Wednesday, August 24, 2016

So This Is How I Die.

Of all the horrible ways to die, I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

I’m gonna go quickly – at a high speed that is – with my newest toy. My electric Razor scooter was fun for a while, but I began to yearn for more. The breaking point came on July 4th, when I rode it down the strand to a party, and afterward, it ran out of juice, and I had to push it all the way home.

My neighbor, who has a fleet of scooters and motorcycles, warned me not to fall into the trap of wanting stronger, faster, more powerful. But that’s exactly what I did. Last night, it arrived: the limited-edition, Hyper Racing Gold 2000 scooter. 2000 watts. It goes 40 miles an hour. I took it out for a ride and it hauled ass. I passed cars.

Unlike the Razor, whose charge only lasts 40 minutes, the 2000’s lasts ten miles. And it’s not just fun – it’s practical. I can give my SUV an occasional break, because I have the Tesla of scooters. It has a key ignition, and a super strong headlight and taillight, and a really loud horn. And, unlike the Razor, it has so much torque that getting up the hills by the beach is no longer a problem. It’s actually made to go off-road. I love it.

I woke up this early morning and raced it down PCH, and it was the closest feeling an adult could have to Christmas morning. At the very least, I’m going to break a wrist. Eh – ride and/or die.

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