Because Abraham Lincoln and Perry Como.

Sorry, but Abe didn’t slay all those vampires to wind up like this.

The most dangerous drinking game ever would be to down a shot every time a woman posts a photo on Instagram in front of the bean. As a dude, I refused to be in this pic.

How have I been cutting carbs? Mostly with a knife or a pizza slicer. Deep dish at Lou Maltnati’s.

Like a boss. Only one guy in the entire ballpark had better seats for game two: the incredibly cool team photographer.