There were so many great stories in the news last week that I couldn’t determine which was the best. One of my brackets featured two of America’s sweethearts: Bernie Madoff getting his ass kicked in prison (Somebody FedEx a carton of smokes to his attacker), vs. 100 romantic texts from Tiger Woods released right after he announced he was returning to golf. (Somebody FedEx a carton of smokes to his attacker – Elin.) It was a slugfest that could only be compared to Balboa-Creed 2.But the winner, by technical knockout, proved that TiVo + time = comedy: I finally got to watch Oprah’s day-after Oscars episode, in which she interviewed the winners at the Kodak Theater. It was such a horrendous ass-kissing that after five minutes, I was forced to either delete it, or fling my own feces at the screen.
But before I could reach for my poop – I mean the remote – Oprah brought out Sandra Bullock and cut to a clip of her Oscar win, in which Bullock shares a moment with, then kisses and contracts some serious skank cooties from Jesse James. Cut back to the interview, and Sandra mentions how “normal” she and Jesse are, and how up next for her was going back to Texas, and her life of picking up the kids from school.
While you’re at it, Sandy, pick yourself up some Valtrex, too.
