Once Again, Out-Of-Context Thank-You Notes I’ve Recently Written To Casting Directors.

• There’s nothing wrong with still taking Flintstones Vitamins. Except I believe I can stop my car with my feet.

• If Romeo and Juliet happened today, Romeo would make a mix MP3, send two texts, and then wait three days before inviting her to an informal group hang.

• I mean, why go outside when you have windows?

• If I ever get married, my celebrity “free pass” list will consist of Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, and three aunts famous for layer dip.

• I feel less anxiety trying to explain to my landlady what I do for a living than I do making eye contact with a waiter listing specials.

• “Oh, yeah.” – me, remembering Iowa exists.