This week, CBS and ABC decided to boycott the “Jay Leno Show,” discouraging their stars from appearing on the new primetime talk show that has helped NBC eliminate hundreds of jobs for writers and cast and crew members who would otherwise be employed in the production of five one-hour series.It’s official: I want to have a threesome with CBS and ABC.
They can both come over my apartment and I’ll start by making them dinner. I fry up a pizzawich, which goes very well with a twelve-pack of Zima. Then we can all snuggle on the couch and watch lots of phenomenal programming, like the “Mentalist,” or “Private Practice.” Perhaps “CSI: Miami.” Or “Castle.” They’re all great foreplay.
Then, at 11 p.m., we can retreat to my bedroom, and my cozy full-size bed for the real festivities. Then at 11:05 we can return to my couch and hold each other while we watch great local news on KCBS or KABC, and talk about how local NBC 11 o’clock news ratings across the country are down 17% since Leno was moved to prime time.
Then I’ll send them on their way after they promise to text me that they've gotten home safe. And I’ll reply to those texts, right after I shower and change the sheets.
I assure you this won’t just be a one-night stand. I’ll ask them both to move in, and it’ll be nice having company all the time. The toilet seat will never need warming.
*SIDE NOTE: I realized as I posted this that my mom reads my blog every day. Then I realized my mom also watches Leno. I’m so full of conflicting thoughts. I guess I’ll let my therapist sort them out.
