An Early Candidate For Beating Of The Year.

Yesterday, I had an audition for a Swedish company that was looking for real musicians (I’m a drummer, btw) to play to a track in a commercial.

While signing in for the audition, an actor asked me if he could borrow my drumsticks when his turn came up. I told him he absolutely could, and he mentioned that another actor had denied his request, claiming his “agent told him not to lend out his sticks.”

I’ve talked about the misleading notion that actors are selfish and cutthroat a few times here, and then this winner had to go ahead and piss on my claim.

I don’t believe in karma, or “what goes around” nonsense. But I do believe that if I ever bump into this selfish J.O. at another audition, first I will do everything in my power to beat him out for the role, then I’ll meet him outside the casting office for a chat.

Happy rest of the weekend.

Three Bills.

300 entries. And my mom, guidance counselor, dry cleaner and parole officer said I’d never amount to anything.

My five favorites since number 200:

It’s Not Always Sunny In Los Angeles. I'd personally prefer to die via assassination. Relive the festivities here.

All My Rowdy Friends Are Here On Monday Night. Four days after my neighbor’s performance, I ran into my own fun in a more urban setting. Put the hammer down here.

Just Proving My Point. Which came first: the chicken or my rant? It’s a tie. Allow Spanky to demonstrate here.

Let Me Get This Straight. Mental note: get your facts together, then salute. Retract that flip-off here.

An Open Letter To My Dog’s Vet. Come to think of it, this could have been an all-visual entry. Go bombs-away here.

It Ain’t Equus, But I’m In.

Regarding yesterday’s entry, it’s true: disgust can be kind of gratifying. And as much as I hate to disturb a bad mood, I have some good news regarding Broadway (you may return to your comfort drinking presently.)

Will Ferrell has opened a one-man show called You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush. It’s an intermissionless show featuring Will as George Bush, reminiscing about the last eight years. HBO will air a live performance in March.

Urge to kill: lessening. You’re off the hook for a couple of months, Broadway.

People Who Could Use A Good Shoe Thrown At Them: An Ongoing Series.

They mess up, and I send ‘em a message with a Cole Haan to the noggin. Feel free to play along.

Today’s target: the folks who are single-handedly destroying Broadway by creating Shrek The Musical. Broadway used to be the bastion of original ideas. Now it caters to mouth-breathing tourists with nonsensical children’s movies converted into “art.”

Shrek the Musical? I got the left shoe reserved for David Lindsay-Abaire, who wrote the lyrics, and the right aimed at Jeanne Tesori, who wrote the music.

The folks who bring us Legally Blonde and Mama Mia on Broadway should consider themselves on orange alert, because they’re next.

Have Fun, Fatty.

“What do you guys think? I could wear a t-shirt,” I said, to my co-star and the director of my new film as we talked wardrobe on Thursday. “You should go shirtless,” they both replied.

Nice try, Shevin.

At that very moment, the Weekend From Hell was officially underway. I'd written a bedroom scene, and now I was going to pay for it with four days of beating myself into shooting shape.

I immediately went into DEFCON 4: no carbs, no fat, no sodium. When I wasn’t starving myself, I ate 84 scrambled egg whites. I hit the elyptical until my butt was in spasm. By Sunday morning, I had lost nine lbs., and my mind. I had hallucinations – and not the good kind. If I could just… make it… through… Sunday…

Then the director called Sunday night, and told me his camera was malfunctioning. Shoot postponed. The saga continues.

One thing’s for certain: my next film’s gonna be about a guy who wears a moo moo.

Act Now.

There is no fast-track to acting success. No microwave. No E-Z Pass. No 12-items-or-less lane. No more references I can google for this.

But there are people who can make you believe in yourself, find your voice and move you that much closer to your dream. One of my favorites is Jim Gleason. Stellar actor, rocker, way stellar acting teacher.

Before Jim became my friend, he was my acting teacher. He taught at a very prestigious acting studio here in LA, and now he’s on his own. Details here.

Jim’s methods are bonafide, because he’s also a very successful working actor, with roles on shows like “ER”, “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Cold Case”. He acted opposite Robert Duvall in The Apostle.

Here’s Jim in a nutshell: one day I was struggling with a scene in his cold-reading class. Jim was behind the camera, reading opposite me, when he stopped and sat me down. He said, “I know what’s wrong here – you’re nervous. Stop worrying what the rest of the class will think later when we watch this scene. All you need to do is have fun with this, and at the end of the day, when you get into bed and recap your day, you’ll think, ‘I was good today. And that’s all that matters.’ That’s how you should view acting. In fact, I think that’s how you should view all of your life.”

I haven’t been nervous once in an audition since then.

If you join Jim’s class, give him a big “helllooooo” for me. It’s our thing.

Nicknames People Have Called Me This Week.

Smatt
Matty McShevin
Easy Money
Daddy-O
Shevinazi