I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.
–Lies I’ve told cops.
It’s a two-way street. (No pun intended.) The judge presiding over my impending jury duty informed us that a detective would be testifying, and wanted to know: do you think law enforcement always tells the truth, or is capable of lying?
Each juror took an inordinate amount of time answering this simple question. On the third day of trying to assemble these “peers,” I realized what I needed to say:
“Your honor, I hope this doesn’t affect my chances of serving on this case – because I really want to – but in this very building a police officer lied in my presence. Ten years ago, I rolled through a stop sign while going about three miles per hour. While I admit I was in the wrong, I came here for traffic court, hoping the officer wouldn’t show. He showed alright, and told the judge I was going 30 miles per hour. Cops lie. I don’t think the detective will in today’s case, and again, I really want to serve, but you asked and I’m answering.”And just like that, I was thanked for my service and dismissed. Thank Jesus. More importantly, thank that shitbag coward of a cop who hides behind stop signs waiting to ruin people’s days, only to then commit perjury, because ten years later it got me out of serving on a jury. Much appreciated, asshole.
