Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• Have you ever gone back to using your old smartphone? It’s like one of those painful last stands in romances – the goodbye lunch – when you both know you’ve moved on.

• One of my friend’s office fantasies involves a coworker walking by his desk while he’s actually working.

• What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky. Just kidding... drugs. She ate drugs.

• May I never, ever send a screenshot of a conversation to the person whose conversation I just took a screenshot of, amen.

• I’m tired of things costing money.

• Women prefer guys who are polite, but also in charge. Which is why, after I open the car door, I always push their heads down “perp style.”