• If Seth MacFarlane didn’t host the Oscars, he would’ve ragged on Seth MacFarlane hosting the Oscars.
• Tommy Lee Jones was looking to win the Oscar for not giving a shit about the Oscars.
• I prepared for the Oscars by judging and resenting people more successful than me. Going great so far.
• I realize now that my kryptonite is Oscar musical numbers.
• As a tribute to Zero Dark Thirty, how bitchin’ would it have been if they had included Bin Laden’s picture in the “In Memoriam” reel.
• I bet Spielberg had to be talked out of letting Lincoln live at the end.
• I was about to get really upset about Catherine Zeta Jones lip-synching, but then I remembered that I’m not a gay hair dresser in Atlanta.
