My Namesake.

My friends Mark and Michelle, a super cool couple who lovingly refer to me as “Shev,” adopted a dog over the weekend. In a flattering, slight nod to me, they named him Chevy. That’s him on the right, adjusting to his new brother, Luke.
Before they could get Chevy home, he slipped out of Mark’s SUV and a lengthy chase ensued, culminating in the little guy going medieval on Mark’s face. Sorry about that, Mark. Now I'm more mortified than flattered.

Kickass Underrated Cool-Guy Actor Sighting Of The Month.

Luke Wilson.
James Beach, Venice, last night.

Anatomy Of A Meltdown.

By now, unless you’ve been living under a rock – or you’re my mother – you’ve heard about Christian Bale fuh-lipping on the set of Terminator Salvation. A few thoughts:

1) Men get their periods, too. As much, if not more than women. Your best bet to put the kibosh on a conniption: feed us.

2) When in doubt, blame the penis. I suspect Christian may have been trying to show off in front of his cute co-star, Brice Howard. Probably not the best way into her pants. Plus she’s married.

3) This ain’t yelling, and I know yelling. I've worked enough day-jobs under enough male C-words to pronounce Christian’s hysterics as rather pedestrian. By the way, luckily for my “superiors,” we parted ways long before I became the proud owner of a Glock 23.

Can we please move on to more presing world issues? Like Olympic swimmers who smoke reefer.

Make It A Baker’s Dozen.

Turns out I loved 13 movies released in 2008, not ten. Not a bad year, making for one hell of an Oscar showdown. Cue the Ennio Morricone music.

Three more for the list:

1) The Wrestler. I thought Brad Pitt had clinched best actor. But Mickey Rourke goes to places physically and emotionally that are even more special. And this flick will make you appreciate how well-off you are.

2) Hamlet 2. Seemed to me to be a funky premise, but I really loved it. The entire movie is smart and funny and a definite must-see.

3) Bottle Shock. Terrific true story about Napa emerging in the 70s as serious competition for French vineyards. And my friend Deborah has a role in it.

Just When I Think I Am Out…

Yesterday, I was at the dry cleaner picking up my Kabbalah bracelet when my agent called about an audition for a Home Depot commercial. I had two questions: what time, and is there any nudity.

While I’m quite convinced I actually heard her rolling her eyes, the woman is thrilled with me because I’ve been on a roll getting callbacks for auditions lately.

Daniel Hoff is a top agency, and if their clients aren’t getting a callback at least once for every ten auditions, they’ll dropkick them to the curb. I’ve had four in my last five. Dig it.

Just call me the Callback King. It’s not as good as being “The Decider,” but it’s close.

Painful Mistakes.

I have no power in Hollywood yet. I’m not even the most popular name in my apartment (Pete’s Q-rating dwarfs mine.) Someday I will however, and when I do, I hope to steer my career correctly and not turn down great roles like the following bunch, including the dozen or so who declined the lead role in Misery:

Warren Beatty: the lead in Misery, one of the leads in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Burt Reynolds’ role in Boogie Nights, Nick Nolte’s role in Down and Out in Beverly Hills, Sean Connery’s role in The Rock, Robert Redford’s role in The Sting, and Gordon Gecko in Wall Street.

Dustin Hoffman: the lead in Misery.

Robert De Niro: the lead in Misery, and wanted too much money for the lead in Big.

Al Pacino: the leads in Misery, Kramer vs. Kramer, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Pretty Woman and Taxi Driver. Turned down Han Solo, and Gene Hackman’s role in Crimson Tide. He lost out on the lead role in Slapshot because he thought director George Roy Hill was being "facetious" when he asked if he could ice skate.

Kurt Russell, Nick Nolte, and Christopher Walken all also turned down Han Solo in Star Wars.

Harrison Ford: the leads in Misery, Big, JFK and Jurrassic Park; George Clooney’s role in The Perfect Storm, and Nicholson’s role in Terms of Endearment.

I think you get the Misery riff, but for the heck of it, the role was also turned down by Robert Redford, Gene Hackman, Michael Douglas and Kevin Kline. And Anjelica Huston turned down the Kathy Bates role.

Mickey Rourke: Nick Nolte's role in 48 Hours, Tom Cruise's part in Rain Man, Eliot Ness in The Untouchables and Bruce Willis' part in Pulp Fiction.

Molly Ringwald: Vivian in Pretty Woman and Molly in Ghost.

Mel Gibson: Maximus in Gladiator, and the lead in The Terminator. Shockingly, he wanted the lead in Schindler’s List, but Spielberg thought a major star would be too distracting.

Melanie Griffith: Thelma in Thelma and Louise.

Will Smith: turned down Neo in The Matrix to star in Wild Wild West.

Cary Grant: declined the chance to be the original James Bond.

Dave Chappelle: turned down the role of Bubba in Forest Gump.

Burt Reynolds: the lead in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Blazing Saddles was originally supposed to star John Wayne and Richard Pryor instead of Gene Wilder and Cleavon Little.

Steve McQueen: turned down a role in Butch Cassidy because costar Paul Newman refused to give him top billing. Declined the lead in The French Connection (Gene Hackman won an Oscar for it) and had a non-negotiable asking price of $3 million for the lead in Apocalypse Now.

Sean Connery: Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, Morpheus in The Matrix.

John Voight: the lead in The Shining.

Robert Redford: the lead in The Graduate.

Michelle Pfeiffer: the leads in Pretty Woman, Silence of the Lambs and Bugsy.

Val Kilmer: turned down Denzel’s role in Crimson Tide, the lead in Dirty Dancing, and Neo and Morpheus in The Matrix.

Scarfin'.

I’m a fat man trapped in a thin man’s body. I’m also a lesbian trapped in a straight dude, and a free-range cow trapped in a studio apartment.

And I got my fat cow on with fervor yesterday during my friend Al’s Super Bowl party. I’m still on carb-denial for my new film (the camera is being repaired) but that didn’t deter me from lapsing into a Terri Schiavo-esque food coma by eating my weight in shredded pork, beef and chicken.

I’m 90% responsible for the above empty tins. And the six months I shaved off my life. Worth it.