him the Scorsese of white trash.

Marcia Wallace. When her character, Mrs. Krabapple, the teacher on “The Simpsons,” was asked to control Bart, she replied: “I tried, but he’s uncontrollable. Frowny stickers mean nothing to him.”

Paul Walker. I always root extra hard for charitable celebrities to do well so they can keep giving their money away. (Keanu Reeves is amazing at this.) He’ll be extra missed.

Peter O’Toole. If Lindsay Lohan’s liver could speak, it would sound like Peter O’Toole in the 70s.

Weekend Recap.

At Black Market Liquor Bar on Friday night, I shook my head over the gluten-free beer options. But hey, I understand – for people with a gluten allergy, it’s kind of like Kryptonite, except Superman didn’t find a way to mention it in every conversation… Also went to the Den of Hollywood, which isn’t as masochistic as it sounds, seeing as I had a yummy grilled cheese whose secret ingredient was squash puree… It was the fourth day of the New Year, and already I was up early on a Saturday at a casting workshop. When I’m not anxious, I’m anxious about it… Fighting a cold, and I got carded buying Sudafed yesterday. Super flattered that I look smart and mature enough to be a meth cook.

Was It A Knuckle Sandwich?

The 13th Great Film Of 2013.

If you think money doesn’t buy happiness, you are dead wrong. Jordan Belfort not only purchased a yacht with a helicopter on top of it, he achieved the ultimate happiness by trading up to a non-Jewish wife.

He had the best of everything: drugs, hookers, cars, a staff of servants. He was downright giddy. Meanwhile, I’m just hoping to someday become happy enough to hold my coffee with both hands.

The Wolf of Wall Street is Scorsese through and through. I love that he doesn’t do things the easy way, and he had to have worked his ass off to make this film. It’s two hours and 59 minutes long. And Leonardo Dicaprio is in almost every scene, amped up, addicted, exhausted. He’s amazing.

The fact that it’s a true story makes it all the more riveting. People lived like this! They did coke and banged chicks and didn’t hesitate for a second to take you for a ride. And if you think they’re really bad, just wait until Scorsese and DiCarprio get through with you.

Day-Old Thoughts About My Flight Back.

Best way to make a flight seem twice as fast? Four episodes of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” the best new show on TV. If you don’t access to a TV, a fistful of beta blockers will do in a pinch… It takes me about 25 minutes to pack a suitcase, but I still always block out four hours for it… I was reading in the in-flight magazine that some airlines are banning babies from first class. This is great, because I hate when babies give me that smug look as I walk through to coach.

RIP 2013. 2013-2013.

I only have one New Year’s resolution: to find myself a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Actually, I have a lot of great stuff in the works, and I’m excited to shoot and post a whole bunch of new things. Yeah, it’s gonna be a kickass year.

I gotta give a lot of credit to 2013 – it was my second favorite year ever (2012 edged it out only because I got a new puppy and took a trip to the Philippines.) But I’m on a streak that I don’t plan on interrupting.

Enjoy the day off. Starting tomorrow, let’s get after it.