In my blog entry on Monday, I mentioned being broken hearted over George Clooney’s engagement, which prompted this email:
Matthew–
What you wrote in your blog about George Clooney may make people think you’re gay.
–Mom
This isn’t the first time this has happened. I may have even expected it. If your mother doesn’t get your humor, you’re definitely doing it right. By the way, I wonder if Joel McHale’s mom chimed in when he posted the above pic Monday night.
Mom, I understand you only messaged me because you love me and worry about me, but it’s not necessary. Even if I were gay, I wouldn’t have to cover it up; it’s more difficult to convince people you actually are gay. You know, like everyone believes Magic Johnson contracted HIV from a woman.
And so what if I were? It might be a boon for an actor. Neil Patrick Harris and Zachary Quinto are crushing it right now. I even have an idea for a screenplay about an actor who tries to ignite his career by floating a rumor that he’s gay. (Consider me just typing that sentence a copyright on the premise.)
But Mom, just in case the two sports references I made along with the George Clooney line on Monday didn’t make it entirely clear that I’m staight, here you go:
Attention all casting directors, directors and producers: I, Matt Shevin, am a straight, heterosexual actor. I’m so straight I place my hands on my hips when I piss. I’m so straight I’ve been searching for a plastic nut sack for my SUV’s trailer hitch. If I ever hug a dude, it’s only to use his shirt as a napkin. I won’t even play the post in a basketball game, because I refuse to be down low in any way. And I miss my mullet.
There you go. Happy early Mother’s Day.
