This Week In @mattshevin Tweets.

• (ABOVE) Your secret identity is safe with me, ’86 Honda Civic owner.
• Bangs are the female cop equivalent of a mustache. #butch
• To all nutjobs outside Whole Foods: not sure if your tepees have high speed, but I will never sign anything for you, #Twitter=HandyTimeSaver
• NPR’s production values are slightly below homemade porn.
• When I’m on death row for killing a reality TV exec, my last meal will definitely include crab wontons from Chan Dara.
• Goal this football season: keep my bookie from quitting his day job at Edible Arrangements.